


Getting drunk on the past we were livin’ in

by iileftherbehind



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Exes, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of alcohol, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Smut, Unresolved Sexual Tension, exes to friends to lovers, not a positive Abby fic, the whole gang is there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 60,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23510815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iileftherbehind/pseuds/iileftherbehind
Summary: Clarke breaks up with Bellamy and leaves for a month. She comes back when she realizes that that one wasn’t the life she wanted but one day, she gets the opportunity to participate to an art competition in another city for four months. When she comes back home, he’s at her welcome back party.Their story isn’t over.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & John Murphy, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Clarke Griffin & John Murphy, John Murphy/Raven Reyes (minor)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 125





	1. Such a fool to pay this price

**Author's Note:**

> So!  
> I’ve had this concept in my mind for a long time, and I’ve had the first chapter written in my drafts for weeks before deciding to write the rest and start posting.  
> I’m really weak for exes to lovers so I used this trope, and I’m loving developing it.  
> 
> 
> Title is from Paris, By the Chainsmokers.
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy it!

It had been four months since Clarke had seen all her friends. 

Sixteen weeks, a hundred and twelve days spent away from home.

During the time she'd been away for this art competition hosted in Boston, that welcomed artists and art enthusiasts from all over the world, and that she eventually ended up winning (nobody was surprised, given her talent), she'd been in contact with her beloved friends, or - as Murphy called them - the gang. Whom more often, whom less, a call here and there from Raven and some text message in the group chat they all shared.

And as soon as the guys had heard about Clarke finally coming back after months, they of course thought about a 'welcome back home' party, but as a Thursday, though it being middle April, it still meant many of them had work the day later. That's why Raven, her roommate, a smart and beautiful latina obsessed with space, suggested a small party at their apartment, the one she shares with Clarke and Emori, another one of her friends.

As Clarke got ready for her dinner with them, a smile grew wider on her lips as she thought about how many things she needed to update her friends on. Yes, she'd heard them already but there were things she simply needed to tell them in person. The city she'd been in was amazing, even though she hadn't actually had the time to visit it properly. Plus, despite her fame as not being the most friendly person out there, she'd made some pretty nice new friends. The one she'd been closer to was Wells, an engineering student but also an artist, from England, with a great sense of humor and perfect grades.She'd been surprised to hear he'd made his way from England to Usa just for that, and she'd told him she was sorry when she got the first prize but Wells had nothing but kind words for her. He conquered the second place and congratulated Clarke for her well deserved first one, offering her the dinner before the departure. They exchanged numbers before Wells took his flight for his country, and they both promised to stay in contact even after the competition, which made Clarke happy so much good came out of this experience.

"Oh. You look sexy." Raven's voice distracted Clarke from her thoughts, who turned her head away from the mirror to meet her roommate’s smile, her standing by the doorframe.

"Thanks, Raven. I actually bought this in Boston."

"It suits you." the latina swept her eyes over Clarke’s white dress before looking back into her eyes, smirking. "So, this Wells Jaha—"

"Oh my god. Don't." she laughed, like if Raven had said the most ridiculous thing ever. "No, no, no. I swear. C'mon, you know my tastes." Clarke teased, grabbing her perfume and spraying some of it all over her neck. "He's far from that. He’s just a friend. But he's a really good one and an interesting person, too. That's all."

"Mhhh." Raven mumbled, not so convinced. "Not your type, you say?"

Clarke snorted. "Not even close. But my type of friend, that's for sure." she said, opening the first drawer and taking her favorite earrings out of it.

"Ouch. Friend zoned!" Raven joked.

"It's not friend zone if he sees it in the same way."

"So nothing? You want to tell me you've been out of town for nearly four months and you haven't even hooked up with anyone, not even once? Seems fake."

Clarke laughed.

Raven continued. "I heard Boston has pretty girls. C'mon, we all know that."

Clarke laughed again and closed the drawer with her hip right after grabbing a mascara out of it. "What do you want me to say? I went to Boston for art, not for sex."

The friend giggled. "Right." she nodded. "But you also haven't hooked up with— well, with anyone since..." she trailed off, then shrugged her shoulders.

"Don't say that name." Clarke said, looking unbothered.

"Bellamy."

"Raven?"

"It's the truth!"

"Okay, and? I just came back, do you want to scold me for not having enough sex?" Clarke asked, raising an eyebrow.

Raven held her hands in surrender. "I'm just sayin'. He must have been really good if you can't find anyone at the same level or better."

"You say this, as if you two haven't hooked up years ago."

Raven laughed. "I was young and drunk. And it was at least a year before you guys got into a relationship or whatever."

"Anyhow..." Clarke said, wearing her earrings and urging to find another topic.

Raven got it, so she let the conversation switch easily to something else and moved further from the doorframe. "Whatever, what I wanted to say is, I forgot some papers for my research at Becca's yesterday night. Emori and I had a crazy night, if that's the exact term..."

She meant they got drunk. Wasted.

"...so I need to go get it. Em is at work until 7pm, and the others are coming already so do you mind welcoming them until one of us will be back?" Raven asked, a smile on her lips.

"Sure." Clarke smiled. "I can't wait to see you all guys."

"Same. I can't wait to be all reunited." Raven smiled back.

* * *

Clarke's apartment was almost full when the bell rang again, and she opened the door to find Murphy and Jasper by the doorframe.

Jasper was genuinely smiling at her, while Murphy had a plastered smile on his lips as he held up the bottle of wine in his left hand. "Welcome back." he mumbled, before Jasper jumped on Clarke to wrap his arms around her and hug her tight. "WELCOME BACK!"

Clarke laughed against Jaspers ear and hugged him back. "I missed you." she said, holding the friend in her arms.

"I missed you too!" he said back. "The gang just isn't the same without you." He slowly pulled away and observed her, the same genuine smile that greeted her before still on his lips. "Woah." he exclaimed. "You look hot."

She giggled slightly. "You're not bad yourself either."

"Welcome back, Griffin. How's Boston?"

"Murphy." she smiled, turning to look at her other friend next to Jasper. "It's great. Even though I haven't actually visited all of it... But it's great. No hugs for me?"

Murphy smirked. "I don't do hugs." he handed her her favorite white wine in bottle. "But congrats for the prize."

Clarke grew a soft smile on her lips as she took the wine he was handing her. "Thank you, Murphy." she nodded, before stepping to the side and letting them in.

Her relationship with Murphy was controversial. They were friends, that's for sure. They'd always been nice to each other, despite Murphy was nice to no one (except his best friends Bellamy... and _Raven_ , but that's not a conversation he was ready to face yet) and they always had each other's back.

Although, Murphy was Bellamy's best friend. Since always.

And that surely complicated things. Not at first, though. At first, when with no one's surprise Bellamy and Clarke had finally decided to tell their friends about their relationship, Murphy was happy for the both of them. But then, when they broke up he obviously had been there for Bellamy and, for a while, he hadn't talked to Clarke at all. 

But also, Clarke knew she was mostly the one in the wrong.

 _She_ broke up with Bellamy.

 _She_ ran away for a month and left him.

They both used to fight a lot and their relationship wasn't the best one, she knew that, and she also knew that they had both made mistakes, but she didn't blame anyone when they turned their backs against her for what she did to Bellamy, and she did not think she deserved their forgiveness either. She was still having an hard time accepting it, when _almost_ all of them started talking to her again.

Later in the night she found herself chatting with Harper and Monty.

"So, Clarke,” Monty looked at her with a smile on his lips. "Tell us about this competition."

"Yeah, we need to know everything. Starting from that dude who offered you dinner tocongratulate for the first prize." Harper teased. "And yes, Raven snitched."

Clarke laughed but this caught Murphy's attention who was just randomly walking by. "Woah, woah, woah." he stopped by and nudged Clarke's hip with his elbow. "He what? God, Griffin, did you bang someone instead of focusing on art? High five." he held his hand in front of her but just as he did, Raven arrived just in time to push it away. "Sorry to disappoint you but she didn't...” Raven replied, “It's okay, I was as disappointed as you are now." she added, taking a chip out of Murphy's plate and smirking at him when he gave her an annoyed look. 

"Exactly." Clarke laughed. "He's simply a friend, guys. Four months in a city I know nothing about, alone... that's not the easiest thing ever, so I'm glad I at least made one good friend. And hi to you, too." she said, smiling at Raven.

"Ahhh, Reyes. Finally you're here." Murphy spat out. "I was about to tell Clarke what you did to her room while she was away. Griffin, do you know that—"

"Shut up, Murphy." Raven rolled her eyes. "Clarke doesn't want to hear that."

"Actually, I do." Clarke raised an eyebrow and folded her arms. "The hell did you do?"

"This is Luna." Raven pointed at the girl next to her and Emori, quickly changing the subject. "You guys remember her, right?"

"Uhm..." Clarke looked at Murphy, Monty and Harper's absent looks and she figured that if they didn't remember her, how could she, who had missed the last four months of their lives.

"Ah, c’mon." Raven laughed. "We dated for a while. Remember? I used to bring her to our parties, our nights..."

"Nice to see you again guys." Luna smiled.

At her friends lost gazes Raven sighed. "Guys, you all are so embarrassing."

"Wait— yes! Yes, Hi. I remember." Harper shook Luna's hand followed by Monty, who politely asked her how she was doing. And it was in that moment that Clarke remembered those few months in Raven's life.They had dated for a while but then decided to split peacefully, no one of them suffered too much as Raven didn't have more than a crush for her, but they had been great together and Clarke remembered Raven was happy with her, too.

"Wait a second." Murphy frowned and looked at Raven. "You girls are back together now?" he raised an eyebrow, much more interested in this conversation than he was at whatever Clarke was rambling about before when talking to them about Boston.

Luna snorted. "No. Definitely no."

Raven smiled at Luna. "She's right. No, we just met at Becca's and, well, thought to invite her." Raven glanced at Emori and, even though she tried to be subtle, Murphy started grinning.

“Aha." he folded his arms and looked at Emori. "You girls are having fun, uh?"

"Oh my god, shut the fuck up." Emori blurted out.

"Murphy, right?" Luna said. "I remember you."

"Of course you do." he smirked. "Who doesn't."

"Yeah. You're Emori's ex, right?"

Emori rolled her eyes. "We don't talk about that, Luna." and at Murphy annoyed look she shrugged her shoulders. "What? Everyone has had obscure times in their lives." she grinned and then took Luna's hand, pulling her to the tables. "C'mon, I'll introduce you the others. You'll love Jasper."

Murphy pouted his lips and Raven laughed. "It's okay, Murphy, we still love you." she said as she threw an arm over the friend's shoulder.

"Emori and Luna?!" Clarke widened her eyes, turning them to Raven.

"Aren't you jealous?" Murphy remarked, which caused Raven to snort.

"Ah, please. Luna and I broke up an year ago. Emori's my friend. I really don't care as long as they both have fun." she smirked. "Aren't _you_ jealous, Murphy?" Raven asked, raising an eyebrow at her friend.

"Emori and I have been friends ever since we broke up, which was...an year ago if I remember correctly. I really, really, really don't care who she fucks now, about her sex life or, love life or— whatever _that_ is."

Clarke and Harper shared a glance, and Clarke had to smile because, even if Raven didn't see it (she would need more time to accept that her best friend, the one she could speak to about everything, was actually madly in love with her and he didn't even know it), Murphy's reaction to the possibility of Raven and Luna being back together was more than obvious to them.

Shortly after their dinner, Clarke was in the kitchen checking the cake Murphy had baked and asked her to check, when Raven walked in with firm steps

"Oh, hey. I was just about to come look for Murphy, and ask him if—" but Clarke got interrupted.

"Clarke." Raven said, and for some reason her tone made Clarke's blood freeze.

She turned around and slowly put the glove down, furrowing her eyebrows. "Yes—"

"Octavia's here."

Clarke pulled her head back. She hadn't talked to Octavia in... at least eleven months — thus since she broke up with Bellamy. She stayed in that part of her friends who did not forgive her easily, next to Murphy — even though he came around just some months before her departure for Boston, Miller — dear friend of Bellamy who still kindly ignored Clarke as much as he could, and, of course, Bellamy.

She broke up with her brother, and Octavia did not take it well when he fell into a dark hole because she left him. It was safe to say she even took of worse than Bellamy did, but that would've been a lie, because Clarke knew Bellamy wasn't the type of person who let anyone see through him.

That did not mean he didn't suffer.

"Octavia's here?"

"You heard me."

"Did you— did you invite her?"

"Clarke, she's our friend. She goes out with us, she's everyone’s friend. I simply sent the invitation to everyone, of course. Bellamy included. I just did not think they would come, of course."

Clarke swallowed. "Is he here too?"

"No. I mean... not that I know of? I don’t know.” Raven shrugged. “Jasper just told me Octavia texted him, and told him to open the door. I thought that maybe you wanted to know it."

"Thank you." Clarke sighed, and she had to lean against the counter. "Thank you, I'm gonna— I’m gonna go open the door now.”

Clarke took some seconds to herself with her thoughts, and then downed a whole glass of white wine before making her way to the main door.

Opening it, she found no trace of Octavia. But just shortly later two headlights of a large car caught her attention. She narrowed her eyes and saw a slim figure come out of the car.

Not too many seconds later, she realized it wasn't a car. It was a _rover_.

And god if she, in that moment, hoped she knew more people who owned and drove a rover.

But there was no space for doubt nor for questions, especially not when she recognized the frontal metallic blue plate with a yellow sunflower on it, the one she used to see from her window and smile because of that, because that meant Bellamy arrived to pick her up for their date.

Clarke swallowed, and wondered if it was too late to run, no matter where, just run away from that. But when Octavia came out of the blinding light the rover made and awkwardly waved at her, she figured it really was. So, she took a long breath and prayed that Bellamy was there just because Octavia still hadn't taken her driver license just like she hadn't when she was still dating Bellamy and they drove her everywhere before their dates.

"Hi" Octavia said with a cold tone.

"Hey."

"Raven said there was a welcome back party."

"Yeah." she slowly nodded and wrapped her arms around herself. "I came back this morning."

Octavia gave her a slight nod and looked around then smiled politely. "I'm gonna go inside to the others."

Clarke didn't answer. She couldn't, not in that moment. And so she just sighed and closed her eyes as soon as Octavia was gone.

She knew that she was still friends with everyone, and that if anyone had to avoid participating to their parties, and meet ups, and nights, and dinners, it was her. Not Octavia.

And that's what she always did, anyway. Before leaving for Boston, she bailed their friends' nights every second day because she knew Bellamy and Octavia would be there and she knew her presence wasn't welcomed. Or she would invent an excuse like that she did not appreciate the parties when they were too crowded, and so she stayed at home and watched Octavia's instagram story with her friends.But she didn't regret it, she’d never did, because Bellamy had been the one who introduced her to his friends in the first place, years before, and she felt bad enough for breaking his heart. That's also why, when she was offered to go to Boston for four months she ended up taking just two days to accept.

Sure, it was a new experience and it was a lot of time but a part of her had felt relieved she could take a deep breath of fresh air. She felt relieved she did not have to feel like a weight for the people she loved the most.

When she was about to turn around and go back inside, she did not hear the sound of the rover's engine anymore. She would have wanted to believe he was gone but she didn't know how to feel about that, so she just decided to ignore it until a car’s door shut closed. Shortly later, he approached her, and she hated herself for expecting it and low-key hoping it.

"You're back." his voice was raspy and low like always.

She did not have the courage to face him. She hadn't seen him in even more than four months. If she had calculated right, she hadn't seen him for almost eleven months, too, apart from that _one_ time right before her departure.

Because right after their break up she avoided everyone or - more accurately - everyone avoided her. Some months later, even when everyone insisted in behaving normally and not taking sides, she avoided going out with their friends if she knew Bellamy was going to join, and she knew he often did the same. And then she had met him, totally randomly, at Becca's just a few before her leaving for Boston, and he had looked at her with a death glare right before she left again to spent the last four months away.

When Bellamy shoved his hands into his pockets, she took a breath and turned to finally face him.

He was still the same, the same Bellamy she'd loved... except, except that he wasn't. Not anymore.

"Yeah. This morning."

He nodded. "Congrats. I knew about the prize." his voice was ice. 

She felt her throat burning. "Thanks." Clarke mumbled, not being able to hide the pity she knew he hated in her voice.

Bellamy walked inside, and she had to take more than ten minutes for herself in the cold, outside, before being able to join everyone again.

The night went on and the more she could avoid Bellamy, who was almost always either talking with Murphy, Jasper or Octavia or drinking on his own, the better Clarke felt. She had thought about that moment, where she would've seen him again, and even about a confrontation, but she didn't need that tonight. And she didn't feel like she could actually get through it. Or at least she thought.

Yet, the party proceeded better than she had previously expected and hoped, especially after knowing Bellamy and Octavia had decided, for any weird reason to her unknown, to join. Seeing all her friends again, laughing with them and telling them all her amazing and crazy stories about her stay in Boston had reminded her how much she loved them and how hard it had been leaving them there. When Raven and Octavia walked out of the kitchen holding the cake in her hands Clarke felt her cheeks going red. She read a ' ** _Welcome Back, Clarke_!**' and a heart shaped figure next to it all written with what looked like whipped cream she could not help but smile.Murphy was known for being a great cook, the best among them for sure, so when everyone tasted it they didn't expect anything but another delicious dessert. Clarke smiled at him before taking her first bite, and when everyone complimented him, Murphy smirked and shrugged his shoulders, asking them if they expected anything less.

What Clarke could not help but notice is that Bellamy didn't touch his piece. It was not like she was staring at him, but her eyes fell on his figure, sitting alone on the couch and so she saw. And she noticed it was the first moment she actually had looked at him for real in the whole night. The first moment she let herself look at him in months, actually.

He looked sad. With the moral under his shows. He was still the same physically, not a trace of beard on his face, his curly hair still as curly as before and he still looked in a good shape. She wondered if he still went to the gym as often as he used to.

But he still looked sad.

Almost as sad as he looked when she left, but it wasn't the same.

He looked absent, distant. Or, at least, his expression did. Instead, when she left him, when she took all the strength she needed to not look back at him one more time, he had tears in his eyes and she could swear her heart had broken the moment he'd say his last words to her.

 _"Don't fucking come back_." he had told her, as a tear escaped from his eye.

And then she did come back.

Half an hour later, almost everyone had left.

Octavia decided to go sleep at Harper's place and so Jasper and Monty gave them a ride. Emori left with Luna even before, told Clarke she wouldn't have come back that night and Clarke winked at her. Then, while she was helping Raven putting all the dirty glasses and bowls away, she noticed Bellamy walking out of the house, straight in the back that leaded to the garden they shared with the whole apartment. She didn't know why he was still there, but that caught her attention.

"Hey," Raven said, putting away the last bowl. "Murphy has this new videogame he wants me to try. He finally found it, it's basically about piloting a space ship and we've been looking for this version for months, but we were waiting for a restock."

"Uhu." Clarke mumbled, engaged in her own thoughts.

"So..." Raven continued, "I was about to ask him to stay here for tonight but the game is at his place. And I thought you might want some privacy for your first night back anyway." Raven bit her lip, shoving her hands into her back pockets. "Is that okay if I sleep at his place tonight? I'll be back tomorrow morning to do my part of the laundry, don't worry."

Clarke placed her hands on the kitchen counter, her head somewhere else.

"Clarke?"

She snapped out of her own thoughts and turner her face to the woman who had a perplexed look in her face. "Are you alright?" Raven asked her.

"Yeah. Yeah, god, sure. Of course... Go sleep to his place." she smiled, nodding. "And have fun. I'll see you tomorrow."

Raven blinked and crossed her arms in front of her chest but something told Clarke she gave up the idea of saying whatever she was about to say.

"Okay," the friend said, picking up her jacket. "Good night, mh?"

"Goodnight."

Raven closed the door behind her and Clarke found herself in the biggest mess she could have ever imagined. She knew it was a bad — a pessime idea — an idea she would've probably paid the consequences later for, and she also knew there would've been no coming back from that but she would have lied to herself if she said she hadn't thought about having the opportunity to speak to him again.

Not even a conversation, just say sorry to him.

As soon as she walked outside she looked around and not too long later she found him leaned against the wall across from her. He was looking at his phone in his right hand, and holding a half smoked cigarette in his left one.

She wasn't surprised he was still smoking, she remembered how much he valued the after sex cigarette and also how much he valued brushing his teeth right after because he knew how much Clarke couldn't stand the smell of it.

But that was a lie: as long as it was on his lips, even that had a good taste.

"You still smoke." she said, quietly, approaching him slowly and keeping herself at a fair distance, but not because of the smoke.

He lifted his face from the phone and scrutinized hers for half a second, then tilted his chin at her, evidently remarking the distance she chose to keep. "And you still hate it."

She fought a little smile and eventually chose to not let it show. Then, she got closer, and leaned her back against the wall right next to him.

No one spoke for a while, and she was lightly surprised when he chose to break the silence.

"How's Boston?"

Clarke spun her head around to look at him, hardly unable to believe he was actually trying to start a conversation with her.

"Fun." she nodded. "But I didn't see a lot of the town. Just... walls, canvas, brushes...and paintings." she laughed a little but then stopped, uncertain if it was the case.

But she did not leave him an option to let her know if it was, and instead she just went straight to the point.

"How are you, Bellamy?"

"Why— why are you asking me that?" he was on the defense, she could hear that.

"You seem a little bit down." she shrugged.

He scoffed. "And since when do _you_ care?"

Clarke sighed, and nodded slowly. If anything, she deserved that treatment, so l she decided not reply back.

"I've always cared."

"Uhu." that was all he answered.

"It's hard to believe that, I know that. I'm not even asking you to believe me. Actually, I’m not even asking you to listen to me. But at least just... tell me what's going on in your life? It feels like we haven’t talked in forever.”

“And whose fault is that again?” 

Clarke nodded to herself. She did not speak afterwards, but right when she was about to decide to leave, he took a puff from his cigarette.

"Same old shit." he murmured.

"Nothing changed?"

"Did anything change in yours?" he raised an eyebrow, but didn't look at her.

"Well, since when I left for Boston, of course." she nodded very slowly. "But now that I'm back... I guess everything is gonna go back to normal. Or— to the usual routine, more likely."

"You think I shouldn't have come?"

His totally random and immediate question surprised her. A lot.

"No," she shook her head. "I just- No, I just didn't think you would." she admitted.

He nodded, taking another puff of his cigarette. "Yeah," he exhaled the smoke. "I didn’t think I would, either."

"Then why did you come?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Because of Octavia. She wanted to. And she asked me to be here because she didn't feel comfortable without me."

"She did not because of me." she concluded.

"That's not what I—"

"No, it's okay. I know it's because of me, it wasn't a question. I'm just saying... I'm just— I'm sorry we're all still in this situation."

"We're not in any situation," he then blurted out, more convincing than he probably wanted it to be. "We're all past that. You broke up with me, you left, then came back, and it's all in the past. Doesn't mean we cannot live our lives and stay with our friends just because you decided to leave me some time ago."

A lump formed in her throat.

"Bellamy..." she begun, not sure of how to continue. "I'm not— I'm... I'm sorry." she then said. And she frowned at the randomness of her own apologize. She knew it wasn't enough, it would've never been, she knew an _I'm sorry_ mumbled in a warm spring night months after what happened would have never, ever, ever been not even close to enough to justify, or, at least, to fix what she had broken when she walked out of her apartment with tears in her eyes and a pain in her chest. But she knew she did the right thing back then. She knew she wasn't good for anyone, she still isn’t, that she wasn't enough and never would've been, she thought — no, she knew, as her mother's words in a moment of rage screamed at her once, right before his father's death — that she would have never been able to love anyone like they deserved.

So let alone Bellamy, whose big heart was full of love for her. And so she needed to keep reminding herself that, when her head and her heart played twisted games with her reason and convinced her there was hope for a future with him.

_"There's no future for us."_ she had told him a year ago.

_"And you say that to me now? After months?_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"You're sorry?" Bellamy'd furrowed his eyebrows and his neck vein looked like it was about to explode. "You're sorry?! One second we're fine and the other you're breaking up with me because you want to go take— a holiday in Europe, and all you know to say is 'I'm sorry'?" he spat._

_"It's— not an holiday. It’s not that."_

" _It's not?"_

 _"No! I can't do this, Bellamy. I need—" she swallowed. "I need a break. And this just hurts you. Look at us... we've been_ _fighting every day for the last three weeks. You've been feeling down like I've never seen you, and all because of this situation. I'm not stable, I'm not sure if I'll ever be, so I'm not doing any good to you. I need to go, I need to leave so that—"_

 _There was no way Clarke could keep the tears back anymore_. _So she let them out._

"You're sorry?" he turned to face her, for the first time in months.

"I am. I know this isn't enough. I know— I know I don't have the right to say this. We were young, I was— _I_ was young, and stupid, and in a terrible place, and I hurt you. God, I hurt you so bad. But I just want you to know it was never my intention. Never. I tried to do everything not to hurt you. I was terrified of the idea of doing that, and I— I chickened out. Used Europe as an excuse and ran away because I was afraid of doing what I ended up doing anyway. Breaking your heart."

Bellamy was impassible. If she didn't know him better, she could've sworn her words didn't move anything in him. But she knew whatever reaction he had to that, whatever she had just spat out, he wouldn't have let her see it. Not there. Not then. Not after what happened between them.

"Nice." he threw his cigarette away and stomped on it, then started walking back to the door. "Thanks for the emotional speech. And welcome back, again."

She sighed heavily but didn't stay behind. She followed him inside, straight to the living room and ran her hand through her hair.

"I'm sorry for this. Like— all of this. God, I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, look, Clarke—" he picked his jacket once they were again in the living room, and the started wearing it. "I don't care. Like, really. I’m serious. It's fine, it's whatever. I don't— need your apologies, let alone your pity." he slowly frowned and looked around, and only then he noticed everyone was gone.

"Where's Oc-"

"She said she's going home with Harper. She told Jasper to tell you that but— you went to smoke and Jasper left too."

He raised an eyebrow of his and slowly nodded, then let out a breathy laughter.

"Okay, well... then I guess I'm not doing anything here anymore. Have a great night.”

She leaned against the doorframe and sighed, but let him wear his jacket and pick his keys.

"Just... one thing." she asked, with a low voice.

He turned to face her and raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to speak.

"Do you ever—" she wetted her lips, slowly. "I know there won’t be any justification. Ever. But... do you ever think— do you ever think you don't deserve something you have, and wonder what you did to have it? And feel so, so bad for having it, because you don’t think you deserve it, that you end up screwing it up?"

Bellamy did not move, only a wrinkle appeared on his forehead. “All the time." he finally blurted out. He clenched his jaw, which sent a heat down Clarke's belly. "It's how I felt with you."

Clarke frowned slowly at such admission. "You thought you didn't deserve me?"

He shrugged his shoulders, but said nothing more. 

"It was the other way around, Bellamy."

"Is that why you _left me_?" he spat.

She blinked, unable to give him the truth. It had hurt too much for her, sparing it to him seemed like the best thing to do for her after all the bad things she'd done to him.

Bellamy didn't make a move to the door. He just stood there, still, with the keys in his hands and his eyes on her.

There were now oceans between them. They were not the same they were twelve months ago, but the way he looked at her, now, that was the way he'd always looked at her.

Like the first time he ever did it lay eyes on her, or the first time he'd ever seen her for who she was and she'd fallen for those eyes and the way they understood her.

But they were not those people anymore and she did not deserve to be seen by him anymore.

She whispered in the silence that surrounded them. "Seemed like the best option for you."

Bellamy's adam apple bobbed in his throat.

"It wasn't up to you to know what's best for me!” he blurted out, eyes louder than she expected. 

Clarke let out heavy sigh and looked away. She slowly shook her head, the truth consuming her throat as she quietly murmured. "It was, if I loved you as much as I said I did."

She looked at him again, right in time to see something flashing in his eyes.

Just five seconds later, his lips were on hers.

He shortened the distance between them in just two steps and cupped her face into his hands, colliding their lips and kissing her in a way she hadn't been kissed in forever, in a way she missed and craved. In that old familiar way.

Clarke knew he never bore such conversations but the way he chose to get away from this one was surprising to her.

She wrapped her arms around him and returned the kiss with no doubts, no questions. No space for those when her mind completely blacked out every time he was so close.

The same jacket he'd just worn, was on the floor shortly later, so as Clarke's top and his own shirt. Only when his hands traveled to her skirt's zipper she pulled away in an exhale that stumbled both of them.

She just stared at him, looked straight into his soul and she knew she did not need to say anything else, but she did it anyway.

"Are you—" she swallowed heavily, wetting her dry throat. "Are you— sure?"

His heavy breathed silenced her and she was sure she wouldn't have resisted any second more without his lips on hers.

"I'm sure..." he whispered, leaning down and biting her bottom lip between his teeth. He let it go with a quiet noise and then kissed his way to her jaw, teasing her skin with the tip of his tongue and whispering for a second time. "I'm sure. I don't wanna think about it. Just kiss me..."

And Clarke didn't make him ask her twice.

Their tongues pressed together in a openmouthed kiss and he made her walk backwards, making her back hit the wall, and her mouth let out a soft moan that made Bellamy's breath itch.

He grabbed her ass with his hands and she sucked on his tongue, letting herself remember the taste she used to love and cherish. The air got ticker around them and the more her sweaty palms traced lines around his bare back, the more she felt the need to push him closer to her pulsing body, but the nonexistent distance between them never seemed to be nonexistent enough.

"Raven—" he rasped, moving his lips on her neck and sucking on her pulse point.

"With Murphy." she murmured, breathless.

"And Emori—"

"Not here." Clarke didn't let him finish. She ran her fingers through his curls and stroke his hair, parting her lips and letting out an exhale full of pleasure.

Bellamy's lips on her neck had always driven her crazy and the blurry memories of their past sex - the best sex she'd ever had - came back with a heavy flow of thoughts, interrupted only by his lips around her earlobe. He sucked on it, hard, and Clarke's head felt fuzzy.

As he lifted his knee and pressed it between her legs, right against her core, Clarke slammed her head back into the wall in reaction. She felt wetness dampening the fabric of her panties and so she breathed a muffled _bedroom_. He didn't find the time to take her skirt off. He just rucked it up, seated it on her hips, and carried her down the hallway to her bedroom.

He threw themselves on her bed and Clarke opened her legs wider to let him position between them. The moment their gaze met she found his eyes blazed, and she wondered if he could hear her blood roaring in her ears or her chest stuttering, hunger of him consuming her reasonable thoughts.

She hadn't noticed it when Bellamy had taken her bra off but soon she found herself braless, and she looked up, finding his eyes admiring the soft swell of her breasts.

"God," he grunted, wetting two of his fingers with this tongue. "I gotta admit, I missed your body."

Clarke grinned and bit her bottom lip.

"I missed yours against mine." she teased grinningly. But as he shoved his hand between her legs and inside her panties, touching her core with his wet fingertips, she had to fight herself not to moan right away.

He didn't tease her for long, and as much as she loved the sensation of his fingers drawing circles around her clit and building the tension up in her belly, she almost moaned a _Thank you_ when he slid not one, but two thick and wet fingers inside of her.

The way he fingered her had always made her weak, had always had her on the verge of shaking and begging his name; she had done it several times in the past, and she always loved the way something flashed in his eyes every time his name came out of her lips with a moan caused by just his fingers inside of her.

"Fuck—" she coaxed.

Bellamy leaned over and took her nipple in his mouth; he started circling his tongue around it, letting himself enjoy the feeling of her piercing battling against his tongue every time he sucked on it with the same pace his fingers moved against her walls.

"More—" she begged, breathless.

When Bellamy sped up the pace, she moaned from the back of her throat.

Clarke grabbed Bellamy's biceps and dug her nails into his skin as he worked up her just as he knew she liked. She'd always been an open book in terms of sex with him. He knew what she liked, he knew how she liked it. He knew the exact things to do and say to send her over the edge, over and over. The exact spots to touch and tease to make her shake.

He pulled away from her breast and looked her into her eyes. "You're so wet." he stuttered against her chest. Then, he curled his fingers inside of her cunt and Clarke let out a whimper that made Bellamy's dick push against the fabric of his underwear.

"Come for me—" he whispered, sinfully marking her chest with wet and openmouthed kisses.

He bit her collarbone and Clarke felt she was close, the combination of his fingers inside of her and his lips tasting her so good making her legs tremble around his body. She arched her back and clenched around him as she came, fire pooling low in her low belly.

Bellamy helped her get of her high for a while, then slid his fingers out and she — still breathless and shaky from her orgasm — silently cursed herself to immediately feel the loss of them.

"Good god." he licked his fingers dry, already working on his own jeans. "You're always so hot after you come. This hasn't changed."

Clarke blinked her eyes open and observed him sitting on the bed and taking his pants off, throwing them away roughly.

She lifted herself on her elbows and swallowed. "Not even the way you can make me come in less than a few minutes changed. I wondered if I was the problem with the others. Now I know the others were."

"What do you mean?" he asked her, getting on the bed again and positioning himself between her legs.

"No one has ever made me come like you did. Like you can."

He raised an eyebrow and smirked proudly.

"Second drawer. Like always." she blurted out, suddenly feeling naked at that confession. She pushed her skirt down and in a second her string was gone, too. Now, she was physically naked, too. 

He smirked and leaned over, taking a condom out of her commode's drawer and quickly opening it. "I see many things haven't changed."

"No," she sat up and wrapped her hand around his length as soon as he finished rolling the condom on it, and took time for herself to look at it and remember how her hand felt around him. Like it used to be. "No, they haven't."

She gently stroked his dick and Bellamy's breath itched a couple of times before he grasped her chin and tilted it up, them both slowly licking their own lips in sync.

He pressed their foreheads together and as soon as she saw him closing his eyes she bit her bottom lip. Clarke swiped her thumb over the head of his dick and this caused Bellamy to exhale thickly. He caught her lips in a hot and intense kiss, breathing into her mouth and raking his fingers across her skin.

As much as Clarke wanted to make him come just like he had done with her, to make him grunt her name, she also was craving to have him inside of her.

The way he once perfectly fit inside her, the way her walls expanded for him, the way he once caressed her skin with his fingertips, pushing her against him hard in such an at the same time gentle way it made her head spin and her sight blurry. She hadn't forgotten it. She never could've. She cherished those memories of their nights spent between wet sheets, drunk of each other's bodies.

"Bellamy—" she pleaded, her lips brushing his.

But she didn't need to say anything else. He pushed her hand away and made her lay down on her spine. Then, he rubbed her sensitive clit with the head of his cock and as Clarke arched her spine and stared straight into his eyes he lined himself up with her entrance. Then, he slowly pushed inside of her, sinking into her until her hips were flush with his.

"Shit—" he rasped.

Clarke wrapped her legs around his waist and he let out a quiet groan, digging his nails into her hips and feeling her stretching her walls for his dick completely inside of her.

Shortly later, he set up a pace that was slow at first.

He ducked his head down and kissed her, sucking on her tongue hotly and sinking his hips in a way that made Clarke moan inside his mouth.

Thinking about their precious times, he had never been the type to groan loudly; just guttural, quiet and long noises of pleasure that drove Clarke crazy, especially the ones he made while he was sitting with his legs spread open on his living room's couch and Clarke was on her knees for him, giving him one of her delicious blowjobs before letting him come on her breasts just as she knew he loved.

He'd always been a sucker for boobs, but she used to let herself think hers were the ones he was actually addicted to.

The kiss they shared was messy, and as Bellamy pulled away, she observed him looking down between their sweaty shaking bodies. She followed his gaze and felt herself even wetter when she caught his dick disappearing inside of her, then reappearing again, just to pound back inside of herself once again, rubbing her walls.

"God, yes—" Clarke breathed out. "More," she demanded, splaying her hand across his naked spine.

Bellamy groaned in response, and when he fastened the pace and started thrusting inside of her faster, Clarke saw black.

He grabbed her left wrist and pinned her arm above her head, keeping it pressed against the mattress and probably leaving his nails' marks on her skin from the way his hand kept her wrist in a firm grip.

Clarke mewled lusciously.

He felt too good inside of her, stretching her up in the most delicious manner.

She used the memories of the way he fucked her to get herself off several times, but nothing could compare to this.

She asked herself how she survived all that time without him. Without the way he made her feel, and not only speaking in terms of the bland but great orgasms he'd given her.

He made her feel beautiful, wanted. The way his hands caressed her curves, drawing lines on her skin, made her feel sparks of joy all over her body. An electric feeling she was addicted to, and that he only was able to give her.

Bellamy's groans made her snap out of her thoughts, and the more he fastened the pace of his thrusts, the closer her orgasm was.

He lifted his head up and took time to rapidly sweep his eyes over her face. "Fuck," he grunted. Then he wetted his lips, hitting a particular spot that made them both groan in unison. "You're so— good around me. So fucking good."

"Yes—" she moaned. "Yes, I am—"

He started bottoming her out, fucking her hungrily, hitting her g-spot like he only could reach.

He reached spots no one had ever reached.

Touched parts of her no one had ever given attention to.

And it felt just so good to her, just _so fucking good._

"Jesus—” she exhaled, feeling her orgasm closer than ever.

He groaned again, and finally let go off her wrist to cup her breast in his his hand; kneading it steadily and playing with her nipple seductively, making her sight go blurry for the third time tonight.

"Jesus—" she repeated, and this time she didn't stop there. "Oh Jesus— oh, fuck—"

He squeezed her boob in his hand, murmuring against her ear. "This hasn't— changed—" he grunted, a guttural sound from the back of his throat. "The way you scream for me."

Clarke slammed here head back against the pillow, shivers of pleasures running through every nerve of her body.

As Bellamy's climax approached, he started losing his steady rhythm.

There was nothing Clarke desired more than him coming with her in that moment.She wanted — she needed — their orgasm to sync together and leave them breathless one on the other, to blurry their sight and leave them speechless for minutes, incapable of forming a sentence. Like it used to happen.

Bellamy's voice got deeper as he growled something that resembled to her name when she bucked her hips up against his.

And she didn't stop. She kept bucking them up, matching her pace to his and fucking herself against him, repeatedly making their skin slap against each other.

"My god— yes, please, oh god—"

"Shit—" his lips brushed her earlobe, and then nibbled it.

He shoved an hand between their bodies to take care of her clit. Rubbing it furiously, Bellamy's pace became even more irregular, and just some thrusts later Clarke clenched around his cock again, trembling and moaning a mixture of nonsense as she came, hard, grabbing his shoulders tightly.

Bellamy followed her after just a few seconds, and he let out a long groan while filling the condom with his cum and rippling his hips frantically against hers.

They laid down there for awhile, both trying to catch their breathings, struck from the strength of their orgasms.

Clarke did not know what to say, and as silence filled the room, she figured neither did he.

So she didn't, nor when he slipped out of her, nor when he, seconds later, silently laid down next to her, letting himself fall on the sweaty sheets and throwing an arm over his forehead.

She didn't know for how long they had been laying down there, but he hadn't said a word.

She did not have the courage to turn her head to him to check if he was sleeping, but shortly later she heard him sniffing and shifting on his spine, which suggested her he was just as uncomfortable as she was.

"That..." she started, his breathing slightly slower than before.

"That was a mistake." he finished his sentence.

"Yeah," her voice was raspy. "Yeah, that definitely was."

She found the courage to face him and she found him looking at her already. He sighed before talking again, quietly. "I should go..." he sat up, and ran an hand through his hair.

Clarke swallowed and lifted the blanket up to her chest. "It's late. Maybe— maybe you should stay. You know, and drive with the sunlight."

Bellamy just slowly nodded.

"Okay. If you don’t mind.” he frowned.

"I don't."

"Okay." he whispered, letting out a sigh afterwards.

"Okay." she said.

No one said goodnight.

They fell asleep not too long later, without touching each other like they used to do before.

But for the first time in a year, Clarke had a night free from nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Kudos, comments and opinions of any kind are always appreciated, let me know what you think of it!


	2. There’s a space inside my mind where I keep on missing you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of the chapter is from Missing you by The Vamps

Clarke woke up with her hair on her face and no pillow under her head.

She blinked her eyes open and narrowed them at the window on her right, the sun rays getting through her curtain and lighting up her room.

For a few seconds, she had to close her eyes and leave her mind some time to sum up the last hours; but she did not have to dig deeper into her memories.

As she turned her head to her left, she saw him.

Bellamy was laying down on his stomach and the blanket was only covering him until the lowest part of his freckled back. He had a relaxed expression on his face, and Clarke didn't need to think anymore. Memories of the night before flashed through her eyes like a waterfall.

She felt her naked body against the fabric of the warm sheets that were covering her. She swallowed heavily at the memory of his hands all over her body, warming it up in the most delicious way.

She got up only a few minutes later and had a hard time finding her string; when she did, she wore it and grabbed the first oversized hoodie she saw, almost wearing it backwards because of the rush she had to get out of that room.

With the reason the light of the morning brought, Clarke thought that him staying the night maybe wasn't a great idea at all. She was aware of the fact that she had been the one to tell Bellamy to stay, but she could almost swear the only reason why he stayed was because she remembered how sleepy he always got after he came. Driving in that conditions wasn't responsible.

" _Are you sleeping?" she whispered, drawing circles on his skin with her fingertips._

_He hinted at a weak smile but kept his eyes closed for a few seconds. The moment he blinked them open he looked straight into Clarke's and then lifted his hand, hooking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear._

_"Not yet." he whispered._

_She smiled softly and ducked her head down to give his chest a slow kiss._

_"Sleep with your head on my chest." he softly whispered to her, running an hand through her hair._

_And that night, she did._

Clarke ran her hand through her hair as a million questions came up to her mind but, (un)luckily, a noise in the kitchen distracted her.

Her roommates were home.

That was the more explainable thing.

And, god, if she panicked.

She walked into the kitchen while randomly trying to fix her hair or at least hiding it by putting her hood up.

"Morning," she mumbled to Raven who was sitting on the island and eating from a bowl of cereals.

The friend lifted her head up and looked at Clarke. She saw her narrowing her eyes before giving her a nod.

"Morning." she said, swallowing her cereals.

"How'd you sleep?"

Clarke murmured something along the lines of a "Well." and headed for the fridge.

She grabbed a bottle of orange juice and yawned.

Bellamy Blake was in her bedroom, naked.

Her ex boyfriend - whose heart she broke - was lying on her bed and one of his closest friends who had - Clarke didn't know why but she appreciated it - forgiven her for the shit she pulled, was sitting on the kitchen island and looking at her in a suspicious way.

"You're home already."

"Yeah," Raven said, putting her spoon into the bowl. "Murphy and I couldn't sleep so we went out at around— five am? To watch the sunrise. So fucking cool, I'm telling you. But we didn't sleep at all so I decided to come here and take a shower. And I think I left my slippers in your bedroom," she stated, putting her bowl in the sink and Clarke widened her eyes. "I'm gonna go take them, and then I'll proba—"

"No—" Clarke cut her off, taking her glass of juice. "I um—" she cleared her throat. "I'm gonna get them. I need to clean my room today, I've been away for a while and I have to put everything in my drawers again anyway. It's a mess."

Raven raised an eyebrow and if Clarke didn't know her well enough she could've swore it was convincing enough. But her roommate crossed her arms in front of her chest and scrutinized her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." she nodded, lying. "I feel like I could use a shower myself, though." Clarke rushed to walk past Raven and to the door. "So I need the bathroom after you!" she shouted from the hallway and hurried to her bedroom.

She hadn't touched her juice but she didn't even feel hungry. Only thing she felt was a huge headache and like her chest could be exposing any time soon. As she opened the door of her bedroom, Bellamy turned his head to her and relaxed his forehead as soon as he realized it was only her.

He was already halfway dressed and was looking around for - probably his shirt, Clarke guessed walking to her nightstand and trying not to look at his abdomen.

"I heard Raven's voice." he said in a tone that sounded like a question but it wasn't.

"Yeah. She's going to shower so you can go as soon as she gets inside." Clarke places her glass on the nightstand but then frowned.

"Do you— um. Do you want something to eat first, or—"

He scoffed and finally found his t-shirt, buried under her skirt and her top.

"Let's not make this any more awkward and weird than it already is."

She nodded, totally agreeing.

"Look—" she tried, but he preceded.

"We don't need to make this a big deal, yeah?" he wore his shoes fast, not even sitting on the edge of the bed but just holding himself to the wall next to her bed. "It happened. We cannot change that. Let's not talk about it like ever again and I guess it's fine. Not gonna happen again, right?"

He looked at her for the first time since last night and she had to swallow first.

He made himself clear enough, so Clarke just nodded.

"Right." she murmured, and pushed the sleeves of her hoodie down.

"So I guess... Um. Have a good day." he frowned. "Or whatever. But thanks for letting me crash here for the night."

"Uh, sure. Yeah."

He walked out of her bedroom but shortly later Clarke heard him muttering a fuck. She had a bad feeling. As she rushed out of the bedroom, she saw Raven standing in just her socks and underwear in front of Bellamy and with her jaw dropped.

Bellamy was looking at the ceiling and was evidently embarrassed.

"Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't see anything." he muttered.

"Except you did," Raven smirked and grabbed her dirty clothes from the floor. "Like two years ago."

"Jesus, Raven, I don't have time for this." he quickly walked past Raven, straight out of the apartment.

Clarke passed her hands on her face and wished she could just disappear in that moment.

Only when she heard the door slamming, she let out the heaviest sigh.

She excepted something from Raven, but her roommate looked pretty calm. Like it wasn't something as shocking as she thought it might be. Clarke wondered if there was more.

"Are you gonna give me the pep talk now, or can I—"

"His rover was out there. Murphy literally parked his car next to it while dropping me here. If you two were trying to hide this,

you weren't subtle, like at all. Your sex hair inside your hood were just the cherry on top of the pie." she snorted, walking to a small room by the hallway and throwing her clothes in the basket. "Was just waiting to see if you would've told me first or I would've found it out in this way."

 _Fuck_.

"Jesus Christ," she sighed, letting her hands fall. "So— wait, does this mean Murphy knows about this, too or—"

"No." Raven shook her head and Clarke somewhat felt relieved. "He was too sleepy to even see it, yeah, even if he was driving. I recognized it immediately but i kept my mouth shut 'cause I thought there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Certainly did not expect you to screw the guy you left as first thing after coming back." she smirked.

"Raven—"

"It's your business." Raven said, holding her hands up in defense. "I don't want to get in your bullshit, Clarke. If he fucked you it means he wanted to, and he's a grown ass man, and, also, I'm no one's babysitter anyway."

Clarke sighed and definitely understood the tone Raven was using. There was something she wanted to ask her, though, a thing she really needed her to promise her.

"Please, Raven, don't..." she trailed off, hoping the friend would understand without further questions.

"Don't worry." the latina muttered walking into the bathroom. "Your little secret's safe with me." and she slammed the door close.

Clarke came back to her bedroom, but her orange juice stayed there on the nightstand, untouched.

And she did not take that shower.

* * *

Raven didn't talk about it anymore.

Clarke knew there was no risk she would've told anyone what she knew, she trusted her. If anything, Raven wasn't like that.

But she also knew that didn't make it in any way better. She knew they had made a mistake, knew that having sex with him again was probably the worse thing she could've done, but, on the other side, he had kissed her.

She wasn't aware of the reason why, she didn't even know if she wanted to be, but he had kissed her.

And as much as Clarke gave herself the fault for anything, there was no way she could've just shoved him away after that.

On the other side, she could've. She could've pushed him again and make him understand that was not what he wanted. That he had hated her for so long, that he had ignored her for so long, and he didn't want to ruin that for a night of sex with her.

Clarke gave herself sometime to try and process what had happened.

Three days later, she went out shopping for her room all by herself, told herself she might have used a change in her life and at the moment the most she could afford was changing her room's setting.

She went and bought new candles - her favorite ones to her usual place - and some new brushes and canvas since she had used all of hers for the training for the competition.

At her usual place, she found her trusted employee ready to help her.

"Clarke! What a pleasure to see you here again." Roan said, getting out from behind the counter and opening his arms.

She smiled at him and hugged him, patting his back.

"How long have you been away?"

"Four months," she said. "More or less. Seems like an eternity."

"Here it was getting boring without you."

She laughed and Roan answered to her laugh with a smile.

"I'm serious," Roan added, "Who would ask me dozens of different brushes, pencils canvas watercolors I didn't even know of?"

"I don't ask that many..."

"You sure as hell ask the weirdest stuff." he smirked.

"I don't?" Clarke laughed.

"Hear me out. No one, and I say no one, has ever asked me a canvas as big as two whole walls."

"I was inspired." she smirked at him and he shook his head.

"Jokes apart, I'm glad your back." Roan said.

She smiled at him and thanked him. "I'm glad I'm back, too."

She spent half of what she had brought with her on new stuff that might have been helpful.

If something, she wanted to use the money she won in a wise way.

She just didn't know how yet, but figured that painting her bedroom's walls was a good way to start.

* * *

A huge part of her was glad for coming back.

Boston was great, and she had basically lived a dream during those four months away, but in some twisted way and for some obscure reason, she did miss her life back at home. Even if full of problems and troubles that came from being friends with her ex boyfriend's friends.

She spent the rest of the whole week later at home, organizing her stuff and unpacking her bags. She gave her room a whole new appearance.

She put her clothes back inside her drawers and reorganized her wardrobe. She cleaned her whole room from head to toe, and kept herself busy with cleaning their bathrooms and the living room too.

Deep inside of her, she knew the real reason why she was doing that was to keep herself from having time to think. And she also deeply knew that there would've been a moment — soon or later — when she would've had to face it. She just didn't want to think about it, yet.

Not even when, during her fourth cleaning session of the week, she found his jacket.

**Clarke Griffin**

**10:24 am**

_You left your jacket here_

She'd found it in the washing machine. Her hypothesis was that it was between the sheets — that Raven had probably found part of their clothes in the living room — as if the rover still parked right in front of their apartment wasn't enough — and she had probably thrown everything in Clarke's room. And so, when Clarke had put all her clothes and the sheets inside that washing machine that morning, trying so hard yet so in vane to delete just like that the previous night, his jacket had gone there too.

When she'd taken it out of it it was wet and creased, but she was grateful she had unconsciously washed his scent off it.

That morning Bellamy'd rushed out of her room like he didn't want to see her, like a one night stand where you fall asleep before getting out of there, and the following morning you have to bare the awkward glances with a stranger you know nothing about but have seen naked underneath you some hours before.

And Clarke thought about it; she'd thought about it in the shower and in front of her new painting, and even while putting her clothes out of her luggage and back into her drawers. She'd thought about it and she came to the conclusions that strangers wasn't too far of a definition from what Bellamy and her were.

Sure, they once shared intimacy.

They shared secrets, and vulnerability.

Even before the sex, even before seeing him naked, Clarke'd seen his heart.

She had seen him for who he was, and they had shared so much in so little. She had trusted him, and cared about him. She still did.

And she had loved him at least as much as he did but she didn't allow herself to feel it too much, and she'd tricked herself into thinking her feelings were never really true.

But after that, what was left of them wasn't enough not even to make them exes.

They were strangers, with memories in common.

Strangers that knew each other's scents and habits, strangers who recognized each other's heartbeats.

**Bellamy Blake**

**11:15 am**

_Give it to Raven. She'll give it to Murphy and I'll go pick it up_

Clarke was about to hop in the shower when he texted her back.

**Clarke Griffin**

**11:16 am**

_You'll go? Aren't you guys roommates anymore?_

**Bellamy Blake**

**11:20 am**

_I see_

_You're not the only one who wants to keep stuff from your roommates, are you?_

Clarke frowned. What did he mean?

If anything, she now wanted an answer. But as she typed out on his chat she saw three dots moving. So she stopped. And waited.

**Bellamy Blake**

**11:22 am**

_I live only with Nathan now. Murphy moved out. Or, not really, but he's anyway about to_

**Clarke Griffin**

**11:24 am**

_Did you kick him out?_

**Bellamy Blake**

**11:40 am**

_Better. I think he's like— seriously fallen in love_

**Clarke Griffin**

**11:45 am**

_He's been in love with Raven for months now, you can't convince me he now is moving in with someone. I just missed 4 months of yall?_

**Bellamy Blake**

**11:45 am**

_I honestly thought you were smarter, Clarke._

_Oh my god._

Clarke wore her robe again and stormed out of the bathroom, across the house, pushing Raven's bedroom's door open roughly.

"Are you fucking Murphy?"

Raven muttered something under her blankets and groaned a little.

"Are you?!" Clarke asked, her voice getting louder.

Raven groaned. "God— good morning to you, too." She pushed the blanket up on her face but Clarke took it away.

"Hey!"

"It's almost midday, Raven."

"Yeah and I have fallen asleep at like— six. So how about you piss off and leave me a—"

"You're screwing Murphy and you didn't tell me? I've been talking to you about your relationship for months, telling you guys aren't just friends. I have called you every week while I was away, the least I expected was an update on your life."

Raven sighed heavily and sat up. "I give up, I'll never sleep more than six hours straight."

She offered to prepare some coffee and they both sat on the couch.

Clarke shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie and Raven pulled her large shirt down, then took her cup and blew her hot coffee.

"I want answers, Raven."

"Yeah? Well, me too. As in for example why your ex boyfriend slept in your bedroom the night you came back and why did I have to pick up your clothes in the living room. I didn't ask you if you're screwing him, did I?"

"Raven..." she sighed, shaking her head. "I'm sorry. You're right. I just want to know what's going on in your life. Are you— moving with him?"

Raven spun her head to her and blinked.

Clarke could see she caught her by surprise and that just made her more curious. She left for four months and two of her friends who we were evidently into each other for months were about to move together or what was the situation like now?

Raven sighed heavily. "Murphy got a good job opportunity," she begun, "As a...first chef in a four stars restaurant. That could be a great thing for him."

Clarke nodded slowly, letting her talk.

"And I got— well," she said with a smile. "I got a scholarship offer for this university. It's very cool, way cooler than the one I'm currently studying at. There's an amazing physics program and graduating there could be a huge jump for my career. Not to mention I'm the youngest student who already works as a mechanic, and they want me... they really do. Want me."

"Well I'm not surprised. You're some kind of a genius, Rae." Clarke said with a smile.

Raven‘s lips slowly tugged up in a smile. "Well... both the university and the restaurant, they're— not really in town. They're like— an hour and a half from here? And basically next to each other. Murphy and I found this out while I was at his place some time ago, and so we had this crazy idea of moving together in a place closer to both of them. We're best friends, and it could be easier than traveling three hours every day for both." she shrugged. "It's been a thing for a few weeks now and we already found an apartment... Murphy already moved to settle his stuff while I'm waiting for the semester to end."

Clarke shook her head. "Why didn't you tell me..."

Raven stayed silent.

"That's a good thing, Raven, you know that, right?"

But Raven only drank her coffee so Clarke tried in another way. "You said you guys had this idea. But he had it... didn't he?”

Raven sighed. "Yeah."

"You do realize he's completely in love with you, right?"

Raven let out another sigh. She licked her lips from the coffee and looked down at her lap. "I need to tell you something else." she said, almost whispering.

Clarke frowned and expected the worse, but what her friend said later was actually one of the best news that she could have heard. _Fucking finally_ , she thought.

"We had sex," Raven began, looking at the tv in front of her. "It just happened. Like two months ago. But we— decided not to tell anyone. It never happened again. It was just a one time thing. The only ones who know about this are Bellamy, because he walked in on us, and Emori."

"The ex. Smart move."

Raven snorted. "She's a very good friend and she's been over Murphy for years. Plus, she's dating my hot ex so she can't say shit about it."

Clarke laughed. "Touché."

"Point is... I don't want to ruin our friendship. He's my best friend. And I love him, I do. But..."

Clarke's lips arched in a soft smile. "But you _love_ him."

Raven slowly looked at her friend and for a while they stayed quiet.

"Look, Raven... if you don't try this out only because you're afraid you're gonna ruin your friendship... you're gonna ruin it either way. Because you have feelings for him, and he does have feelings for you, too, I'm pretty sure even the lamps saw it two nights ago, so like— yeah, you just... you just have to try. Maybe it's gonna blew everything away but there's a chance he could also be your happiness."

The friend smiled a little but Clarke could tell she was frustrated.

"You know, Clarke... as someone whose love life is a complete mess, you give pretty good advices."

Clarke let our a breathy laughter but there was no way she would argue; Raven was right.

"So..." Raven mumbled, turning more toward her. "Are you two a thing again or?"

"What? No." she frowned. "No— no. We just— I don't know." Clarke sighed. "It just happened. I don't even know how. We were talking one second and the other he was all over me. I know it was a bad idea, it won't happen again." she nodded.

The look on Raven's face was transparent as water.

"What?" Clarke asked.

Raven laughed. "Well, sorry but— I don't believe you. How can you say this when you two have always been like a bomb?"

"Like what?"

"A bomb. You just need a spark and it's over. I truly do not think it's just _over_ like you say. Bellamy's still fucking gone for you and you can't even see it."

"He is?" Clarke spun her head to Raven and she smirked.

"Please. Didn't you see the way he looked at you at the party? He might be furious at you, and for right reasons, let's be honest. But he's still drawn to you. And I guess it's not one sided after all."

Clarke swallowed. How could it be? The attraction she felt for him never had left, not even a second.

But there was no way she would catch herself into that again.

"Not even you leaving helped, uh?"

"What do you mean?" Clarke asked.

"Well...before your left you kept having nightmares about the day you left. You know... after you two broke up. Do you remember?"

Clarke decided not to let her know the nightmares hadn't stopped at all.

"Yeah. But I don't get how this—"

"Maybe fucking him will help." Raven stated, drinking her coffee. "Will help you getting the guilt of leaving him out of your system."

"How would this help? I am not going to- fuck him to help myself feel better about what I did."

"So you haven't fucked him for this?"

"What? No!" Clarke frowned and pulled her head back. As many bad things she'd done, she was hurt that her friend would think something like that. "I didn't— fuck him for selfish reasons? I would never use him to feel better. I just did, Raven, 'cause I wanted him as much as he wanted me, that's just it. Clear as water. I already hurt him enough once, I am not gonna— have sex with him to feel better. Not to mention that, even if I decided to do that, it wouldn't help anyway. Nothing would."

Raven squeezed her thigh and Clarke found herself thinking about the very last words they ever exchanged to each other. About the day she left. About the day she'd broken his heart and in the process hers, too.

At around two in the afternoon, a message popped up on her screen. 

_**Bellamy Blake** _

_**2:03 pm** _

_The jacket?_

**Clarke Griffin**

**2:06 pm**

_I gave it to Raven._

**Bellamy Blake**

**1:09 pm**

_Got it, thanks_

Clarke would have liked to text back so bad, but she was pretty sure she would have asked him to meet because the more she tried not to think about that night, the more shivers ran across her spine because of the sensations he'd given her and she was terribly missing.

So she didn't.

Instead, she grabbed her vibrator and headed to her room.

No porn, no images needed.

All she needed were her memories.

* * *

When her friends had texted her to meet at the pub two days after the conversation with Raven, she told them she was still tired. Trying to adapt to the jet lag, that was her most used excuse at that time even if Boston and Los Angeles had just three hours of difference.

"Are you sure this is the color you need? Don't get me wrong, I think baby blue is great and goes along great with your eyes, but—"

"See? Then no reason why I shouldn't." Clarke picked up a brush out of the baby blue varnish's can and looked around, checking if every corner of the wall was covered with the paper.

Jasper sighed and walked up the first few steps of the small stair. "Is there a reason?”

"A reason for what?" she asked, eyes still on the wall.

"A reason why we're here painting your room instead of like, I don't know, watching a movie for example." Jasper blurted out, pulling a face when when the varnish fell from his brush. "Fuck, I think my brush is too little for this."

"You're the one who texted me and asked me to hang out."

"Yeah, hang out. Not improvise myself an house painter. Plus, I texted you because you didn't come to my place yesterday. Everyone was there for games night and you bailed, just like it happened pretty much every second week since before you left and every day since you came back."

Clarke pouted her lips and focused on painting the wall. "I was tired, Jasper." she lied.

She did not like lying to her friends, let alone Jasper who was always so nice to everyone and had such a big heart. He always had advices for everyone, too, but she excluded he could have an advice for her situation. And she wouldn't have wanted to drag him into her messes. So lying seemed like the best thing to do.

"Now aren't you tired? God, how do you hold this stuff everyday the whole day, I can't even hold it tightly, it's slippery."

She giggled lightly and turned her back to him. "There's varnish all over the grip, of course it is. What the hell are you doing?" she laughed.

Jasper held his hands in surrender and threw the brush away. "You're the artist here. I'm just slowing you down"

"Alright, let's take a break," she said, getting off her stair. "Do you want a cup of tea?"

Jasper smirked and jumped off the stair, taking the old apron Clarke gave him off.

"How about I eat every snack you have in your cupboard and you drink your tea?"

Clarke smirked. "Deal."

* * *

Emori was baking something in the kitchen but she didn't complain when they joined her.

She waved at Jasper and then looked at Clarke. "You're finally out of your room."

Clarke did not answer but with the corner of her eyes she saw Jasper looking at her.

"What?" he said. "So you've been hiding from everyone too, uh?"

"Apart from when she starts cleaning the whole house." Emori blurted out. "I'm not complaining though! Keep going!" she added then, smirking.

"I'm not hiding. I'm literally just resting for a few days and tryna build my life here again. Get used to home. Give me a rest.”

"Can I know why Raven's been a bit pissed at you?" Emori asked without looking over, her eyes examining an open recipes book on the counter.

"That was a few days ago, we're fine now."

"Oh, so you are hiding, you miss my games night at my place and Raven's pissed at you?" Jasper folded his arms. "What did you do?"

"Nothing? Here, eat Raven's snacks." Clarke took a bag of chips and thew it at Jasper.

"Actually, those are mine." Emori remarked. "Raven's shelf is full of energy bars and protein shakes. Nothing you wanna eat if you don't wanna make a stopping to the gym later."

"I think I'll stick with yours, Emori. Thanks." Jasper grinned and opened the package.

Clarke made herself and Emori some tea and then sat on the island with her legs crossed. Jasper sat at the table and for a few minutes he just stared at his phone while eating the chips.

After a while, Emori put her cake in the over and walked out of the kitchen to wash the flour off her face. Jasper lifted his face from the phone and rubbed his hands, swallowing his food.

"So, at your welcome back party..."

"What about it?" she muttered quietly, sipping on her hot tea.

"Bellamy and Octavia came."

"Yeah, I saw that."

"Did you invite them?"

Clarke shrugged. "Raven took care of the invitations. But I didn't exactly need to invite them? You all are their friends, too, if they wanted to come, they could."

"And they did." Jasper said, "I'm just saying this because for the last few months we haven't spent a night all together if not for important birthdays and shit. Either you're there or Bellamy's there. So seeing him there for you... that was weird for everyone."

"Yeah," Clarke nodded. "Believe me, for me, too."

Jasper stood up and walked to the fridge, opening it and sweeping his eyes over the shelves. "That's also why I'm asking myself why you missed it yesterday. Since Bellamy didn't come."

_Bellamy didn't come?_

"What do you mean he didn't come?"

Jasper nodded while keeping his eyes inside the fridge. "Yeah, everyone was there apart from him and you. Oh, and Murphy, but Raven said he got a stomach virus or something so he was sick at home."

"I didn't know that."

"Yeah me neither!" he said, taking a bottle of coke out of the fridge and closing the door with his hip. "Apparently he threw up the whole night, and when—"

"No," Clarke laughed softly. "I was talking about Bellamy not being there."

"Oh—" Jasper shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah. Octavia was there though. But Harper gave her a ride so I think he just wasn't in the mood or something. Or maybe he was with Roma, I wouldn't know."

Clarke's eyes suddenly stopped sweeping over the kitchen and she blinked.

_Roma?_

"Roma?" she voiced her thoughts, trying to keep her tone the more neutral possible. She tried not to give that name too much weight. And not because she didn't want to make Jasper notice that name actually worked her way into her mind, but because she was trying to convince herself it didn't.

"Yeah." Jasper nodded then frowned and turned to glance at her. "Maybe I shouldn't have— Oh. Oh my god, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. That wasn't my place... I just— yeah you've just been away for a while and I had forgotten it when Bellamy introduced her to us."

_Introduced her._

Clarke knew Bellamy better than he knew himself and she was sure as hell he was not the type to introduce his partners to their friends.

Actually, Bellamy was not even the type to have serious partners in the first place.

He fucked around — at that, he was good — but since she'd met him, he'd always been a casual kind of guy. Everyone probably thought it was because he didn't care about love or such things but Clarke knew him, and it wasn't that. He just had a really big heart and when he loved, he did it with his whole self. So he always cautiously balanced how much of himself he let someone see and how much he shouldn't have. She'd known about this one girl, though, that had Bellamy's heart long before she even met him. Her name was Gina and she'd never met her but she had an idea of this woman through her friends' stories and memories. From what she knew, she was great for Bellamy, and she was the first and only person — apart from Clarke — who had been able to let Bellamy open his heart and commit into a serious relationship that lasted a whole year and two months.

She didn't know what had happened next, no one had ever told her why they broke up — and Bellamy did not talk about her — but the fact that Bellamy chose Clarke as next person to open his heart to after such an important relationship had always meant something to her.

But now, she really was about to live the thing she always had feared but that she also had always hoped, against every cell of her heart: Bellamy being happy with someone else. And although she had left him with the hope that he would've found someone else who deserved him and loved him like he deserved to be loved and who didn't leave him at the first difficulty, that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

On top of that, if he was really dating someone, he had cheated on this so called Roma with her. Clarke had been cheated on - everyone remembered how bad she'd been after finding out her apparently loving boyfriend had actually been her new roommate's boyfriend for even longer - and she knew it wasn't anything she wished to her worst enemy.

She could've bared being used for sex because he was angry at her — hell, a sick part of her even thought she deserved it — but she wouldn't have accepted sleeping with someone's partner.

And it was that same night that she decided it: she would've went and asked him answers.

* * *

Three rounds of two knocks on the door, and she heard footsteps getting closer.

She pulled away from the doorframe and fixed her hair with her hand. She thought how stupid it was only a second later and so she let her hand fall and instead shoved it into the back pocket of her jeans.

Bellamy opened the door in just a pair of shorts and the vision of him being shirtless made Clarke swallow.

She blinked and told herself to look at his face, and she found an expression as confused as shocked.

"What are you doing here?"

Clarke cleared her throat and handed him a bag with his jacket. "Washed."

He blinked a few times and hesitantly took the bag. "I told you, Raven would've given it to Murphy and Murphy would've given it to me, there was no need to come he—"

"Can I come in?"

She could've sworn she saw him stumbling back with his feet. But right when Clarke started chickening out, he pushed the door further open and stepped to the side. No questions. He just looked at her with a really confused look on her face.

His apartment was still pretty much the same as months ago, as messy as she remembered it.

His corner bookshelf was fuller than she remembered — if that even was possible — and his pair of glasses were buried under tons of papers — written and blank — on the desk against the right wall.

She saw some video games messily put on a shelf over the tv but she figured those were Nathan's. She even noticed all the framed pictures of Bellamy and Octavia, Bellamy Murphy and Nathan, some of Nathan and Bryan, and several pictures with of all his friends. Her eye even caught some of Murphy with Raven and his foster mom, so she figured he still needed to take some of his stuff out of the apartment.

"I'm sorry I didn't warn you I was coming." she mumbled, turning her gaze from the room to him.

He closed the door and avoided to look at her.

"I know you didn't only come here for the jacket, so just spit it and let's call it a day."

Clarke sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "Look. I know it's not my place to come here and— well, tell you how you should behave in a relationship, or— I don't know, give you the pep talk or whatever. I'm not here for that, really, at all. But I'd like you to tell me if you just cheated on your girlfriend with me. I know I don't deserve anything from you but I at least don't want to be used to make someone else suffer."

"My what?" Bellamy asked, letting his arms fall. He seemed visibly unaware.

"Your— girlfriend. I mean, I don't know. Whoever you're dating, doesn't matter. Point is—"

"Hold on," he held his arms in surrender and took a step toward her. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Clarke blinked through her eyelashes. She felt ashamed enough she drove 'til there to talk to him about it when she knew he was the last person he wanted to see, and now that she might have misunderstood everything, she felt even worse.

She tried to speak quietly, but her voice was shaky. "Roma?"

Bellamy's expression changed in a blink and he slowly relaxed his forehead.

She swallowed heavily and heard him scoffing. She frowned when he looking up at the ceiling.

"Is this not serious enough for you? Because I really—"

"Clarke," he scoffed again and shook his head. "Jesus Christ, Clarke..." he ran his hand over his face and finally looked at her again. "She's not my girlfriend. And we're not even dating."

Clarke blinked again. "You're... not?"

"No! God... where did you— who even talked to you about her? Was it Raven?"

"No, no," she shook her bead. "It doesn't matter who did, the person who did didn't even want to, it was an accident but point is I thought you just cheated on this girl with me."

"I didn't cheat on anyone. I'm not Finn." he said it with such a rage in his tone that gave Clarke chills.

"God..." she sighed. "I'm sorry...I'm an idiot. I should have known better... I heard you introduced her to the others so it just sounded like it was something serious."

Bellamy snorted loudly. "I didn't introduce her to them. They basically forced me to." he sighed and folded his arms in front of his chest again. "We met more or less two weeks ago and we hooked up. She called me two days later, asking me if I wanted to meet her, so we did. And we hooked up again. It was just—" he shrugged "just sex, of course. We've been hooking up casually for a while, she calls me when her shifts finish, I call her when Miller isn't home." he shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing serious. But lately she's been hinting she wants more than that, so I stopped her right away and cleared my intentions with her. Wanted to be honest. The guys were so fucking happy I was seeing someone again, that they invited her to one of our nights without telling me, so I was like— forced to introduce her to the others to be nice. We literally are nothing. God," he laughed quietly. "I can't believe you thought I fucked you while having a girlfriend."

Clarke could not believe she thought that herself, and not really because Bellamy wasn't the type maybe, but because she should've known better.

She should've known that when he opened his heart to Gina she apparently broke his heart, and when he opened his heart to her she broke his heart as well, and that Bellamy was not the type to repeat all that.

And as much as she was relieved, that hurt.

"I'm sorry. Bellamy, I'm really sorry. I'm an idiot, I should've just— minded my own business. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, it's whatever." he shrugged his shoulders. "I told her we can't fuck anymore just yesterday."

"Is that— why you weren't at Jasper's games night?"

He narrowed his eyed at her. "So you went."

"No, I didn't. Thought you'd have gone."

"I did not," he said. "I was with Roma, as I said."

Clarke slowly nodded and tried to ignore the question that was slowly forming in her brain, but she was there and she had embarrassed herself enough already, so why not end with that at that point.

"Can I..." she swallowed, not sure of how to word that. "Can I ask why..."

"Why I told her I wanna stop having sex with her?"

She nodded and suddenly the air got ticker around them.

He snorted and she saw a smug smirk on his lips.

"Well," he started. "I told you already that she wanted things I did not want."

Clarke nodded at him.

"Besides..." he added. "I tried to fuck other people and tell myself it was as good as it was with you, and I even succeeded at first. Kinda foolish, don't you think?" he smirked. "But then, after fucking you again... I could not keep pretending she gave me what you gave me." he admitted, shrugging his shoulders with an ease it made Clarke swallow again. "I might be furious at you. I still am, sex didn't change anything. But I've never had better sex than I've had with you, and there's no reason why I should lie to myself. And last week proved that." he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "You admitted that after I made you come. Remember? Well, it took me almost two weeks to admit it out loud, too, but it's like that."

She did not know what to say.

There were not a lot of things that Clarke could've done in that moment, she thought, but there were a lot of things that she shouldn't have done. A lot.

The mess she was getting herself into was bigger than she had expected, the biggest one she'd ever gotten into after leaving him, perhaps, but was she gonna stop now that her shirtless ex had just admitted he felt in the same exact way she had felt for the past months when it came to fuck someone else?

"It was a mistake." she said, instead. Her tone firm.

"It definitely was." he confirmed. "We said this already, right after fucking."

"I know." Clarke slowly nodded. "And nothing changed."

"No..." he tilted his head to one side and let his arms fall. "No, nothing did."

She could swear he could feel the tension between them just like she did, and the way his smirk stayed still on his lips, that made it all worse for her.

_It was a mistake._

"So I... guess I should go, now."

She saw him sweeping his eyes from head to toe. All over her body. A shiver ran down her spine, and only then she noticed he was closer to her now.

"Yes, I think you really should go, Clarke." he said, but made no move to step away to let her pass.

She knew she could've simply taken a step back and walk past him.

She simply did not want to.

Clarke took a deep breath. As she tilted her chin up to have a better visual of his face, she lifted her right hand, placing it on his chest.

_It was a mistake._

"You can't tell me she doesn't give you what I give you, and then tell me to leave..." she whispered, and her words got lost somewhere in the thick air between them.

"You're the one who said it was a mistake."

His left hand met her waist, touching the inch of skin her cropped sweater did not cover. Clarke's breath itched.

 _It was a mistake_.

"Was I wrong?" she whispered.

"I never said that." his voice was low and raspy.

She could've sworn he was doing it on purpose, using the way his deep voice worked it's way inside of her to his advantage.

"You still can't do it." she whispered.

"Maybe I don't want to" he said, his eyes inspecting every inch of her face.

When he tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, carefully brushing his finger against her earlobe, she felt the warmth. She felt it, inside of her.

_It was a mistake._

_It was a mistake._

_It was a mistake_.

 _Fuck_.

This time, she was the one who kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind words in the first chapter <3


	3. Running in circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early update!  
> For those of you who love smut, there’s some at the end of this very chapter. For those who don’t, it should be easy to skip to the very last sentences.  
> I hope you’ll enjoy!

_# twelve months before #_

_Bellamy got to her apartment sooner than she expected._

_She’d texted him that they needed to talk, despite knowing full well how anxious this could’ve made him. But she loved him too much to just talk around it and give him false hopes_.

_She didn’t want to do it, no matter how much it seemed the opposite. But she also knew in her heart, deep in it, that that was the right choice. Or at least she thought it was._

_Bellamy walked inside the apartment with an expression that Clarke recognized. He was not serene. His eyebrows were furrowed and a wrinkle on his forehead made him look angry, but he wasn’t. He was frustrated, and anxious. Nervous._

_“What happened? Are you alright?”_

_Clarke, who until that moment thought that it she could’ve done that, felt her heart crack at the sound of his voice. How could she look heartless and cold and tell the man she loved she was leaving?_

_She swallowed thickly. “No. Nothing’s alright, Bell.”_

_Then, remembering the promise to_ _herself. “Bellamy.” she corrected herself_

_He frowned. Like he knew. Like he knew what was going to happen beforehand. “What’s happening?”_

_She sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling, desperately trying to find the strength._

_“We are not alright.”_

_He pulled his head back. “Can you be a little bit more specific now?” he asked, shrugging his jacket off his shoulder but maintaining his eyes on her._

“ _We’ve been fighting like hell, Bellamy. It’s been weeks and weeks and weeks. C’mon, don’t pretend to know what I’m referring to now. You know we have problems.”_

_He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I know that. You think I don’t?”_

_“No, I know you do, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.”_

_“We’ve talked about this already, Clarke.”_

_“Yeah, and did we find a solution yet? Did we? Because I remember that we made up on Saturday after not talking for a week straight and then yesterday we fought again.”_

_“Well, you’re the one who—”_

_“No!” Clarke spat, “No, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t start with the ‘Oh but you did this’ and I’ll just reply back with an ‘Yes but you did that’ and we’ll just start another fight. See? Do you see the problem?”_

_Bellamy stayed silent. He only clenches his jaw, staring at her with his arms crossed on his chest._

_“Bellamy... you and I, we both know where this is going.”_

_He parted his lips to talk, but before he could, something caught his attention._

_She saw him moving his gaze behind her, and then slowly realizing his shoulder like he’d just seen a ghost._

_“Did you pack your bags?”_

_Clarke relaxes her own forehead when she remembered she didn’t put the bags back in her room to talk to him first. An exhale escaped her lips and her heart thrummed hard once against her chest. That was it: that was the end of everything._

_“Are you—” he looked at her again, unable to talk. “Are you... are you leaving?”_

_A lump formed in Clarke’s throat._

_She swallowed it down._

_“I am” she said, cold._

_Bellamy blinked, the trace of realization and something else that resembled too much to disappointment all over his pretty face, making Clarke stomach curl inward with itself._

_That was already too much for her._

_“We can’t do this anymore. You know already how this would end... in us destroying each other. Or, more likely, me breaking your heart. I’m—” her voice trailed off itself and she had to breathe deeply to regain it, “I’m going to England for a while. I don’t know how long. I got an occasion to study there for a few months.”_

_Bellamy didn’t say a word, but she didn’t want him to. She wasn’t sure she could’ve borne it._

_"There's no future for us." she blurted out._

_"And you say that to me now? After months?_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"You're sorry?" Bellamy'd furrowed his eyebrows and his neck vein looked like it was about to explode. "You're— sorry?! One second we're fine and the other you're breaking up with me because you want to go take a holiday in Europe, and all you know to say is 'I'm sorry'?"_

_"We aren’t fine. And this is— it’s not an holiday."_

_"It's not?"_

_"No. I can't do this, Bellamy. We can't do this. I need—" she swallowed. "I need a break. And this just hurts you. Look at us... we've been fighting every day for the last months, nonstop. You've been feeling down like I've never seen you, and all because of this situation. All because of me. We don't work, even if, God, how much i'd want us to. But I'm not— enough, it's not enough, I'm not sure if I'll ever be... so I'm not doing any good to you. I need to go, I need—"_

_There was no way Clarke could keep the tears back anymore. So she let them out._

_"Yeah, okay, we have problems. But what couple doesn't?" he parted his arms. "You are enough. I'm telling you are more than enough. I'm here, Clarke. And I'm not giving up on us."_

_"I'm not giving up on us either."_

_"You're not? Because it looks to me like you are."_

_"Bellamy—“_

_"No, Clarke. There's no apology for this. I can't save a relationship the other wants to desperately end."_

_"Bellamy...this would just hurt you more. You deserve better."_

_"You do not get to decide what I deserve, Clarke." he said through gritted teeth, "I deserve to be happy? Well, I'm happy with you. We can get through this, together. We can—"_

_"There's no— together." she swallowed. She tried so hard to contain the tears. "There's no future, I told you." she said, close to tears._

_"Why?" he'd asked, folding his arms and keeping the tears back. "Why?" he repeated, "Is there someone else?"_

_"No." Clarke said firmly, shaking her head heavily. She let out a heavy sigh and looked down at herself, too many tears rolling down her cheeks right now. "God, absolutely no..."_

_There'd never been anyone else, there never would be._

_"Then what is it? You don't— is that because I told you I loved you? Because if that's— if that's the issue—"_

_"I love you, too, Bellamy." she said almost sobbing._

_Bellamy's eyes slightly widened and he let his arms fall next to his body. He did not speak for a few seconds._

_"If you love me, why are you leaving me..." he again whispered through gritted teeth._

_"Because... there's too much shit going on in my life, and I'm messed up, Bellamy. So if I stay, we'll just keep fighting and I'll just break your heart. Instead, you can live a happy life without me."_

_"I already told you I don't care. My life is as messy as yours is, we can get through this hard time."_

_"It's not a hard time, Bellamy!" she shouted. "It's not a bad period, it's my life! And I am— I'm—" she swallowed, ignoring the tear that was rubbing down Bellamy's left cheek. "I'm incapable to love. I could not— love you, not as much as you deserve in a normal situation, let alone now."_

_Bellamy just stood there. Fragile, totally vulnerable._

_A tear fell down his cheek and landed on his shirt, and Clarke felt her stomach curling inward with itself. "_

_If you walk out of that door," he started. "if you... if you leave me, here..." he paused. And then looked straight into her teary eyes, "there's no coming back, Clarke."_

_She swiped the tears off her right eye and whispered. "I'm sorry, Bellamy. Believe it or not, I'm doing this for you. You deserve so much better."_

_He sniffed. "I don't care about want I deserve or what I do deserve. I want you. I love you."_

_Clarke broke down in a cry and as she tried not to sob all she could see was Bellamy looking at her with a look that would've hunted her for the rest of her life._

_It was with the firm conviction that she was doing it for him, that she dragged herself to the apartment door with her luggages._

_Bellamy followed her there and she forced herself to ignore his red swollen eyes._

_"Are you really walking away from me?"_

_Those words, those were the words that haunted her worse nightmares._

_She turned around to face him once she was already outside. but when she parted her lips, his grabbed the door. So hard that she could swear his fingers were starting to get white from the tightness of his grip._

_"I... I hope you can forgive me, someday. I don't deserve it, probably, but I hope you will."_

_With tears still in his eyes, he whispered._

_"Don't fucking come back."_

_He closed the door on her, but she figured it was for the better, so that he didn't have to see her sobbing._

* * *

_ # now #  _

They didn't resist more than four days.

The night she went to his apartment, Clarke had decided not to do the same mistake again, and so, right after having sex, she'd rushed out of his apartment in the late night.

He hadn't tried to talk her out of it — he'd himself probably thought it would've been the best idea — and so she had quickly got dressed and given him an awkward wave before she'd walked out of his apartment with palpitations.

But already three days later, a Saturday night she was struggling. Those days had felt like an eternity to her.

Sipping on a glass of red wine, sitting on her couch and staring at a off tv, she could not believe how awkwardly she'd behaved.

A wave. She thought. A fucking wave.

Jesus Christ, Clarke, what's wrong with you.

But just as she threw her head back against the couch and closed her eyes, on her phone's screen popped up a notification.

_**Bellamy Blake   
** _

_**7:10pm**_

Miller's _staying at Bryan's tonight_

Clarke's felt her throat dry for a second and had to read and reread the notification. She knew Bellamy had been the one to initiate the kiss the first time — she had no idea why — and he had definitely returned it when she had kissed him again at his apartment, so him subtly asking her to fuck just again shouldn't have come as a surprise.

Instead, she still felt like the air got sucked out of her lungs, even more when he double texted her.

_**Bellamy Blake** _

_**7:13pm**_

_If you want, of course_

**_Bellamy Blake_ **

**_7:13pm_**

_Let me know within 10PM, i have work tomorrow_

No way. No fucking way.

Clarke looked down at her glass of wine and tried to talk to her head; tell herself to think about all the valid reasons why she should've texted him something, everything, rather than yes.

But every time she closed her eyes she felt his hands on her and the sensation she craved for so long that he was able to give her.

She downed her glass of wine and grabbed her phone.

_**Clarke Griffin** _

_**7:30pm**_

_On my way._

* * *

When she drove to his apartment again, heopened the door shirtless again. They didn't even say hi to each other.

She'd rushed inside and kissed him with the same intensity he'd put in their kiss the night of her welcome back party, and an hour later they were laying down naked and breathless on his couch, both staring at the ceiling in total silence.

Clarke sighed, running her hands through her face. And because she saw Bellamy's gaze on her, she turned to glance at him.

He was as sleepy as she remembered he always looked after sex, and his expression was soft.

He only gave her cold expressions that could not be deciphered ever since they broke up, but only after sex he let himself look at her, without needing to let his guards up every damn time.

She sighed again, letting her hands fall on the blankets.

"So..." she began, sitting up and wrapping the blankets around her chest, "Are we doing this?"

He smirked. "It looks to me like we already did it."

She shook her head and got up, wandering around his dark living room looking for her clothes. "I mean... are we doing this? This is the third time we have sex and we still haven't talked about it."

"And who says we should talk about it?"

"Bellamy..."

"Okay, okay," he said, sighing and not following her movements with his eyes.

She could feel him looking away, or - rather - forcing himself to look away, as if he hadn't touched those same naked curves he was trying to avoid just some minutes ago. "But do we really need to talk about it? I mean, I don't even know if there's anything to talk about."

"Well I think there is, because we said it was a mistake and it wouldn't have happened again... and then it did."

"You showed up to my apartment acting all jealous toward a person who wasn't even my girlfriend," he blurted out grabbing his underwear from the cold floor. "And then kissed me."

"You kissed me back." she snapped. And then, again, "And texted me today to meet you here."

He sighed. "Guilty." He wore his briefs in silence, avoiding her gaze. "Look, I don't know what to tell you apart from the fact that we did make a mistake the first time. And the second time, too. And now. And if we had had sex a forth time too, I would tell you we made a mistake then, as well. My view isn't going to change."

She nodded. "Understandable. I agree with you."

"Point is," he began, rubbing his hand through his curly dark hair. A lump formed in Clarke's throat when he turned completely to her and the small ray of dinner light coming from his closed curtains lightened his dark, freckled, sweat skin. "Do we want to stop?"

"I don't know, do we?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him and trying to ignore the way even his eyes shined thanks to the morning light.

"I don't." he said, firmly.

Clarke didn't know want she expected — she really didn't — but his answer did strike her just a little bit.

"I don't, either." she said.

And for the first time in months, she was genuinely saying the truth.

He nodded. "Alright." he then shrugged, tilting his chin to the door, "Just sex, no strings. We're both good at it. What could go wrong?”

Clarke swallowed and nodded to herself. Maybe, trying to convince herself that he was right after all. That nothing could go wrong.

Or maybe, to convince herself that she wasn't making a huge, colossal mistake by agreeing to those terms.

Either way, she nodded at him.

"One last thing," he began before she could make any move to leave, "We're not telling the others, right?"

"I think it's for the best that we keep this for ourselves." and she meant it.

"Alright. Clear like water."

Clarke nodded at him.

"Great."

She picked up her shoes and didn't bother to pull her hair in a bun, not giving a fuck it was clearly sex hair.

And then, she walked out of his apartment without any further word.

* * *

At least every second day of the week after that night, Bellamy and Clarke met.

And every time they did, they were careful not to engage in any dangerously long conversations.

Sex, that was it. Sex with no strings. 

Because last time they got feelings involved, things went to shit _._

 _Just sex_ , that was the rule.

She'd asked him to meet her at her place two days later, when Raven had spent the night with Murphy because he was sick, and it looked like Emori and Luna were going strong so her second roommate was almost always out.

And he had told her his apartment would've been free the following weekend so she'd already managed to clear her schedule and be at him at 9PM sharp on that Saturday night. In that way, there wouldn't have been risks of them having dinner together or talking about literally anything before one of them would start the kiss.

There were times where they would meet and not even say something, just jump on each other and let the things come by themselves.

Others, they'd try to at least say hi to each other or ask each other some basic random question such as "how are you?" or "how did work go today?", but they didn't resist more than a few minutes.

In the meanwhile, she'd tried to keep herself busy, to keep him out of her and out of her system to not get addicted to him all over again, but nothing could seem to work. The memories of the life she'd so much desired with him seemed to not leave her alone, not the day, not the night, and not even when she forced herself to think about anything else or kept herself busy.

If she cleaned the house, she found herself thinking about when they'd had that conversation about having their own apartment someday. 

If she wanted to get off to not think about how his mouth worked her up just perfectly, the only thing that could get her off was the memories of their nights.

If she painted, her mind traveled to that one night where she'd asked him if she could draw him and — although she'd feared to be asking him too much — his answer had warmed her heart and made her smile like an idiot.

  
#

_"I would love you to draw me."_

_"Are you serious?" she asked._

_"Yes," he said, quietly. "Of course I am, Griffin."_

_"Don't call me that." she softly smiled._

_"Why not? You don't like it?"_

_"I do. But you almost never use that for me. I prefer Clarke."_

_"Clarke Griffin is your name, I recall." he said, wrapping an arm around her and_ pulling her closer.

_His arm around her naked body had always felt like the safest place in the world. Nothing could hurt her if she was there, if she had him holding her._

_"It is my name..."_

_He smirked and caressed her arm, tracing lines and circles and shapes all over her arm, following his own finger with his eyes._

_"Do you prefer Clarke Blake?"_

_Clarke got silent. That had thrown her off for a moment — and she stayed still, which Bellamy noticed. But then she lifted her head up and looked him in the eyes._

_"Too soon?" Bellamy murmured._

_She'd let out a breathy laughter. "I'd prefer Bellamy Griffin."_

_He raised an eyebrow but he could not help to sigh, relieved. "God, for a second I thought you did not catch it was a joke."_

"Oh so does this mean you don't want to marry me?"

" _I—I never—" he laughed awkwardly. "I never said that... It was a joke and you know that. It's just—"_

_"Too soon." she said._

_His hand traveled to hers and they locked fingers together. "Too soon." he smiled._

_Clarke looked at their hands together and for a while, they stayed in silence, enjoying the after moment, where everything was calm and they were could just enjoy each other's scent._

_Then, she let go off his hand and turned to lay down on her stomach, holding the sheets on her chest._

_Clarke brought her hand to his face and carefully traced a line with her fingertips that went from his forehead to his nose, down to his lips and then slowly drawing imaginary circles on his cheeks. "You have so many freckles... I would love to draw the hell out of them. And your_ _features... they're are so pretty. You look like you've been sculptured by an artist."_

_He'd let her touch him, melting underneath her touch._

" _Would you really do that? Let me draw you?" she finally asked._

_Bellamy bursted into a brief but soft laugh at the absurdity of her even slightly thinking he'd say no to anything she'd desired._

_If it was possible, Clarke could have asked him the moon, and he would've sold his soul to whoever he would've had to convince the moon to be hers._

_One of his hand tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and she dedicated him a genuine smile._

_"I would love you to draw me."_

" _Why?"_

_"Because," he kept his hand on her neck, his eyes sweeping over her candid face. "I know how much drawing means to you. How much you love art, and it's not something you share with everyone. If you asked me... well, that must mean maybe I'm important enough. I would actually be honored."_

_Knowing how much he knew of her, how much he was able to see through her, it scared her. It scared the shit out of her how transparent she was in front of him, how not one of the walls she'd built over the years to survive suddenly crumpled with one of his touches, one of his looks, one of his words._

_Was she terrified by that? Yes._

_But she was also, definitely, completely falling in love with him_.

#

* * *

Saturday was the last day she'd seen him.

So that Tuesday night, pretty much as every night she did not see Bellamy since the weekend, Clarke could not sleep.

Wandering on the hallway in complete dark to avoid waking her roommates up, she brought her phone with her and headed to the balcony. Clarke yawned and checked the time.

Her phone said _11:03 pm,_ which wasn't as late as she excepted. So she decided to call him.

Sweeping her eyes over the silent and sleeping city in front of her, she was surprised when he answered at the second ring. 

"Hey." his voice was so raspy she was pretty sure he was sleeping.

"Did I wake you up?"

He mumbled something and she could guess he was yawning.

"No, no. I am actually working. Or— was. My shift just ended, like three minutes ago ."

"Oh," she blinked a couple of times. "oh... you still work at that pub? What's it called..."

"Skaikru. I do, yeah."

Clarke's mind suddenly went back in time, when she would meet him at the end of his shifts and they would have sex in the staff's restroom. Given everything, she did miss it.

"So, why'd you call?"

"Right." she snapped back to reality. "I can't sleep. I was just— yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to meet."

Clarke didn't hear anything from the other end of the phone for a few seconds. But then, with a very calm tone, he finally said "I have to close tonight, and the last customers are about to leave. Meet me here. An hour." and he ended the call.

* * *

Entering the pub sure didn't help Clarke push the memories of their time together that were slowly resurfacing back. It was pretty much the same as she remembered it.

She wrapped her arms around herself and looked at the time again. She walked through the empty tables where all the chairs were upside down, and she guessed he had probably just washed the floor. As Clarke started sweeping her eyes over the paintings and the frames on the walls his familiar voice snapped her out of it.

"Took you long enough." he walked out of the dark and silent hallway with a couple of chairs, and then walked behind the counter with them.

She half smiled at him but it didn't last long. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and tilted her chin at him. "Do you still have that asshole as a boss?"

"Who?" he frowned. "Oh," he said grinning. "You mean Charles Pike? No, no he's not here anymore."

"Good, I remember he acted like a bastard with all of his employees."

Bellamy smirked and took the rag off his shoulder. "He was a bastard. But somehow he was kinda nice to me only, which made it even creepier?" he let the rag fall in the sink and pushed the chairs further back.

"I remember that!" Clarke said, slowly smiling. "Was he— was he the one who one day took you apart and told you you could have a raise but you shouldn't have told your colleagues?"

"Yeah," he snorted. "And, randomly, at the time all my colleagues for my night shifts were women. Totally casual."

"Sexist piece of shit." she blurted out.

"Yeah. Remember what happened?" he asked. placing his hands on the counter and looking at her.

Clarke grinned. She walked closer to him. "If i remember? Of course I do. You rightfully questioned his — let me say it again, fucking sexist — decision, and instead told all your colleagues. And then with them tried to write a letter to the owner of the restaurants' chain to take the job from him."

Bellamy hinted at a smile and parted his arms. "It worked."

"Wait," Clarke raised her eyebrows. "Is that why he's gone?"

Bellamy's grin grew wider and Clarke laughed.

"It took them quite a while... but they finally went through our complains letter and guess they found it as wrong as we all did. Thank god." he said.

"Oh my god," Clarke slowly sat on one of the stools and leaned on the counter with her elbow. She placed her chin on her hand and looked at him. "Was about time.”

"Yeah..."

Then, Bellamy leaned forward with his arms, resulting him to be in front of her on the other side of the counter.

"So who's the owner now?"

Bellamy curled his lips in a smirk.

"You're looking at him."

What?

Great.

He now owned a fucking pub.

And she fucking missed him getting a promotion.

And on top of that, now he had a office all for himself.

And god if that turned her on.

"You— are you serious right now?"

"Well, kinda." he laughed. "I'm co-owner. You know that's not really— my thing? I don't even really care about it, but I do care about the money I'd get from this position because it's helping me paying my studies. I'm almost graduating, by the way."

Right.

She remembered. Time passed.

How couldn't she remember — his infinite love for history and greek mythology that Clarke had mocked so many times — god only knew how many times she'd call him a nerd for it — but that she actually found brilliant.

She found him brilliant.

She didn't even care about mythology, never did, before him.

But she'd let him tell her all the crazy stories about these gods and goddesses and their adventures in some twisted mystic reality that would somehow have a plot twist and a mora.

She'd let him because she had loved all of him, and when it came out of his mouth, everything was interesting. Fascinating.

She was always amazed by anything if it came from him.

She asked herself how did she find herself into that.

"Congrats." Clarke smiled at him. "Do I know the co-owner?"

"Co-owners." Bellamy corrected her, walking out from behind the counter and taking his apron off. "No, no you don't. They're a couple whose dream apparently has always been owning something like this. So, we made this deal. That I stay as long as I get the money, and as soon as I get enough for my studies all of this will be theirs."

"Oh, wow." She blinked. His eternal kindness had always been something that she loved about him. It was one of the first reasons why she had — back then — decided he was worth a shot. That he was worth a first date after the disaster her two previous relationships had been. "That's... very kind of you."

"Uhu." Bellamy threw his apron away and before she knew it he was standing in front of her, terribly close to her. Clarke hadn't noticed it but she could've lifted her chin and their lips could've brushed.

"So, I have an office." He said quietly.

"Oh." Clarke swallowed down the rest of the sentence.

The implications of those four words sent shivers down her spine.

"Yeah..." he took his hand and Clarke blinked slowly.

If she was keeping herself from feeling anything apart from the sexual tension between them, then someone should've warned her, because his hand touching hers caused a mixture of sparkles and sensations that after running down her body exploded in her chest.

It was something she had been looking everywhere, but that him only was able to create.

Bellamy brought her to his office and pulled her inside, turning the light on. Then, he closed the door behind him. Clarke's curious eyes inspected the walls all around them, covered in frames while Bellamy was already locking the door.

"Are the walls more interesting than me?" he raised an eyebrow at her.

Clarke turned toward him and fought a laugh. "Nah. Not even close."

She bit her bottom lip and as she held it in that grip Bellamy started taking steps toward her, covering the distance between them.

"You did not call me to have a chat." he said firmly.

"I called you because I couldn't sleep."

"So that I could help you, I assume."

"Help me sleep?" she asked, taking a step back when he got close enough to kiss her.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Help you not think about whatever keeps you up." he finally answered. "Or that's my guess anyway."

"Mh" Clarke mumbled with her mouth closed. There were things she just had to keep for herself.

Bellamy tilted his head slightly to the left and swept his eyes all over her. "Are we gonna fuck, or?" he parted his arms and for a second Clarke sucked in a breath.

Right.

"Yeah..." she nodded. Then, she cupped his face into her hands and kissed him.

But he didn't let her. He pulled away and took her hands in his, inspecting her face with his smart eyes while also letting her hands fall. "Are you alright, now?"

Clarke swallowed. "No. But aren't you here to ease this?"

"Not ease," he frowned. "Overcome it, maybe."

She wetted her lips and wrapped the collar of his shirt around her hands, curling it with her fingers. "I'm fine with overcoming it." she said, quiet voice. Her fingers rucked the fabric of his dirty shirt and that got Bellamy's attention.

He swept his eyes to her lips and, quietly, said, "Overcoming it.... that's for weak people."

Clarke barely shrugged as she kept her lips far enough from his not to kiss him but close enough to smell his scent.

The warmth of his body awakening her endless yearning for him. While looking up in his eyes, Clarke lets out a breath, murmuring her words against his bottom lip. "I am weak."

Bellamy shook his head but parted his lips enough for her to take his bottom one between her teeth. She bit it, and he let out a hiss that made Clarke grin. But just as soon as she let it go, she found him with his eyes closed. The way his was vulnerable under her touch just as much as she was under his made it all even better. With a whisper, Bellamy demonstrated how much of a fool Clarke was to think she could make him believe anything when he knew her better than anyone. "No," he said, wrapping his arms around her hips which made Clarke exhale. "No, you're not..."

Clarke swallowed again and Bellamy wetted his lips, licking hers too close to his in the process.

"If you're not feeling well, however,maybe we should—"

Clarke sighed and pulled him down, their lips finally crushing against each other in a heated and very much desired kiss that made both of them suck in a breath for the first half second of it.

He stopped talking, but she didn't mind it when he pulled her closer and slipped his tongue inside of her mouth.

They went both rough with it right away, sucking each other's tongue possessively, pouring into the kiss all the bottled emotions they had been keeping for themselves in months.

Bellamy walked forward, making Clarke hit the desk with her ankles.

She placed an hand on the desk behind her and let go off Bellamy's shirt just to pull it up.

Bellamy tried to be in control — she could feel that, in her bones — but right when he tried to lift her up she pushed him away, sniffing.

He raised an eyebrow and his lip arched in a smug smirk. God, the way she hated the way he smirked. She hated it mostly because of how much she wanted to kiss it.

"You've had enough of it already, Griffin?" Bellamy exclaimed.

Clarke grinned and pushed him to the little blue couch against the wall. "Not even close to it, Bellamy."

His smirk grew wider but when she made him sit down he took his shirt off. "Let me just take this off real quick, will ya?" he asked sarcastically.

She observed him throwing his shirt away and from the way he tilted his chin at her cleavage she knew what he wanted.

"I just think it's not fair I'm shirtless and you're not, you know?" he blurted out to her.

"Well," Clarke began, already working on her flannel. "I can't even say you're wrong about that." she held in a firm grip her lip between her teeth and shrugged her flannel off her.

It was quick, but she didn't miss the way Bellamy swallowed.

She dropped to her knees and something flashed in his eyes.

"Oh." that's all he let out.

But soon his lips arched again and she could not avoid the lust in his eyes not even if she tried.

Not that she wanted to.

That was addicting, knowing it was all for her.

"Remember how we spent evenings like this? How it used to be?" she asked him, working on his belt.

"Are we getting into the memories train right now?"

She snorted. "Not a chance, no." she quickly removed his belt with a hot, sudden move and didn't lose time to open his jeans button and zipper. "You just need to relax now."

Bellamy didn't let her ask him twice, and with that he threw his head back against the wall. Clarke leaned forward and kissed a spot close to his V-line. He licked his lips and positioned himself better on the couch.

"You made me moan with your fingers lots of times these last days..."

He smirked. "I'm sure you asked for that."

Clarke half nodded, he wasn't wrong.

"Time for me to do the same with my mouth again..." she whispered right against his skin.

Clarke licked her left hand while keeping her eyes stuck in his, and then she saw him biting his lip when she pulled his briefs down.

She wrapped her wet hand around his length.

Giving him slow — painfully slow — strokes, she kept looking at him, not breaking the sinful eye contact.

Clarke matched a firm pace, maintaining it, and she could see the way his eyes flattered every time she ran her thumb over the tip of hisdick's head.

Bellamy swallowed down after a few minutes, and Clarke couldn't help but smirk.

"You're torturing me" he said with hoarse voice.

But he said it with a grin, while he lifted his hands and started pulling her open hair in a messy ponytail, so that he'd be able to hold it in his right fist.

"Do you want my mouth?"

He bit his bottom lip and pulled her ponytail back, making her tilt her chin up to him.

The feeling was so hot for Clarke.

Letting him think he had control.

That had always turned her on.

"I want your mouth, yes." he commanded.

Even with his deep voice, Clarke didn't miss the slight trace of need in it. But she didn't mind it, actually, that only gave her the go.

As she closed her lips around his sensitive dick, she started sucking him hungrily, and she never broke the eye contact with his dark eyes.

They were full of lust and something else Clarke couldn't quite decipher, but that only turned her on even more.

"Fuck" he breathed out, throwing his head against the couch and closing his eyes.

She kept bopping her head back and forth, allowing herself to taste him on her tongue. Circling it around, heatedly swirling it on his dick while her cheeks' muscles took care of sucking it with an intensity it made Clarke moan around it, she kept jerking him off, moving her wet hand up and down, up and down around his hard cock.

Bellamy was great with his fingers and his mouth. There wasn't a time where he had let her down, and the memory of him using his fingers in the most delicious way nights before came back to her, next to the sensation of the orgasm washing through every nerve of her body.

So she only wanted to give him the same.

The same experience.

The same feeling.

And she wanted to do it using her mouth for him. Kneeling down for him.

Bellamy's breath itched when Clarke fastened the pace of her mouth around him, dipping her tongue into the slit of his head when she pulled her head back, and swirling it around him every time her swollen lips took his dick inside of her mouth.

"My god, yeah—" he groaned lowly.

She pulled her head back.

"Shit," she almost moaned, "I missed this"

"Mh..." Bellamy cupped her jaw in his hand and looked down at her, his lips parted in absolute pleasure. "I love your mouth. It's so good around me" he hissed. "Don't fucking stop"

Clarke only smirked. Starting from the bottom of his length, she licked her way to his head, giving his sensitive head hard and fast passes with her tongue.

When she wrapped her already swollen lips around him again, he escaped a low, guttural growl. She knew that was what he wanted, but she didn't want to only tease him anymore. She wanted him to feel good.

So the more she sucked, the more his breath grew faster and heavier. The more his chest moved up and down. And the more his hand pulled on her ponytail, holding it still in his fist to manovrate her movements.

"Fuck, yes—" he stuttered, now helping her move her head, synchronizing the movements of her head with the ones of his hand. "Yes—"

Clarke adjusted her position on her knees, and got closer to his body. Something about being kneeled down for him, his hand around her hair, accurately maneuvering her head so that he could feel her mouth on him in the best way possible, just felt so good for her. She'd fool herself terribly if she said she didn't miss this.

Just when she closed her eyes, she started getting more inches of his now throbbing dick inside of her. And just like that, she started deep-throating him.

A loud groan of pleasure escaped Bellamy's lips when his dick bumped into the back of her throat. Her nose touched the skin of his abdomen and even though she choked around him a couple of times, she knew she could take him. She furrowed her eyebrows together, letting herself breath through her nose.

"Yes—" he hissed, "Fuck, just like that—"

His groans got louder as he finally let Clarke head go.

But she did not stop. She kept sucking him, sucking him so hard that he now started occasionally bucking his hips up against her throat.

But she did not mind, so instead, she matched a firm rhythm that would include those movements.

She opened her eyes and gave herself time to stare at him.

"Oh my god-"

He swallowed down the rest of the sentence, groaning.

The vision she had was delicious. Him half sitting half laying like that, with his parted legs and his head thrown back against the wall, with his lips half parted, his tongue occasionally licking those full lips of his and his eyes closed the whole time.

"Jesus—" he growled, and then again, "Fuck, I'm gonna come—" he warned her.

He lost his steady rhythm pretty soon after that, and as soon as Clarke deep throated him again, her tongue swirling at the sides of his cock, his hips bucked up and he let out a deep growl as he cummed.

She didn't pull away. Instead, she swallowed down, leaving him time to come off his high and for the pleasure to wash through him just like she'd hoped to cause him.

After a few seconds, he let out a breathy laughter.

She had pulled away and tried to clean her mouth as much as she could, but she took time to lick his dick clean after that, too.

"God," he began, finally opening his eyes and motioning her to straddle him. "Come here. Come here, c'mon"

She didn't let him ask her twice.

She loved being on top, especially with Bellamy. She loved being able to look down at him, taking her time to catch the hundreds ways his eyes flattered shut when she rode him or the way his lips opened in pleasure.

After taking a condom out of Bellamy's wallet, she handed it to him and he rolled it on his dick as fast as he could, thing that surely attracted Clarke's attention.

"Are you going to ride me?"

"Yes," she admitted, straddling him again and wrapping her left hand around his length, giving him a few strokes before positioning it against her entrance, "I missed doing it."

"Oh, trust me, I missed it too." he grinned.

Bellamy placed his hands on her hips and grabbed them, looking down at the way she rubbed herself against his head.

Clarke let herself slide down on his length, and the familiar feeling got her throwing her head back and closing her eyes.

They both exhaled when she started moving back and forth, letting herself get used to the feeling of him inside of her. "Shit, you feel so good." he let out.

He tightened the grip of his fingers in her hips' skin and helped her in her movements, and Clarke moaned in agreement.

She heatedly rocked her hips against his, making both of their breath itch.

A muttered "Fuck," escaped her lips. He always felt so good inside of her.

She'd always loved feeling her walls stretch out because of him.

He slid his hands on her ass and grabbed it, encouraging her to go faster, and so she did.

She matched a fast and firm rhythm she used to move her hips, but then, she started jumping on his dick, letting him bottom her out.

"Yes, fuck me," Bellamy groaned, not taking his eyes off her hot body.

"God, yes" she coaxed, grabbing his shoulders for leverage.

"Yes?" Bellamy breathed, moving his gaze to her face. It wasn't an actual question but Clarke nodded frantically in agreement, as if her moans weren't enough.

She kept riding him like that, his hands on her ass giving her the right push to do it, and the angle she was straddling him with allowed his cock to rub spots inside of her that made her moan in ecstasy.

Every thrust of hers made delicious pleasure noises get out of her mouth. When Bellamy mouthed at her breast, she threw her head back.

"My god," she moaned. And then again, whining quietly but breathily, "Please- please, fuck me-"

Bellamy growled in agreement and started bucking his hips up, thrusting against her core fast.

"Shit, yes," he rasped incoherently, feeling the way she clenched around him already. "That's so good."

A particular loud moan escaped Clarke's throat when he pushed her down against him, making her meet his hips in a needy way.

Then, Bellamy took her nipple between his thumb and index finger, and started rubbing it. That made her hips snap forward.

He grunted heavily. And she moaned right back.

"Yes, oh God, yes," she let out.

And there was just so much she can do at this point. It felt just so good that she could feel something stir in her lower belly, the pleasure building up more and more.

Bellamy's thrusts became irregular, and even Clarke's hips lost the steady rhythm of the beginning. They both started quivering relentlessly, and he kept rubbing her clit even it was practically throbbing now.

She cried out when Bellamy's hips snapped upward again, groaning until she clenched around him and the sweet release washed through her. And she felt sparks that left from her core and splayed all over her body's nerves, making her arch her back from how intense she came.

Bellamy joined her a few seconds later and thrusted inside her one more time, hard, releasing his semen inside of the condom.

Clarke stayed still while desperately breathing the air inside her lungs.

He leaned over and kisses her chest sloppily, exhaling heavily after he got back to reality.

Bellamy stroked her back with his palm and finally leaned back against the couch, looking at her.

Clarke swallowed and looked down at him, too, sweeping her eyes over his face before noticing that they had been staying there, her on him, breathing each other's thick air after coming for at least minutes.

"Alright" she suddenly let out, slowly lifting herself up and letting his length slip out of her.

He ran his hand through his hair and watched her get off the couch, leaning his elbows on his knees.

They could still hear each other's heavy breathings in the silence of his office.

"So I guess I'll see you this week" he said, not making a move to get up.

She nodded, more for herself than for him. When she turned to face him, she was already half dressed, while he was still sitting there, completely naked and with his condom still on.

"You could get sleepy after sex," he said, breathing in the silence and finally standing up, "And you need to drive. Do you want a coffee?"

Clarke would've wanted to just go away and step in a warm shower, but she knew he was right and it was dangerous to drive after thousands of endorphins had been released from her brain.

"Sure, thank you."

"Of course." he said.

And he walked out of the office after throwing the condom away and getting dressed again.

When he came back, she was sitting on his desk, sweeping her eyes over the walls

The door got opened and Bellamy walked inside with two coffees in his hands

"Tell me something," she exclaimed, looking at him right away, "Why didn't we fuck on this desk?"

He smirked. "Because you started being bossy and threw me on the couch to suck me, Clarke.”

He got a point, but she felt something stir in her lower gut at his words.

He handed her the coffee, and said

"It's with milk, like you like."

Clarke raised an eyebrow. Her cheeks felt like they were going to flame at the familiarity of that memory.

She didn't think he still remembered those tiny details of her like how she likes her coffee.

"Thank you." she said, bringing the cup to her lips.

She drank a few sips before taking her bag and heading to the door. She turned to him while opening the door.

"Thanks again for the coffee. And, uhm... goodnight." she said.

He nodded at her.

"Goodnight."

"And, Clarke...” he then added, making Clarke turn her head over her shoulder to glance at him.

"We still got time to use the desk, too. Don't we?"

She blinked.

Hell yes, they did.

"Yes, Bellamy," she raised her cup to his direction, "we absolutely do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really would love to know your opinions about this chapter, so hit me with them!


	4. We play hard with our plastic guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Rock Bottom by Hailee Steinfeld

"So usual place usual time?"

"Sure, yeah" Clarke said, wearing her shoes and holding the phone between her shoulder and her ear.

"See you there, then."

And then Harper ended the call.

She'd asked Clarke to hung out that following morning, and so she woke up earlier than she usually would when she didn't have classes nor work, and decided to take a long relaxing shower before getting out of her apartment and drive to the place she agreed to meet Harper at.

It was a very cute cafè where they all used to have brunch sometimes, located in the centre of the city.

It was close to the major road that was filled with shops.

They spent the morning eating and talking, drinking a cup of tea or coffee and exchanging laughs after a long time apart.

"I just know you brought me here to go shopping." Clarke said while taking a spoon of sugar.

"You can't prove it." Harper murmured with a smug smile on her lips.

Clarke rolled her eyes. "I don't need new clothes. And, honesly, I don't need new accessories either. I already bought everything I needed, which is art supplies."

"You can't wear a canvas tonight."

"Tonight?" Clarke frowned, "What happens tonight?"

"Oh, wait, Monty didn't tell you?

"Tell me what?" Clarke grew nervous.

"Becca's has 2x1 beers tonigh," she grinned.

"Oh, well. Are you guys planning on going?"

"You are coming too, Clarke, and I won't accept a no as an answer."

Clarke found herself sighing. It was all over the same situation.

Her friends asking her to join their nights, her finding an excuse after finding out Bellamy and Octavia were about to join.

Because Clarke didn't answer, the friend scooted closer. "Octavia's not there, okay? She has some sort of date or whatever."

Clarke blinked. Was that supposed to covince her to come?

"What about Bellamy?" she cautiously asked.

She didn't know how to feel about Bellamy potentially joining them.

A part of her knew that they weren't in the same situation they had been for months until a few weeks ago. But even given their deal, not much had changed between them. Not much had changed apart from the fact that they saw each other naked more than twice a week.

They still were not in good terms, Clarke didn't even know if they would ever be. They still didn't exchange many words, nor ask each other how their day went after sex. She was sure that the longest conversation they had had in the last weeks was the one at his restaurant when they had got a little bit too involved in memories now far. And on top of that, apart from the times he texted her to meet and release the tension in their own way, he hadn't shown any interest in wanting to be around her while their clothes were still on.

"Probably, yeah. But you can ignore him, just like you two have been doing for the past year. C'mon, Clarke... come."

While ignoring him before was the easiest thing to do — and the most convenient one, too — she didn't know if things were still like this.

Not when the memory of how his hands felt on her body was vivid again.

"Alright," she sighed, giving her friend a convincing smile. "I'll think about it."

* * *

And she went.

"Are you sure you have it?"

"I don't know," Clarke told Raven, handing her the purse. "Look yourself. I think you put it in there before getting in the car."

Clarke walked further into the pub while looking around for their table.

"Oh, yes. It's here. That's great." Raven said, taking the lipstick and smiling at Clarke. "I'm going to the restroom. Be back in two."

"Alright, c'mon, the others are there." Emori said, making her way to a small round table that Clarke hadn't seen before.

It was still large enough for everyone to fit.

Everyone was there apart from Raven and Octavia.

"Ah, finally!" Miller grinned glancing at the girls. "Can we order the beers now?"

"Where's Raven?" Jasper asked.

"In the restrooms," Clarke answered, pushing a chair back before sitting on it.

She noticed immediately how Bellamy was wearing a cream flannel. It wasn't his type of thing, but weather was still warm and she figured they all would've dressed elegant fro some reason. She tried to look anywhere but at him. She placed her purse on the table and felt the ghost of a polite smile making it's space on her lips, sweeping her eyes over her friends.

Some of them glanced between one another, but Jasper gave her a genuine smile.

"How are you?"

"I'm good," she answered. "how are you?"

"I'm hungry, we should take some snack." he nodded, then glanced between the others.

"What do you guys think?"

"Yeah, sure." Murphy said, rising from his chair. "Are you coming with me Blake?" he asked, tapping on Bellamy's shoulder.

When Clarke glanced to the boys, she saw Bellamy already peeking at her.

It was brief.

A very short moment before he turned to look away again and rose to his feet, walking with Murphy to the counter.

She tried not to think about it.

She had thought the whole day about a good excuse as to why she could've bailed them, but not a believable one came up to her mind and the reason was probably that she did not want to, after all.

She wanted to spend time with her friends, because she loved them.

And even when she used to bid them to avoid Bellamy, she always wanted to see them.

It had always been like this, she had always made sacrifices for the sake of the group.

But being there, tonight, with Bellamy, after the recent turns of their relationship, that was way different.

It was unexplored territory and she wasn't sure she had the good sense to handle whatever the outcome would have been.

The boys came with snacks and just a few minutes later, Miller rose from his seat and then came back with a tablet full of beers for everyone.

They ate and drank, and, for a while, Clarke actually felt the tension release from her shoulders. She joined a few conversations and even laughed when Raven cracked a joke about how Murphy had acted like a baby while he was sick.

The music was good, the atmosphere too, and her friends' voices and laughs warmed her heart. She listened to Jasper telling the others about this very pretty and kind girl he'd met the day before at work, and she'd happily answered Raven and Harper when they had wanted to know more about the competition. Miller told them about how his distance relationship with Bryan was going now that he was away for work, and she even cheered for Jasper when he challenged Monty on who would've drunk his beer first.

It was calm and familiar, and for a good hour and a half, deep in their conversations and laughter, Clarke felt like those months of drama never happened.

"So, what are you going to do with the money you won?" Harper asked her.

"I still don't know, actually. I mean, it's not a lot, but it's still enough, you know?" she shook her head, "I'm not making any sense right now, but... I want to do something with it. Something meaningful. I don't want to just take it and spend it for... basic things I want. I think I'm going to save it until I know what to do." she shrugged, and picked up her beer.

"How about invest them?" Murphy raised an eyebrow at her.

"And in what, even?"

Murphy opened his mouth but before he could talk, Monty spoke.

"You could give them in beneficence."

"You're too good, Green" Murphy smirked.

"How about you use it for art supplies?" Harper suggested from the other end of the table.

"She already has. But it's a lot of money, Harp." Raven said. "She could almost buy all Roan's shop with it."

And then her friends started talking one after the other one, suggesting what she could do with it or how they personally would use it.

"Raven would use it to get an astronaut suit." Bellamy blurted out, thinking.

Raven just narrowed her eyes at him. "Careful, Blake, and don't use that sarcastic tone with me. It's useful. It could be. One day." she added, smirking.

"I'd probably just use it for the restaurant I'll work at." Murphy countered while opening his next beer.

"C'mon, Murphy, we all know you'd use it to buy some potentially fatal game. Like a- flame thrower" Emori said, gesturing around.

"God, I've always wanted one of those." Murphy mumbled.

Everyone laughed and, once again, Clarke turned to look at Bellamy. She saw him laughing, genuinely.

She didn't know how long it had been since she'd seen that smile on his lips.

But then, again, whose fault was that?

During the rest of the night, every once and then, she'd turn her face to Bellamy, just to find him already looking at her, which made it impossible for her to keep looking.

She'd ignored it a few times until she couldn't anymore, so at the fourth time it'd happened, she'd had enough.

"I'm going to the restroom" she exclaimed in the middle of whatever Harper was telling Jasper about, grabbing her purse and pushing her chair back in a more roughly way she had wanted to.

She rose to her feet while keeping her eyes on Bellamy, who seemed like he hadn't taken his eyes off her either the whole night.

She felt her cheeks going to flame when she noticed he adam apple bopping at her running her hand through her hair.

She turned around, secure of not having to do more.

A few minutes after she'd sat on the counter of the women's restroom's sinks, she heard the door opening. She turned to glance at him and all she saw was a very serious expression on his face.

"I was starting to think I hadn't been too clear."

she said, throwing her left leg over her right one.

He only smirked.

It occurred to her that he in fact hadn't spoken a word to her the whole night. Only glances. Deep, long looks and even wondered how he had afforded without the others noticing it.

His lips met hers before she could think further.

His kisses were messy, and warm, but she returned them in the same way.

It didn't last long before he slid his tongue into her mouth, grabbing her hips and pushing her closer to the edge of the counter.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer and ready to shrug the flannel off him after unbuttoning it.

But just as she tried to, he pulled away.

Lust was consuming his eyes and that made Clarke bite her bottom lip.

"Get down." he said.

That was the first thing he had told to her since they had been at the pub, but the way his voice sounded, deep, frantic, and a little bit possessive, too, didn't make her mind it too much.

She did as he said.

Placing his hands on her sides, he turned her around, making her bend forward until her cheek touched the cold marble of the furniture.

She tried not to moan there, and only let out an ecstatic breath when he pushed her dress up, sitting it on her hips.

"You've been looking at me the whole night." he rasped.

"Aha," she countered, trying to lift her head but his hand made her stay still. That turned her on more than she already was. "You're the one who's been throwing hot glances at me."

He worked on his belt, letting it loose just some seconds later and then proceeding to push his jeans down in one rough, fast move. "By the way your cheeks turned red, I take it you didn't mind it."

She bit her bottom lip, not because she didn't want to answer to him, but because the feeling of his dick soon to be inside of her distracted her from forming rational thoughts in that moment.

But, when a few seconds passed and she didn't feel the familiar way her walls spread when he entered her, she frowned. "Bellamy?"

"Change of plans," he said, and she didn't see him but she could hear his grin. "I want to eat you. Now."

She swallowed, sure that he almost groaned that _now_.

Bellamy dropped on his knees, pushing the thin string of her underwear to the side, sitting it on her ass and freeing her cunt from it.

He licked his lips lusciously, giving himself time to admire her first.

He wanted to tease her first.

Bellamy leaned just head down, placing a first, wet, openmouthed kiss on her left thigh.

She could already feel the way the built up tension grew more and more in her lower belly, every kiss Bellamy dedicated her more.

That he wanted to tease her, that she had understood it. But when he placed a kiss in a particular spot right next to her core, Clarke buck her hips back, desperately trying to finally meet his lips.

He grinned, pushing her more against the counter. She splayed an hand across the structure, letting out an impatient breath that resembled too much to his name.

"Not yet, Clarke." he warmly began, ghosting over her skin with is lips. "Remember how I used to tease you?" he asked.

She could feel his heavy breath against every part of her, expect the one she wanted it the most. Except the one she craved it the most.

"Please," she breathed, licking her lips. "I need your- your mouth. Please, Bellamy." and that came out as needy as fuck.

He didn't let her time to complain more, as he grabbed her ass with both of his strong hands and kneaded it hard, crushing his mouth on her cunt and starting with messy swipes on her swollen folds.

Clarke moaned, lifting herself up on her left hand and arching her back in need.

He flicked his tongue up and down her slit, playing with her excessive wetness. A little bit too smug about the fact that it was all because of him. All for him.

When Clarke bucked her hips backwards, right against his face, he parted her wet lips with his fingers and circled her clit with his tongue, lapping at it and occasionally nibbling it with his teeth.

Her moans became consistent, and she tilted her head up to find a messy and needy version of herself in the mirror. Her eyes flattered when he slid his tongue inside of her, fucking her with it just like he knew she's always loved.

If felt good, so fucking good that her legs started to shake earlier than she'd had thought.

"Fuck—" she coaxed, "Yes- fuck me"

He pulled away, and his chin was glittering with her arousal. He didn't care — didn't mind — and since he had asked so breathlessly he gave it to her.

He first slid one, then two fingers between her folds, and started running them up and down, spreading her wetness all over her before sliding his index inside her entrance.

"Fuck—" Clarke let out, biting on her bottom lip.

Bellamy stood on his feet and wrapped his free left arm around her, lifting her up to make her look at herself in the mirror. She was a mess, so needy for his fingers that that only made him want to each a sole goal: making he'd come, hard. And so he slid another finger inside of her and then started fucking her with them, pulling them back just to push them back in un a quite fast pace for now.

"Look at yourself in the mirror," he commanded, holding her body with his arm and looking at their reflection. "The door isn't locked, Clarke. Everyone could walk inside."

"Shit, you're right," she moaned, too caught up in her pleasure to think about it now. "I don't care— please don't- don't stop, Bellamy—"

He grinned and fastened the pace of his fingers, which made her let out a whimper.

"I wasn't thinking about doing it, but thanks for the advice."

He worked her up just fine with his fingers, and Clarke stayed there, still, with her hands on the counter to hold herself up because even with his arm around her she couldn't quite stand anymore.

"Bellamy—" she moaned, feeling close to her orgasm.

And he kept using his finger until she started clenching around him.

"Oh, yes" he grinned, murmuring it against her ear. "I want you to come in my face, not around my fingers. Can you do that? Can I make that happen?"

Clarke knew damn well Bellamy was aware that he didn't need to ask her that.

He could've asked her to come on his face, around his fingers, around his cock or even just on the floor, and she would've let him. She would've let him make her come again, and again, and again, screaming his name like it was the first time.

She gave him a weak nod, completely breathless by the tension built up until that point, and then Bellamy pulled away. She turned around and he didn't give her time to do it herself, he just wrapped his arms around her and made her sit on the counter.

"Great." he smirked, kneeling down. "I'm going to make you come, don't worry."

He ducked his head between her legs and grabbed them tightly, pushing her closer to the edge.

She looked down at him, biting on her bottom lip. But she couldn't wait. She grabbed his curls and pushed his face against her core. "Eat me." she breathed out.

And she would've expect him to use her need as a teasing, instead he didn't. She just heard him briefly chuckle before licking her cunt, bottom to top. And then, he started fully making out with it.

"Oh—" she moaned, arching her back from the counter, "Oh yes, my God,"

He licked it, and sucked on her swollen lips, giving all himself to make her come. Spreading her wetness with his tongue and lips, he made sure to touch those particular spots in her core that made her whimper and scream out in ecstasy.

She moaned, and moved underneath him like an electric wave had her whole body moving, on the edge of something. With the something being her orgasm that got closer with every swipe Bellamy dedicated her.

She needed to come so bad, she wanted to, and she was sure they shared the same desire in that moment.

He slid his tongue inside her cunt a second time, but this time, he started fucking her with it relentlessly, and she couldn't stop quivering underneath him.

She pulled on his curls more and more, moaning so loud she was asking how no one outside, despite the music, had heard them already.

When Bellamy lifted his hand to splay it across her stomach and grab her boob, she grabbed his hand, and made him squeeze it.

That sent a particular spark of pleasure from her core to her whole body that made her cry out.

And as soon as he placed his thumb on her clit and rubbed it furiously, matching that tempo to the one he was using to make out with her cunt, she had it enough.

She came, hard, all over his face right like he wanted her to.

Bellamy let out a quiet growl into her, turned on from the way she moaned because of him.

She laid down there, breathless, for a few seconds before Bellamy finally decided to pull away.

He grinned down at her, and he found him licking his lips when she finally opened her eyes.

She sighed heavily, slowly sitting up. But didn't get on her feet not yet, sure that her legs were still shaking and trembling from the orgasm.

"You good?" he asked, raising an eyebrow and stepping to the side to the sink next to them.

He started washing his hands. Like nothing had happened. Proud of reaching his goal.

"Yeah, fuck," she nodded, swallowing, "Come here. I want to fuck you."

He smirked at her and dried his hands.

"The others are probably already suspicious. Let's not give them the opportunity to find us just yet."

Clarke narrowed her eyes at him, but knew he was right.

"But I want you to fuck me. Or at least I want you to come, too."

He threw the tissues away and wore his jeans correctly again. "It's okay, I really wanted to eat you tonight anyway," he said, half smiling at her. "Call me tomorrow or in these days, I'm sure you'll return the favor."

He walked to the door and tilted his chin at her. "When you'll stop quivering," he said, grinning at her like an idiot, "wait a few minutes to come. So it won't be obvious."

And then he smirked at her. And left.

* * *

The bright side of having Emori as her roommate, was the pleasing aroma she sometimes made her other two roommates wake up to. Clarke wasn't sure why she didn't always cook, but only in specific occasions she knew nothing about.

Still, she wouldn't have complained.

Clarke stumbled out of her room and towards the kitchen only wearing an oversized old shirt.

"I forgot how much I missed you." she said, making her way to Emori who looked pretty focused on the pancakes. "They smell amazingly."

"Thanks," the friend smirked, handing her a plate with two pancakes, some whipped cream and some cut fruit next to it, "I tried my best."

"To what do I owe this treatment today?" Clarke questioned, raising an eyebrow but voluntarily accepting the plate.

"Don't know," she shrugged, smiling and waving Raven with the spatula when she walked inside, too "I felt inspired."

"Holy shit, she's cooking!" Raven blurted our, her sleepy expression suddenly shifting to an impressed one.

Clarke frowned, but didn't miss the redness that grew in Emori's cheeks.

"What? What did I miss?"

"She's cooking, Clarke!" Raven said, and this time a smug smirk made it's way in her face. She walked over to Emori and started teasing her hips.

The friend laughed and jokingly pushed her away. "Piss off."

"Oh no, no no no. That's huge. Fuck, finally."

"Is someone going to tell me what's happening?" Clarke asked, cutting her pancake in half and taking a first bite.

"Why don't you tell her?" Raven teased, nudging Emori's hip with her elbow.

"Jesus, stop!"

Raven only smirked and took her plate, but

Clarke didn't miss the exchange of glances the two of them shared.

As she reached for the bottle of juice, she swept her eyes over the two of them.

"So? Is one of you two going to tell me what's going on? What'd I miss?"

Raven smirked more, while Emori stayed silent, eating her breakfast.

"You see," Raven started, taking a strawberry in her hand and gesturing around. "Emori only cooks in two occasions. When she's really nervous about an exam, or when she's had really... really good sex. And since her last exam of the semester was three days ago, and yesterday night her and Luna had a date...." Raven stopped talking, and instead she just shrugged her shoulders and gave Clarke a grin, pushing the fruit inside of her mouth.

"Oh my god!" Clarke exclaimed, looking at Emori, "Aren't you going to tell us anything?"

"Shut up" Emori blurted out.

"You know I could just ask Luna, right?" Raven asked.

"I'd prefer you wouldn't. All you need to know is that I was really nervous but it went good for it being our first time together and that she's really... good."

"You're telling me? I've had sex with her. I know all about her skills." Raven countered while sipping on her coffee.

But before she could, Emori punched her arm and so she started coughing heavily.

"Oh my god" Clarke laughed, handing Raven some tissues, "were you trying to kill her or what?"

Emori smirked, and only when Raven finally stopped coughing she decided to talk.

"All you need to know is that she's good. And I like her. I want to take thing slow, though. I don't want to run."

"That's fair" Clarke began, smiling genuinely at her, "I hope things will work out between you two."

"Me too."

Emori finally smiled, even if not a lot. "Thank you, girls." And they knew it was genuine.

"Fuck," Clarke muttered with full mouth, "This is fucking good."

"Of course it is. She learnt from the best." Raven said a little bit too proudly.

"And the best being..."

"Murphy!" she laughed.

Emori gave her a look, a wide smirk making its way to her face now in return, but she didn't say a word.

Raven rolled her eyes. Clarke didn't miss that, but even though she stayed quiet, her roommate talked.

"Em," Raven nodded, "Clarke knows. You can talk.

"God, and you tell me just now? You've no idea how many jokes and teasing I've been keeping inside of me because of Clarke being there."

Despite Raven's annoyed look, Clarke chuckled a bit.

"It's okay," she said, "I've done the same because I didn't know if I was supposed to know. Glad we can joke about it from now on."

"In your dreams." Raven blurted out. She made her way to the table and sat in front of Clarke, then started eating her breakfast. Not long later, Emori joined them, and both her and Clarke started staring at her so intensely that, suddenly, Raven lifted her gaze from her scrambled eggs and sighed heavily.

"Fine! Fine, say it! Whatever it is, god. I don't even care at this point."

"Okay, okay, it's nothing bad. But... you said you're going to live together. And that's huge."

"It's not" Raven countered but Clarke talked again.

"Yes it is. It wouldn't be for two people who are just friends. But you aren't."

"She's right, Rae. What are you going to do when he walks out of the shower and gets out of the bathroom in just his towel?" Emori said, raising an eye for at her.

"Or when you two are going to just watch a move on Sat night and you're both sitting on the couch, too close to each other?"

Clarke added while biting her pancake.

"Or, tell me this, imagine he brings someone home, how are you going to react if-“

"Fine! Fucking hell, fine, you're right. But it's already decided! What can I do? What do you want me to do now?" Raven suddenly blurted out, evidently frustrated. The three are in silence for a few minutes before Raven sighed.

"I really hope this is going to turn a positive turn for you, Rae. We both care about you and we just don't want you to suffer, you know that, right?"

Despite being annoyed by their questions, Raven appreciated her friends' concern. After all, they were her concerns, too. They were fair concerns.

"Can you just promise us something?" Clarke asked.

"Sure."

"That you're not going to lie to yourself. Ever. Promise us you're going to be genuine and authentic about your feelings."

Raven smiled softly, sweeping her eyes between both of her roommates before giving them a nod.

"I will."

After breakfast, they all brought the plates to the sink and Raven offered to wash them since Emori had cooked.

Clarke cleaned the counter and the table, then went to her room to grab her laptop and sat back on one of the kitchen's chairs, listening to her roommates talking about something related to their last physics assignment.

She had been back for just a few weeks, but she already needed to start her classes yet again. And because she had spent the last days doing literally anything but studying or checking her new courses — which involved sleeping, stress eating, buying new furniture for her room and deciding to paint it just to give up in the middle and leave it half painted somewhere along the way, and, of course, sneaked out to meet Bellamy — she decided that was a good moment to start doing so or, at least, check her emails.

What she didn't expect to see, however, was Well's name.

"Girls"

Her roommates were giggling and taking one over the other one, trying to discuss about a particular question of the test.

"Girls!" Clarke blurted, keeping her eyes on her screen.

Raven spun her head to Clarke and threw the rag back on the counter. "What's up?"

"Wells" Clarke began, "He just sent me an email. Well, not now actually, something like... uh" she paused, "a week ago"

"And you're just seeing it now?" Emori raised an eyebrow at her.

"I haven't checked my emails lately."

"Well, what does he say?" Raven asked while jumping on the counter.

Clarke cleared her throat and started reading.

 _‘Dear_ _Clarke,_

_I hope you remember me. Wells Jaha, we have been competitors for four months in Boston!_

_I'm writing you here because I honestly can't believe I haven't asked you your number last time we talked. But I still had your email since we exchanged ours for the competition's projects, and so I decided to use it._

_I hope you're alright! I would love to know how you're doing back home and_ _if you decided how you want to use your money yet._

_In addiction, I'm writing you to tell you I'll be in the states in a week. I'm landing on Saturday, and will probably leave after two weeks, for a few things I need to get done, and to visit a cousin of mine who lives on the west coast. I was thinking, since I do recall you live in Los Angeles, that, if you want of course, we could meet!_

_Waiting for a reply from you, I wish you the best_

_Yours truly, Wells Jaha.’_

"Yours truly, Wells Jaha" Emori mocked and her and Raven started giggling around.

Clarke rolled her eyes but she felt the corners of her lips lifting a bit.

"Stop it"

"Are you going to say yes?" Raven asked.

"Aha, he's got the hots for you, girl" Emori added.

"Stop it, oh my god" Clarke laughed. She'd never thought of Wells in that way ever since she met him, and she wasn't sure why her friends were now, but she knew them and that was just their usual reaction to any man or woman who got pretty close to her.

"I'm just going to say yes, it'd be nice to meet him again."

"Wait a second," Raven countered, raising an eyebrow, "He said in a week he'd be here. But you just now saw the email, which means... he arrived yesterday"

"You're right" Clarke nodded. "I'll just ask him for his number so we can agree on a day," then pointed at the two of them and, with eyes narrowed, she blurted out "And don't you dare making jokes about it. I already told you how I feel about him."

Wells ended up writing her back with his number, and she texted him that night, asking him what day he would be okay for a brunch, maybe.

She was indeed excited to see him again.

* * *

The morning later, she woke up with a thousands messages from the group chat she shared with the others.

She mumbled something that resembled to a _fuck you_ and damned herself for not muting or turning her phone off the previous night.

She unlocked her phone and sat up, sighing heavily and rubbing her eyes with the intention to fix her blurry sight.

Once she felt like she could bare the screen of her phone, she went to the group chat, scrolling up until the messages started from the beginning.

_**John Murphy** _

_**8:03 am** _

_big newsssssss!_

_**Nathan Miller** _

_**8:05 am** _

_you couldn't wait anymore, could you?_

**_Octavia Blake_ **

**_8:06 am_ **

_it’s literally nine, don't any of y'all sleep_

**_Raven Reyes_ **

**_8:08 am_ **

_oh great, Murphy, is that why you closed our facetime?_

_whats up_

**_John Murphy_ **

**_8:08 am_ **

_yes rae, but i promise it’s worth it and you can call me right after_

**_Bellamy Blake_ **

**_8:10 am_ **

_Dont you guys like.... sleep?_

**_John Murphy_ **

**_8:13 am_ **

_no, Blake, but hear me out guys_

**_Nathan Miller_ **

**_8:14 am_ **

_i’m gonna stay quiet because Murphy is for some reason very excited to talk about this_

**_John Murphy_ **

**_8:15 am_ **

_thank you Miller_

_so_

_basically_

_miller’s dad is gonna give him the keys of their villa this weekend_

_the one with the pool!!!_

_pool party this Friday and Sat guys!_

_can I get a whohoo for David Miller?_

**_Octavia Blake_ **

**_8:15 am_ **

_wait that's cool_

_**Raven Reyes** _

_**8:16 am** _

_fucking yes!_

**_Bellamy Blake_ **

**_8:17 am_ **

_I don't know if I manage with work_

**_Nathan Miller_ **

**_8:17 am_ **

_I don't care, Blake, you're coming_

_everyone is invited_

**Octavia Blake**

**8:19 am**

can I bring someone?

**_Raven Reyes_ **

**_8:19 am_ **

👀

**_Nathan Miller_ **

**_8:20 am_ **

_sure, yeah_

_I'll send the details later_

_can you all give me confirmation asap?_

_**Clarke Griffin** _

_**8:21 am** _

_good morning_

_are we sleeping there?_

**_John Murphy_ **

**_8:21 am_ **

_hell yeah Griffin_

**_Octavia Blake_ **

**_8:22 am_ **

_are there even so many roo_ _ms?_

**_Nathan Miller_ **

**_8:24 am_ **

_no, there are just three rooms mine included, but there are two couches, some mattresses we can just put on the floor and also a hammock outside_

_we can settle for all of it_

**_Bellamy Blake_ **

**_8:25 am_ **

_last time you said this I got the hammock_

**_John Murphy_ **

**_8:26 am_ **

_you were too drunk to sleep on it, it was hilarious_

**_Bellamy Blake_ **

**_8:28 am_ **

_shut up Murphy_

_I'm going back to sleep_

Clarke wasn't really in the right headspace to go through every single one of the messages and gather all the informations in.

So, she locked her phone and left the decision for later in the day.

She cuddled herself in her blankets, hoping to regain sleep soon. She fell in a dreamless sleep just a few minutes later.

Later that day, after she woke up, she took a shower and ate a toast Emori had left for her and Raven before going to classes.

Seeing Raven walking inside the kitchen, she gave her a light smile and lifted her cup of tea as a greeting.

"Morning" her roommate mumbled, making her way to the fridge.

She learnt that she had been talking to Murphy and Miller through facetime, and almost everyone had already told them they would've come.

"Until now," Raven began, "the only ones who still haven't confirmed are you and Harper. But Harper's still probably sleeping, since she hasn't answered any of our calls. You're coming though, right?"

"I mean, I guess so, I don't know"

"Please don't tell me it's because of the Blakes again. They have no problem in coming even knowing you could be there. Suck it up and just go"

Clarke sighed.

Raven had a point.

"I guess you're right" she said. "Anyhow. I gotta go get dressed. Today's my first day back at the gallery."

"Oh, you're right," Raven smiled, "I'm glad you found this job and that they accepted to wait for you to come back from Boston. I hope you're gonna like working there."

"I hope so, too."

That day, after coming home from her first day at work since she came back, absolutely exhausted from the day, she didn't have time to take her jeans off.

She let herself fall on her bed and almost fell asleep.

Just before, though, she grabbed her phone and texted Miller.

"Count me in"

The time of hiding away had come to an end.

Besides, she would have lied to herself if she said she wasn't curious and, after all, a little bit excited, too, about Bellamy's reaction to her walking around him in a bikini.

She didn't know when she became that confident about whatever was going on between them, but she couldn't ignore she didn't mind it.

She fell asleep within the first three minutes with the phone in her hand.

* * *

"Fuck, yes, don't stop— don't stop—"

The last week had been hard for Clarke.

Adjusting to her new job, knowing her classes were also about to start, had her either constantly tired or in the verge of a breakdown she would let out under the shower. Or, more like likely and more often, both.

She would come home and go to bed without even touching the dinner her loving roommate had probably already made for her.

Sometimes she wouldn't even take her clothes off, and just fell asleep above the blankets.

Raven was the one who usually found her and covered her at least, closing the door behind her and letting her get her deserved rest.

It was about adjusting to the new routine her life now had, but it wasn't easy.

It was just Wednesday, and she was already physically exhausted and mentally drained.

Luckily for her, though, she had a really great stress relief.

Bellamy, currently underneath her, was already losing his steady rhythm as she threw her head behind and started meeting his thrust, moving back and forth with his hard dick inside of her.

"I won't," he growled, grabbing her hips and making her meet his own "You feel so good on me. Come for me, Clarke—"

"Yes—" she hissed, close to the edge, close to the third orgasm of the night.

The first one was by his mouth.

The second one was by his fingers, while she sucked him.

The third one was about to be by his dick.

She knew, she wouldn't have settled for two

without a final third one. And she knew, he wouldn't have either.

"Oh my god—" a particularly loud moan escaped from her lips when he bucked his hips up.

And only three seconds later, she clenched around him and cried out in pleasure, sparks of that same feeling washing through her like electricity from her very core. He came right after her, their groans escaping their mouth in unison.

"Fuck" she breathed out while letting herself fall on the bed next to him.

The aftermath of the sex was getting easier with him.

It wasn't as embarrassing as it had been the first times.

"That was hot" he said, lying down next to her.

She smirked. "Thank you."

He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

She glanced at him right in time before he sat up. She smiled at the vision of his curls being wet and sticky on his sweaty forehead, and she smiled because she knew that was all her.

He threw the condom away and started getting dressed without saying a word.

"So," she lifted herself up on her elbows and raised an eyebrow, particularly interested in asking him that, "Are you coming on Friday?"

"Sure, yeah" he nodded, wearing his shirt. "You?”

"Yeah" she shrugged.

Clarke smirked a bit then bit her bottom lip to avoid talking further. But then, she spot him looking at her so she shrugged again. "What is it?"

"We're going to be shirtless or more likely half naked around each other the whole time. Such a challenge."

She raised an eyebrow. She couldn't really tell what he was thinking by his expression, so she just kept it casual.

"It's not a challenge when the villa has plenty of rooms." she joked.

And she could swear he almost smiled.

He walked out of her bedroom, and, suddenly, she was a lot more excited about the weekend at the villa.

* * *

That Friday afternoon, they all organized the way they would've driven to Miller's villa, just an hour and a half far from the center of the city.

They decided to just take two cars, because Bellamy decided to drive his rover, and so he brought Octavia, Niylah, a friend of Octavia who joined them, Miller, Murphy, Jasper and Monty with him. While Emori accepted to drive and Clarke, Raven, Harper and Luna went with her.

Clarke didn't pack a lot of things, considering they were only supposed to stay there two days. And most of the stuff was anyway bikinis and summer clothes, easily packable and didn't take too much space.

The road trip was enjoyable.

Raven had insisted on putting some minutes and they all sang along the notes of the songs that made her remember her past days before she left for Europe. The time she came back home, when only Murphy Harper Raven and occasionally Monty would speak to her.

Once arrived, they rushed to see the villa.

And it was nice, surely worth the road trip and even the trip in the memories train thanks to certain songs.

It was very big, entirely made of wooden walls with occasionally some marble and granite at the corners. The outside was covered by a large garden with a ping pong table and a basket, plus the pool. Clarke had never seen a pool so big, and she would've bet it was deep, too.

The inside was even larger than the outside had promised.

Wooden walls there, too, with yellow chandeliers coming down from each ceiling that stood out in the overall darkness of the place, probably given by the dark tone of the wood.

It was divided into three main areas: there was the kitchen, a small area with counters made of the same marble of the outside corners, and overall very appealing kinds of furniture

A door from the kitchen brought to the living room, a way bigger area with two large couches and two black armchairs that looked very comfortable. A large black hairy carpet, a few commodes and a very cozy fireplace. The last room was a small bathroom that only had the cabinet, the sink a commode with many body products and bath and hand towels. 

"Jeez," Murphy blurted out when they stepped into the living room, "Not a TV in sight." he looked around, then added "Does this place even exist in the Google maps, Miller?"

"Probably not, so it would be harder to find your corpse if someone buried you here" he joked, taking some of the others' bags already.

Murphy smirked.

"We're here for the nature, certainly not to be in contact with electricity and media's world here, too" Luna said quietly while sweeping her eyes over the place that would've been their home for the next two days.

"You used too many difficult words, so I-"

"So," Raven said, interrupting Murphy, "how are we going to settle?"

"Okay, so, listen out" Miller began, letting go off the bags and taking a step toward so that everyone could see him, "consistently, there are only three bedrooms mine included. But they all have queen-size beds, which means six people can already sleep there. Everyone else can settle on the couches here, there's an hammock in the garden and i have a few mattresses that can be put on the carpets with blankets."

Everyone nodded, glancing at one another and starting to decide their settlement for the night.

At the end, after a couple of Murphy's jokes about Emori and Luna sharing a room, returned by Emori's subtle looks at Raven that made Murphy finally shut up, they made a decision

Emori and Luna shared one of the bedrooms, and the same did Raven and Clarke and Murphy and Bellamy. Jasper and Monty took one of the living room couches, the biggest one, while the other went to Octavia and Niylah, whom everyone was starting to believe to be more than just a friend to Octavia.

Miller, since he kindly gave the others his own bedroom, settled for the mattress on the carpet, so that he at least would've spent the night with Jasper and Monty playing video games.

Harper took the hammock for her own choice, said she loved to sleep under the stars and so everyone just let her.

Once the room were decided and their bags were all gone from the hallways, Murphy and Miller thought about the dinner while some of the others settled the long table.

Jasper and Monty went through Miller's shelf of video games and picked the one that would've entertained them during the night, and in the meanwhile, Harper Octavia and Niylah went outside to inspect the garden. Emori took a shower, but everyone was sure Luna was with there in there, too.

When everyone joined to dinner at the table, Murphy was the first to notice it.

"Wait a second," he began, rising to his feet right after sitting down and placing the bowl of greek salad he so proudly had made at the center of the table, "Where the hell is Bellamy?"

No one had seen him since they all decided to take some time to take a shower or nap or just refresh themselves after the road trip. In fact, Murphy hadn't seen him since after he had come out of the shower.

"I'll go look for him" Jasper said, standing up and placing his cloth on the table.

"No, eat" Clarke smiled at him, giving him a slight but reassuring nod. "I'm not really hungry. I will."

She was pretty sure the look everyone gave her was a new one. Monty and Harper glanced between one another, while Murphy pulled his head back like she'd just told them their biggest secret. Only Raven's face was unmoved, but Clarke could quickly figure out why.

"What is it?"

"I just-" Jasper didn't go on, but Monty spoke for him.

"Nothing," he smiled politely, "It's just that I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we surely didn't expect to go back to... this."

"This?" Clarke asked, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. The turmoil her friends' expressions had was understandable, but just until a certain point. She did feel a bit hurt by their reactions. After all, she genuinely just wanted to go call him for dinner.

"What Monty is trying to say is... that we haven't done this kind of stuff all together in... a long time. We know why, you know why. It's always been either you or Bellamy. Either you or Octavia. We understood it, understood all of you, of course. And yet, here we are, finally doing something all together for the first time in a year. It's nice, you know?" Harper spoke fast, like she'd prepared her speech. Clarke could swear that was something she'd wanted to say for a long time now.

"Okay, and what does me going to call Bellamy have to do with this?"

"She's just saying that she doesn't want you two to start arguing, Griffin." Murphy's voice rose from a few seats to her left. "Say it, Harper. We all think this. We know how you two are in a room, we already were frightened to do this with you two being together in the same house for two days, let's not ruin our dinner with your fights, will you leave it to us? It's already a surprise you and Octavia still haven't been swearing at each other."

Thinking about it, Octavia had been unusually quiet. She'd never been the quiet and calm type. She'd talk and talk and talk, find new topics for conversations, even when they were friends, Clarke recalls, they never had a minute of silence to share because she always had something new and interesting to say or ask or just talk about. Instead, she'd been quiet, or at least around her, since theyd arrived there.

She knew she was the reason.

She knew why already.

Emori had just opened her mouth to add something to Murphy's speech, before Clarke could even go talk to Bellamy or decide to just sit down and let someone else do it, when Bellamy walked into the living room, barefoot and shirtless. 

He didn't seem to care about anyone's business nor to have heard or, at least, care, about their current conversation.

He just walked inside and headed to the one free chair they'd left him between Octavia and Jasper.

When he felt his eyes on him, he lifted his eyes from the bowl. "Huh? What is it? What are you staring at?"

Clarke slowly sat down again.

"Where were you?" Murphy asked, sitting back on the chair himself.

"Outside?”

"Outside?" Raven countered from across from him.

"You heard me," Bellamy began with an annoyed tone "I laid down on the hammock after my shower and fell asleep. I just woke up, what's up? Why are you interrogating me?"

Raven shook her head and everyone went back to their meals.

"Nothing." Murphy mumbled.

And everyone kept eating their dinner in silence.

If she had to be honest about it, Clarke did get bothered by what happened before eating.

It's not like she thought their points weren't valid — she knew they were right, she could never deny it — but still, she believed there could've - there was - a kinder way of phrasing it. Of telling her.

It was because of that that right after helping the others bringing the dirty plates and cutlery to the kitchen, she headed to her room withoyt saying a word.

They hadn't planned something in particular for that night since it was the first one and they were all pretty tired from the trip, especially the drivers, but she still imagined they would've done something.

She didn't care. So she let herself fall on the bed and grabbed the book she's put in her bag, trying to focus on something that wasn't her life for a while.

Shortly later, she couldn't even notice it, she fell asleep. With her face right on the open book, laying down on her stomach and still wearing those pink shorts and yellow top she's grabbed after her shower.

Her confused dreams were disturbed by something. It wasn't clear at first, but as she slowly started coming back and snapping out of the dream world, the bother she felt took the shape of a voice.

A voice, and an hand on her shoulder.

"Clarke" he said, and she only heard it in her dream.

"Clarke," he repeated, and only when his hand slightly shook her shoulder she startled, waking up.

"Sorry," Bellamy smirked, evidently not sorry at all "The choice was between this and waking you up with my face between your legs." he smirked.

Clarke found it repulsing the way his smirk was literally always still, no matter the circumstance. "Asshole." she mumbled.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Why did you wake me up?" she asked, rubbing her eyes with her hands. "What are you doing in my room?"

"Okay first of all, thank you. I came here despite the others literally told me I shouldn't have, not sure why of such drama. Second, we're playing. Everyone participates, c'mon."

Too much information for her sleepy mind. She quickly realized though, only after sitting up. "Oh, don't worry, they did it with me too at dinner. Apparently, they're scared we're going to kill each other or something."

Bellamy rose to his feet from his kneeling position and closed the book for her, placing it on the nightstand. "I'm not sure, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they're not so wrong to think that"

Clarke rolled her eyes and grabbed a pillow, slamming it against his stomach.

"Ouch?!" he frowned heavily.

"Yeah, you're right. They're not." she said, laying down again, this time underneath the blankets.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm sleeping, obviously."

"No you aren't. They're playing, don't be such an ass and come."

"And why would I do that?”

"Because," he begun, crossing his arms in front of his chest, "they think we can't stay in the same room together without killing each other. Let's prove them we can."

Clarke wouldn't have admitted it, but he was right.

Laying down and avoiding whatever they had planned would've just given them a reason to think they needed to stay away from each other. And it was true, until a certain point. But not like before.

And Clarke was aware that the sex had played a great role in it, but they didn't needed to know it.

She gave Bellamy another look, and he raised an eyebrow.

"Fine." she sighed.

She got up again, heading to the door.

"But under one condition." she added.

"And that is?"

"You're not going to chicken out if the bottle ends on you and me and you have to kiss me." she said, grinning.

He slowly narrowed his eyes at her and for a few seconds Clarke regretted saying it.

But then, he instead snorted longingly, and when he did she let out a breath.

"You think I would back away, Griffin? You don't think I have the guts to kiss you in front of the others?" he challenged her.

She only tilted her chin up, getting a better visual of his freckled face. "Then prove you do have the guts to, Blake."

He didn't a say a word, and so, she just raised an eyebrow.

She observed as he clenched his jaw, and she resisted the urge to kiss it.

Before walking away, she turned to look at him again one last time, hoping he'd just follow.

And for a change, she was the one who smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you next week ❤️


	5. Poison & wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of the chapter is from poison and wine by The Civil Wars

Murphy walked back with an empty bottle of water in his right hand and a full one of vodka in his left one.

"Oh oh, here we have two more participants, I see." he excitedly blurted out as soon as his eyes laid on Bellamy and Clarke, sitting on the floor with the others, with just Raven in between. "Why not sitting next to each other at this point?"

"Cut the crap, Murphy, c'mon" Bellamy spat while holding his open palm in front of the friend, "Give me the bottle."

"So bossy," Murphy smirked while handing him the bottle.

He sat next to Emori to his left side, and next to Clarke to his right.

"So," Emori then began, looking around everyone, at the circle they had formed. "Everyone knows how to play, right?"

"Are we playing _Never have I ever_?" Octavia asked.

"Exactly," Emori said, "Bellamy, may I?"

Bellamy gave the bottle to Emori, leaning forward to get past Raven, Clarke and Murphy, and she took the empty bottle and placed it at the center of the circle.

"So," Emori started, "for anyone who doesn't remember. Someone makes the bottle spin. The first person it lands on, that's the person who's going to ask the question. The person has to ask a _Never have I ever_ , aka something that you've never done, but that you know or suspect the other person might have done to make them drunk. Because you goal, is to make people drink." Emori smirked.

Raven continued, “Then, it gets spun a second time, and the second person it lands on, is the person who has to answer the question. If you have done the _Never have I ever_ , you drink. Each person has a total of five times where you'll answer whether you have or haven't done that certain thing,"

"You can use your fingers to keep track of it" Emori suggested, smirking, and Raven nodded at her.

"Exactly" she said, "And when anyone who runs out of fingers... you have to do a dare."

Emori nodded and swept her eyes over everyone.

"Goal is to get drunk" Bellamy repeated with a smirk.

"So..." Niylah shyly approached for what Clarke thought was maybe the first time for the whole trip, "who decides what dare we need to do?"

Emori grinned and exchanged glances with Raven.

"This is the funny part of it all" there was something in Raven's voice that attracted everyone's attention.

She slightly grinned again and Murphy frowned. "What the fuck did you two come up with?"

Emori laughed and tilted her chin at Raven who, with no one's surprise, had still a smug smirk on her lips.

"The person who's currently sitting on your left is going to decide the dare." she finally said.

Clarke felt confused for a second, and with an eyebrow raised, she inspected her surroundings, gathering all the informations about who was sitting at who's left. She frowned, looking to her own left, only to find Murphy grinning at her.

"Oh, yeah, I'm definitely going to enjoy this." he said, and Clarke laughed loudly as she hit his arm, "Fuck off, Murphy."

"Hey, but that's not fair!" Octavia said, sitting fright across from Bellamy, with Niylah on her left, "You two," she pointed at Raven and Emori, "you knew it and chose your seats strategically."

Emori shook her head and left Raven the opportunity to explain, "Not true. We just decided it, sending each other a text message. I assure you we did it randomly, or you think I would get anything good from letting Clarke choose my dare—" realization sunk in, and Emori bursted into a loud laughter, "Ah, fuck."

Clarke laughed too, and Octavia and the others joined, "Now this is definitely going to be funny!"

Raven rolled her eyed and grabbed the bottle herself, getting on her knees to place it right at the center of the circle.

Everyone agreed on starting and Murphy started handing everyone beers or shots, ready to drink on their own turn.

Raven was the first one who span the bottle; it kept spinning, with everyone's eyes been pointed at it while it slowed down, until it stopped, landing right on Jasper.

He smirked, "I'm absolutely ready" he said while rubbing his hands together.

The second time, it landed on Murphy, and he flashed Jasper a laughter that he returned.

"Please... surprise me." Murphy teased.

Jasper thought about it for a while, sweeping his eyes over the floor in front of him before he smirked, pointing at him, "Never have I ever lied to flirt with a guy" Jasper said, and his lips arched in a proud smirk, sure of himself.

"Ah, fuck it," Murphy murmured, and grabbed a bottle.

Some of them laughed, others just exchanged awkward looks with smiles on their lips.

"Did you really need to lie, Murphy? What is it, they wouldn't like you without lies?" Clarke says, sarcasm still in her voice of course.

"Save it, Griffin. I didn't even lie. I just... made some details a little bit bigger, if you will."

An _Oh my god!_ rose from the others and Raven started laughing hysterically, "Not in that sense!" she yelled, still laughing.

"What?" Murphy said, confused, but then he understood, and so added "Oh fuck. I was talking about my car! My fucking car! Jesus Christ you are a bunch of maniacs"

"Fine, but now drink, Murphy" Bellamy's voice resonated from a few seats on his right and Murphy rolled his eyes.

"Whatever you say." he downed his shot and pulled a face when the alcohol burned his throat.

They kept going, and this time Octavia asked to spin the bottle. It landed on Harper first and then on Miller, and she hit him with something that made him chuck half a beer.

After about forty minutes, everyone had at least two fingers down and, so, had drunk at least twice.

The only one with only one finger down was Monty, and Harper smiled proudly when she smirked at everyone and told them they don't know him enough for this game, proudly praising herself for being the only one to make him drink.

At that point of the night, Clarke had drunk three times already. And only Raven, Bellamy, Octavia, Murphy and Luna had only one chance left, having drunk four times.

Clarke didn't feel drunk, maybe only on the verge of being tipsy. But the alcohol in her veins didn't make her head spin or her stomach stir. On the other side, it gave her a beautiful sensation, that made her feel like her head was finally light, free from everything that had been piled up inside of it.

She sighed, letting out an exhale and she felt like some tension got off her shoulder, sweeping her eyes over her friends who — judging on their smiles and laughters — were feeling exactly how she felt.

She was so caught up in her own thoughts when Raven waved at her.

"Planet Earth calls Clarke Griffin, are you there?"

"Oh," Clarke shook her head, "yeah, what's up?"

"It's your turn, Murphy asks you a question."

Clarke glanced at the bottle, and discovered it was pointed at her. Then, with a glance at Murphy, she noticed he was even more tipsy than her. Drunk, if you will. He was grinning widely and humming a song before Clarke turned to look at him and so parted his arms.

"Ahhhh, Griffin! Finally!"

"Alright," she nodded, shrugging her shoulders, "I just have two left anyway. Hit me up."

Murphy pouted, grabbing his bottle of beer he had evidently been sipping outside of the game, "So," he begun, "Never have I ever kissed my ex."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me" Murphy laughed.

Clarke raised an eyebrow and looked at Raven. She gave her a confused look and the friend shrugged her shoulders.

Had Raven talked, was the question?

No, she had promised.

Was it really so random?

So random yet so accurate?

She forced herself not to turn to look at Bellamy, telling herself it would've just made it all obvious.

So, she cleared her throat, and grabbed her shot. "Alright." and then chugged it.

She coughed at the sensation of her throat burning, and held her hands up, "You did it, Murphy."

"Oh, fuck," he let out a laughter, "Really?"

Clarke saw like most of her friends' eyes had laid on Bellamy now, so she figured she could've taken the occasion to do the same.

He looked unmoved. Undoubtedly very calm, and Clarke thought that the alcohol probably had something to do with it.

She figured it was better to talk, though, "Yeah," she shrugged, trying to make it the most possible casual, "Two weeks after breaking up with Lexa. It was just a kiss and we were both really drunk, it was at a Truth or Dare. Anything else?" she asked, and there was a quiet murmur going on between Octavia and the other side of the circle.

Raven clapped her hands together, drawing all the attention to herself, "Alright! Who's next?"

And Raven's voice slowly became quieter while her attention was drawn back to Bellamy.

He was looking at her, not saying anything, no, but his eyes were.

She frowned, shaking her head a bit.

And when Bellamy's eyes laid on Raven, before turning back to her, Clarke shrugged.

She didn't know if Raven had talked, but if she had, Murphy would probably be the first one to know it.

She would've dealt with it later.

The game went on and more people drank.

When by a look on the clock Clarke noticed it was _01.00 AM,_ two people already had lost all their chances.

Niylah had forced Octavia to change her shoes with Jasper's for the rest of the whole night, and the whole group had bursted into a loud laughter when a very tipsy Jasper had stood up on Octavia's heels with trembling legs. Later on, Emori had dared Murphy to leave one of his exes a message, convinced she had awkwardly put him to a corner. But, even while being super drunk, Murphy smirked at her when Emori's phone buzzed with a notification.

She went to look and Murphy laughed out loud already, while she read

You forgot to say 'any ex except myself'.

When the bottle landed on Monty and on Bellamy, Monty happily accepted Murphy whispering into his ear.

"Hey! That's not fair!" Bellamy protested, "Monty needs to come up with his own!"

But Raven laughed and held her hands in surrender, "Sorry Blake, we didn't lay out any rule against it."

"Fuck you and the rules" Bellamy muttered, and already grabbed his shot, confident in how much Murphy knew him by now.

"So," Monty begun, "Never ever I ever run down the street naked."

Bellamy narrowed his eyes, not really at Monty, much more at Murphy.

Their friends laughed.

"Really, Blake?" Emori parted her arms and laughed.

"Oh my god, I was FIVE YEARS OLD. Give me a break" Bellamy said with a ghost of a smile on his lips, and downed the alcohol right after that.

Clarke felt her own lips tugging up in a smile, so she bit her bottom lip, shaking her head at Bellamy's cute confession.

She needed to be more subtle, true, but the alcohol in her veins didn't make it possible. Didn't make it easy.

"Well, Bellamy, you ran out of chances, and you know what that means..." Raven's voice sounded tipsier than it was a few minutes ago, and Clarke recognized that higher octave her voice always achieved whenever her roommate had drunk too much.

Bellamy sighed and parted his arms, his own voice now dressed with inebriation, "As long as you don't make me ask my ex out or whatever" a beat, then, glancing at Clarke, "my other one. I'm good with Clarke."

Clarke's cheeks went to flame, and she was sure the alcohol had nothing to do with it. She swallowed and glanced at Raven, "You better not involve me in anything."

"You know what, Clarke? I didn't mean to. But you're practically asking for it, so I think I have my dare" Raven crossed her arms in front of her boobs and tilted her chin at Bellamy, then did the same with Clarke, before speaking again, "I dare you to change your clothes for the rest of the night."

Clarke widened her eyes, "What?"

"As if I could ever fit in that top she's wearing?" Bellamy protested, pointing at Clarke. A gesture that made her bit her bottom lip unconsciously.

"The dare is for Bellamy, not for me" Clarke went on, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Stop crying so loud," Raven begin, shaking her head, "Of course you won't fit, so let's make it possible at least: just change your hoodies and your sweats and shorts for the rest of the night. Clarke, you can keep your top"

"Even if I wouldn't have minded seeing Bellamy wearing a cute cropped yellow top" Murphy countered, definitely grinning.

Bellamy parted his lips to reply back but, before he could, Jasper clapped his hands, "C'mon, we don't have all the night?" he paused for a second, then "Correction, we do, but Octavia's heels aren't ruining my feet for good for nothing," he grinned widely, "Move."

With very much unease from her side, Clarke got up.

Bellamy did the same, and sighed heavily before they both made their way to the bathroom.

She walked inside first and he followed, then locked the door behind them and Clarke swallowed heavily.

She didn't want to make a scene or anything, and since it was a dare she had to anyway accept, she started taking her hoodie off in silence.

For the first seconds, they both stayed quiet. And not because she was uncomfortable with it — on the contrary, with Bellamy, the silence was even enjoyable — but just because she was sure the alcohol running in her veins wouldn't have made talking a good idea in any case.

Bellamy was the one who started a conversation, caught up in taking his sweatpants off after kicking his shoes against the door.

"If this is my dare, I don't want to think about yours"

"Don't worry, I won't let them come to much"

"You have just one finger left, or am I wrong?" he asked, grabbing the hems of his hoodie and taking it off completely, discovering his trained bare chest and abs.

Clarke made a mistake: glancing at him.

She did and she did not look away for a good amount of seconds.

But Bellamy didn't seem to mind, and so, he just waited for her to reply while running his hands through his messy curls.

"I mean—" she swallowed, sweeping her eyes up and down on him, then finally looked at his face again and, quietly "I haven't worn anything that's yours since—" she trailed off, but didn't speak anymore.

He got it, though, and in lieu of backing away, like Clarke had expected and like he had been doing since always, he nodded, handing her his hoodie.

"Well it looks like it's your lucky day today" he smirked.

She knew alcohol had nothing to do with it, that his smirk was still on his lips basically the whole time, but his cheeks were redder and his eyes a bit further from her.

Them both, drunk, stuck in a bathroom, changing their clothes.

What could go wrong?

It depends on what was wrong for Clarke.

Surely not the way his eyes glanced at her when she took her shorts off. 

She swallowed, looking up at him, then quietly, trying to not make her voice tremble, "I'm not wearing a bra under my top"

Something flashed in Bellamy's eyes, she was sure of seeing it — even though she could not affirm with certainty that it had nothing to do with alcohol — but she did see it.

He shrugged, "I'm turning" and slowly turned to give her his back.

She let out a breathy laughter, because that was for sure a very kind and respectful gesture, but she would've appreciated it from literally anyone else.

Air got thicker around them when she took her top off and let it fall on the floor.

She started sweeping her eyes over his bare back, and only then, with the artificial light of the bathroom, she noticed his freckles.

The same freckles she used to trace lines on back in the days. She didn't touch him anymore after sex now, and she missed it.

She missed everything about those days.

"You know I don't mind you staring at my naked boobs anyway..." she said.

Bellamy closed his eyes, letting out a breath.

A beat. Then, instead of picking up his hoodie, Clarke got closer, too close to his back.

Bellamy still didn't answer, and every step Clarke took was felt like her heart missed a beat. When she finally stopped, Bellamy could feel her warm breath against his skin.

He blinked his eyes open, and whispered, "You know I don't mind doing it either," he paused, and then "But you also know I wouldn't stop at just staring."

Clarke blinked, and she felt like some air got sucked out of her lungs. She found herself pressing her legs together, and only then she notices her hands were closed in fists.

But before she could answer, Bellamy turned again.

His eyes, with much surprise from Clarke's side, didn't travel to her breasts. They stayed still on Clarke's eyes instead, and for some reason, that was way worse.

He tilted his head to the side, and she was pretty sure he was about to say — or do — something, when they heard a knock on the door.

"Are you still changing your clothes or are you going at it?" Raven asked, knocking repeatedly on the door.

And then, with a much quieter tone, "Pretty much everyone is tipsy or on the verge of it, but it doesn't mean you two aren't obvious. Hurry up."

Bellamy cleared his throat and Clarke looked away.

Not glancing at him, she picked his hoodie and wore it, and then did the same with his sweatpants.

She noticed how they were too large on it, and Bellamy, right after wearing her clothes, did too.

"Wait" he said, and then walked past her to the drawers.

He fumbled in them for a few seconds, and when he came back, he did it with a hairpin in his hand.

"You're so smart" she smirked.

He chuckled. He really did it, and it was the most beautiful sound Clarke had ever heard, even though she was far from admitting it.

"I have my moments." he replied.

Right after putting her hairpin on his sweatpants to keep them from falling off, they walked out of the bathroom.

Raven wasn't there like they expected her to, do they made their way back to the garden for the game.

"Ohhhh, finally!"

A laughter rose from pretti much everyone, still sitting around in circles, and Bellamy rolled his eyes while taking his previous seat.

"At least I'm not wearing heels" Bellamy countered while glancing at Jasper's feet.

"Careful, or one of these is going to be stuck in your forehead, Bellamy" Jasper said and everyone laughed again.

Clarke shook her head with a light smile on her lips.

"Alright, alright, enough laughters..." Murphy began, "so, who's next?"

The game went on with Emori who lost her last chance and had to do a dare.

And while everyone was laughing because of Emori having to make Luna a lap dance — Murphy was even filming it — only then, Clarke noticed the scent.

It was all over her.

It was on his hoodie, that was for sure, but since she hadn't noticed it until that moment, now that she did, it seemed like it was already enveloping her.

It was the same old scent he'd always had, ever since the days they were together.

He'd always smelled like this, and she wasn't sure it was just the cologne he used.

Instead, Clarke was sure it was a mixture of his shower gel, his conditioner, his cologne and the way his skin naturally smelled.

It was the scent her own skin had every time they had sex.

The same one she needed to wash off her sheets to avoid falling back in the memories' trap over and over.

Clarke swallowed thickly and tried to focus on everything but that.

She wondered if her own clothes smelled like hers, and if Bellamy had noticed it too.

She wondered if her scent was as addicting for him as his was for her.

She would have never admitted it, but she would've wanted to sleep in that hoodie.

And it seemed to her like Bellamy was almost able to read her mind, when, right after Emori's sexy dance, her phone buzzed.

She took it out of her hoodie and read the text:

**_Bellamy Blake_ **

**_02.03 AM_ **

_Your hoodie smells like you, it's like having you on me, I hope you know that_

Her heart almost skipped a beat, and she swallowed.

She tried hard, but between the way his scent was deep inside her nostrils, the alcohol she'd drunk, and his text, she couldn't help but turn her head and look at him.

He was staring at her, and then he shrugged his shoulders.

The ease of the movement, so simple, after sending her that message...sent shivers down her body.

About half an hour later, they all decided it was late enough. Considering pretty much everyone was tipsy, and some of them even more — Murphy was in the worst conditions — they decided that calling it a night was for the best.

They all said _bye_ and, slowly, everyone came back to their respective rooms.

Bellamy and Raven helped Murphy get up, throwing his arms over her and his shoulder, and keeping him steady on his feet.

Clarke walked over, and sighed. "I can help you guys bring him to the room, let's go"

Once back to Murphy and Bellamy's room, Clarke opened the door for them, and Raven and Bellamy slowly walked inside, bringing a very drunk and talkative Murphy with them.

"God, I feel like this room is spinning" he laughed.

Raven glanced at Bellamy and, instead of a laughter, her expression was worried.

"You should've drunk less, Murphy" Raven said, carefully helping him lay down.

Bellamy kneeled down in front of him and took his shoes off. And Murphy lifted himself on his elbows and laughed, pointing at Bellamy with his pointer finger.

"You smell so good, did you know that?"

Bellamy choked a laughter and shook his head. "Your scent isn't bad either" he smirked.

Clarke just leaned against the doorframe and watched the scene. She would've wanted to tell Murphy how right he was. 

"You're so cute of taking care of me guys, I love you" Murphy exclaimed, glancing between Raven and Bellamy.

Raven sighed with a smile on her lips and sat down next to him, "We love you too, okay?" she smiled softly and tilted her head slightly to the side.

Murphy smiled, stupidly and even too widely for a drunk person, and then lifted his hand and tucked a stand of her dark hair behind Raven's ear.

"Are you staying with me in case I throw up?" Murphy asked with a smirk on his face. But, on the contrary of what his expression communicated, his voice was soft.

Raven blinked and shook her head. "Uh... I—" she turned to glance at Bellamy and Clarke.

Bellamy, still on his knees, raised an eyebrow. He turned his head over his shoulder and looked at Clarke.

She pulled her head back, "Huh?"

Raven shrugged then looked back at Murphy, "This is yours and Bellamy's room, actually... so I probably should—"

"Stay" Bellamy said firmly, rising to his feet again.

"But—"

He waved her off. "I'm going to sleep on one of the chairs outside, next to the hammock. It's fine, but stay with him, please?"

Raven blinked, but she quickly gave in and then just heavily nodded. "I won't leave him alone, don't worry"

She started helping him taking his jeans off to lay down underneath the blankets, and Clarke swept her eyes between the three of them, nervously chewing on her bottom lip.

"I'm not going to let you stay the whole night in a chair when I have a king-sized bed in my room" she quietly side once he was close enough to her.

"It's not such a big deal for me, anyway."

Clarke raised an eyebrow.

Once they walked out of the room and closed the door behind them, Clarke turned to face him once again.

"I'm serious. You should sleep in my bed, Bellamy."

The sentence came out softer than she meant, so Clarke crossed her arms in front of her chest to appear casual. Like those same words she'd just pronounced hadn't just given her a rush of adrenaline.

"You drank more than I have, considering I saw you sipping on a bottle of wine during the game."

She nodded, waiting for him to go on. "So?"

"So, I'm not having sex with you while you're definitely tipsier than I am"

Clarke blinked a couple of times.

And he stared down at her, just waiting for her to say something.

"I didn't ask you to." she finally said.

She knew he would've never done that, anyway.

"I wouldn't have sex with you while you're not in yourself, either, just so you know." she then added.

"Alright," he said, "Good."

"Good" she repeated.

"I should change my clothes anyway... don't get me wrong, these pink shorts are adorable and I love the color, but they're really not my size"

Clarke giggled and nodded, "They surely aren't... the hairpin on the sweatpants I'm wearing agrees with you"

"I'm going to take some from my room and then I'll be back, then"

"Oh— well, I can give you your clothes back and—"

He waved her off and shook his head, "Keep them. I'll be back"

She only nodded and then watched him walk into the room again.

"For fuck's sake." she mumbled, and then, she just walked back to her room

He came back after ten minutes when Clarke was already underneath the blankets. She took his sweatpants off, but kept his hoodie on since she was too cold to do it and too tipsy to find her pajama in her bag.

He walked inside in silence, tiptoed to the bed and quietly laid down.

In the darkness of the room, Clarke raised an eyebrow when she felt a weight on the bed.

She was giving him her back, and she wouldn't have been able to see him anyway, because it was dark, but she felt him.

She swallowed before whispering, "You alright?"

He snorted. "Yeah, apart from the fact that the room is spinning"

She choked a laughter and bit her bottom lip.

"It took me ten minutes to get used to it. Just wait"

She heard him and letting out a sound that resembled a lot to a quiet laughter, and she then felt him adjusting himself to get comfortable.

He sighed.

After a while, her eyes were still wide open.

She tried to sweep them over what she could see, but the thin ray of moonlight coming through the curtains didn't lighten much.

When she tried to close her eyes again, totally out of nowhere, he spoke.

"Are you awake?" he said quietly.

"Yes, you?"

He laughed quietly and then exhaled.

"I guess?"

The corner of her lips tugged up in a smirk, "Stupid question"

"There are no stupid questions"

"You sound like my professor right now"

He chocked a quiet laughter and she considered accurately her next words.

Clarke had been wanting to apologize, seriously apologize since forever, but ever since they'd started seeing each other for sex, that desire had turned into something more. She didn't just want to, she needed to. She needed him to know she hated herself for what she did to him, and not because the thought of him knowing she hated herself brought her joy, but to make him understand she suffered a lot, too, just like she deserved anyway.

"Bellamy..."

"Hm?"

She swallowed. She tried to choose the right words for what she needed to say, but there were no right words for that.

Maybe... maybe she should've waited to be sober.

Maybe... she should've shut her mouth and wait until she could think straight...

...maybe—

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. I want— I _need_ you to know that I am genuinely, deeply sorry. And I'm not only referring to leaving you..." she whispered, "I'm referring to everything. I'm sorry for not having been enough for you, I'm sorry for ruining our relationship, I'm sorry— I'm sorry for disappointing you, for making you believe... that we would've lasted... I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you that you never deserved. Not even a single crumb of the pain I caused you...you didn't deserve any of that, and I know... I know that words— will never heal anything nor be enough, I know that, but I really want you to know that I am sorry. For everything... and that—" Clarke spat her words one after the other one, all in one long fast flow, without even thinking about them first.

Bellamy stayed quiet for a while.

Whether to know what exactly answer with, or to know what was the most polite way of telling her he didn't care, Clarke wasn't sure.

"Why are you saying this to me now?" his voice sounded deep. Deeper than his usual one. Like that somehow had awakened something in him.

Of course it did.

"Because I'm tipsy, I guess."

"Well you shouldn't say anything while being in this state."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't know what you're saying."

"Oh, I do," she said, raising the tone of her voice before lowering it again, "the alcohol in my veins didn't change anything. I've been wanting to say this, and more... I just didn't find the courage. Guess I needed to drink to find it."

"You know I don't want to hear it" he said, cold.

She swallowed again to get rid of the bump in her throat, but that didn't seem to work.

"But I need you to..."

Bellamy turned to face her.

He sighed, and when she turned her face to him she saw him shaking his head.

"Don't make all of this harder than it already is..." he whispered.

Clarke damned herself, damned herself for making it harder in the first place.

Then, he went on, "What's done is done"

Or maybe it wasn't like this.

Maybe things could change.

An idea, a reckless and pessime idea, slowly formed in Clarke's mind.

And her mouth acted before she could control it, before she could—

"If I could go back... I would—"

"I don't want to hear it" Bellamy said promptly.

“If I could go back... I would do things differently. I would-”

"Clarke..." 

She sighed.

”Okay. Fine.”

“Let’s just sleep” he whispered.

She nodded, hoping he would get it from the movement. That was their last conversation before he fell asleep.

But she didn't sleep until the sun rose.

* * *

The sun had been up for two hours when Clarke woke up.

She slept only a few hours which lead to a very bad headache as soon as her eyes flickered open. Or, at least, that was her way to justify it, totally ignoring the liters of alcohol she'd drunk the night before.

She soon noticed she was alone in bed. With a frantic glance at her phone, she realized it was only 8.04 AM.

On her way to the kitchen to take some water for her painkiller, everything slowly came back to her mind.

The game, her changing her clothes with Bellamy's, them alone in the bathroom and what had almost happened... and then his smile, them bringing Murphy to his room, her sleeping in his hoodie.

Their conversion in bed.

The things she said....

 _Shit_.

Getting into the kitchen wasn't even an option anymore when she heard talking right before turning the corner.

"Are you sure you're okay?" it was Raven's voice she heard first, and it was way softer than the one she usually used.

"Yeah, I'm just going to drink this tea and take three painkillers or something" Murphy laughed and there was a moment of silence.

Clarke tried to get closer; she turned the corner and hid herself behind the half closed door.

"Hey..." Murphy spoke again, and from the tiny opening, Clarke could see they were very close to each other.

Raven was leaning against the counter with her back to it, and Murphy was slowly getting closer. So close that Raven had to tilt her chin further up to be able to look at him.

"Thank you. For tonight. For— staying with me, you know? It meant a lot"

"You don't need to thank me for that, and you know that, Murphy" Raven's voice was still soft, but something about her told Clarke she was uncomfortable.

Being too close to the person you're attracted with. She could imagine the feeling. She did.

"Don't I? I was pretty much a mess" Murphy laughter awkwardly and brought his hand in the back of his neck.

Raven flashed him a small smile, "You don't. That's what best friends are for..."

Silence.

She didn't hear anything after, and a sudden move from Murphy — him taking a step back, she'd managed to see — made her move, too. So she didn't really see anything after that.

She could imagine, though, what those words did to him.

She nodded to herself before going in.

"Morning" she quietly mumbled as she made her way to the coffee machine.

"Oh, good morning, sleepyhead" Murphy said.

His tone was normal, and a look at him confirmed Clarke's expectations.His expression was unreadable. She knew Murphy well enough to know when he was upset and when he wasn't, even if he never let anyone see through him.

"Morning Clarke," Raven said, smiling at her, "I'm going to shower."

And then Raven walked out of the kitchen and her and Murphy stayed alone.

She didn't talk much the morning, and he didn't talk much, end. And the silence between them wasn't uncomfortable, nor embarrassing.

Clarke had actually almost forgotten about his presence — focused on reading the news on her phone and sipping her coffee — when he actually talked.

"I heard you and Bellamy slept together."

She felt her heart missing a beat for a millisecond before realizing what he actually meant.

"Not that we had much of a voice. Drunk Murphy seems to appreciate Raven's presence" she said, not taking her eyes off the screen.

"I know she told you" he suddenly said.

Clarke lifted her head and met Murphy's eyes across the table, "Who told me what?"

"Raven..." he began, "about us having sex. And the whole thing."

Clarke nodded. For a few minutes, she considered going back to her breakfast.

Or walking out of the kitchen and just smiling at him a see you later. 

But she couldn't, because she knew how he felt. And most of all, sheknew what it meant to screw everything with the person she loved. Push them away, ruin things just because you're scared. Your head exploding. Your heart aching. All of it.

"You should be clear with her, Murphy"

Murphy looked back at her, moving his lost gaze from the inside of his full cup of tea. He didn't say anything for a while, before the words actually formed in his mouth.

"I don't know what you're talking about" he blurred out.

She let him get up and push his chair back under the table, but right before he walked past the door, Clarke talked again.

She used a calm tone. She wanted him to understand hers wasn't a warning, or a complain. But an advice from someone who just wanted the best for her friends.

"Just..." a beat, then "I know you're scared. I know you're terrified to death... trust me, I know the feeling. But I also know what it means to live without the person you love. And trust me, you don't want to do that. You might think that risking is a reckless move, why ruining a friendship because of some feelings?" Clarke got up, walking toward him. She didn't force him to look at her, and instead, she just walked past him to the door, "but do you know what's way worse than being reckless? Being a coward. And I have been... and I'm paying the price every day. Don't be a coward, Murphy." she smiled at him, genuinely.

And didn't wait for an answer before walking back to her room.

* * *

She took his hoodie off. And left it in his room. 

She'd found Bellamy outside by the pool with Jasper, Monty and Miller.

When she went outside after changing in her bikini, she'd found out it was a sunny, hot day. And that almost everyone was around the pool sunbathing and swimming.

She walked past Jasper and Monty first, and only then the smell of weed made its way inside her nostrils. It was strong just like she remembered, and she hadn't smoked one in forever.

"I see you brought it here, too" Clarke stopped by and glanced briefly at Bellamy.

He had sunglasses on, so he couldn't really figure out if he was looking at her. But looking that he might have, and that she was half naked, that did bring a fair enough of shivers running up and down her body.

"Wanna have a puff, Griffin?" Jasper asked while raising an eyebrow at her.

Clarke imitated him, hesitating a few seconds.

But, hell, she was there to have fun, and she had honestly forgot the last time she smoked a blunt considering she couldn't smoke in Boston.

Her throat burned a little and she smiled right afterwards, blowing out the smoke.

"Yeeeeees!" Jasper yelled, excited, and then laughed with Monty by her side.

Clarke smiled at them, shaking her head.

But once again, her eyes went to Bellamy.

"You alright there?" she tilted her chin at him.

"Yeah..." he half smiled, not moving from his position, "Just in heaven right now, I think" he grinned, and Clarke bursted into a laughter.

"Alright, I'm gonna go check on the girls"

"Bisexual power! Yes!" Jasper yelled.

Clarke snorted loudly, "Check _on_ the girls, not check them _out,_ Jasper!"

"I don't careeee!”

And then she heard Bellamy echoing Jasper's laughter. And she wondered if that was how it felt when everything was still right between them.

Harper and Raven were playing ping pong when she joined them.

"Do you want to make a bet?" Harper said.

Raven spun her head to the blonde's direction, evidently interested. "What kind of bet?”

"If I win..." Harper teased, cocking her head to the side, "you fix my car everytime I need without complaining"

"I already do that! For all of you."

"She's not wrong" Clarke said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Well do you have a better one? Something you want to ask her?" Harper said, turning her face to Clarke this time.

"Maybe something that has to do with a certain someone" she smirked, and that was enough to make Harper grin.

"She's right... you know damn well who! And you prob—"

Harper got interrupted by Miller, who walked out of the house with a big black speaker connected to his phone, out of which the music came out loud and clear.

She saw Octavia rising to her feet and start to dance with Niylah, followed by two very high Jasper and Monty who were laughing and smiling.

Bellamy was not laid down anymore, but he was in the pool instead, and she saw the way his hand passed through his wet curls.

Murphy came out of nowhere from behind the girls, and almost pushed Clarke to the side to run and dive in the pool right after, causing a lot of water being splashed all around them.

They all giggled at that. They were just having fun. They were just young people having fun.

And Clarke felt like she, too, deserved some of that after all.

So she took Raven's and Harper's hands and ran to the pool with them, jumping in the water right after.

"That was a hell of a dive, Griffin!" Murphy shouted from the other end of the pool.

She just laughed and nodded at him but before she could speak, Raven came out of the water.

"My god! I had my sunglasses on!" she laughed, "Could've warned me, Clarke"

"Where would be the fun in that, then?"

Raven held her middle finger up but smiled lightly.

Clarke locked eyes with Bellamy a couple of times in the pool, but she could see nothing but two eyes looking at her. Nothing behind that, nothing that could suggest her whatever he was thinking about that.

He was good at it, she needed to give him that, but that didn't mean she liked it.

Some more people joined them in the pool later, and they brought drinks and snacks for everyone on board of the pool. And that's how they spent the entire morning and afternoon: dancing, joking, laughing, slashing water.

Humming to the songs' Miller's playlist had and simply enjoying a weekend. Like everything was before Clarke left.

She'd asked herself several times if they'd ever come back to that, before, and now that they almost were there, she found herself asking herself if she actually deserved that.

* * *

That night, their second and last night there, they decided to do a barbecue.

Some of them took care of it, while the others settled the table and made sure everything was ready.

Clarke didn't exchange many words with Bellamy after the night before except that brief conversation during the day, but she wasn't sure she wanted to anyway.

They all ate at the table and then moved outside, in the garden. Some of them laid down on the beach chairs, others on the grass.

Emori and Harper played ping pong, while Clarke decided to lay down on the grass with Raven and the others and look at the stars.

It was calm, everyone was serene, and the atmosphere was really good. She had forgotten what it felt like, and she had missed it, with every fiber of her being.

Jasper was humming a song on the notes of what Miller was playing with his guitar, and her eyes, tired but happy ones, went to look for Bellamy.

They hadn't had sex in the house, because their friends were around and it's not like they'd found a moment to be alone yet. Except one, but they were both wasted and had decided to instead talk. She thought it was for the best; she didn't know what she would've done if they would have somehow been caught. 

She found Bellamy laying on the hammock. His eyes weren't closed — actually, they were wide open and he was staring at the same sky she was staring at just some seconds before.

She sighed to herself, because she wanted to know what was going on in his mind in that moment.

But when he turned his head to glance at her, her heart actually missed a beat. He caught her staring already, and she admitted his grin pissed her off. But that was her fault, that she couldn't look away.

Bellamy sat up on the hammock, and waved her to come.

Clarke swallowed.

She found herself fighting — fighting between listening to her head or ignoring that to follow her heart, but Bellamy was staring, and she was panicking inside, and there was no way she would've let him see that.

So she nodded to herself. And made her way to him.

"Hey" he quietly said when she sat down next to him.

"Hi" she said back, and for a while, he didn't answer.

They both stayed in a sacred silence, sweeping their eyes to their friends in front of them.

Clarke wasn't sure if this was a twisted way of telling her he wanted to go have sex in some room now that everyone was busy, or an actual step forward after what she had said to him the previous night.

Her apologies.

The way she'd repeated she was sorry over and over. 

"Today it was fun"

Clarke blinked. "Yeah" she said, "It was. It's been a while"

"It really is..."

Clarke sighed, feeling the tension around him, "Listen—"

"I wanted to ask you something" Bellamy interrupted her.

Clarke's heart thrummed once against her help chest, hard.

"Okay"

"Yesterday..." Bellamy began, keeping his eyes on the others, "if they'd dared you to kiss me, would you really have done that?"

Clarke's answer was yes.

And she didn't know why.

Or actually, she did, she did know why, but she knew she shouldn't have felt comfortable with it. They were not together anymore, and whatever they had, it was limited to the bedroom.

They didn't kiss outside of sex, that was a rule they did not say out loud but that they both knew existed. So she knew, yes, but at the same time she had no idea.

It's not like they had laid down rules about them, either. They weren't exclusive, because they never said they were.

But the idea of Bellamy kissing someone else, even among their friends, of idea of them being able to see other people, be intimate with other people, kiss other people— 

"I just think I wouldn't have backed away. So yeah, I would've. It was just a dare after all, right? Plus, I told you I wouldn't have, just like you said you wouldn't have either"

Bellamy barely nodded, "So that's the only reason, right?"

Clarke forced herself to look straight in front of her. She felt like she would've given in if she'd stared at him instead.

"It is." she lied. More to herself.

No one said anything for a few minutes. Only then, Bellamy nodded to himself, "Alright”

She wasn't sure what was going on through his mind, and not being able to figure it out, to know it just like she did months ago... just like she saw through him once, drove her absolutely crazy.

She turned her face to him just some seconds later. "Have you thought about what I said last night?"

Bellamy didn't answer right away, and she wasn't sure it was because he hadn't thought about it, because he had already forgotten it, or simply because he didn't care to talk about that enough.

But then his adam's apple bopped in his throat.

"I have" he began, turning to face her again, "And I appreciate your apologies."

The moonlight was shining on his face. Clarke resisted the urge to grab it and kiss him on the lips.

She'd lost the count of how many times she'd refrained from doing it in the last two days.

"Can I tell you something?"

Clarke nodded. "Sure you can"

Bellamy wetted his lips in silence.

"Octavia... she's never been happy about how your relationship has ended up, I hope you know that"

Clarke knew she didn't have the right to be upset about it. So she bottled everything she felt when talking about that specific topic up and just nodded at Bellamy.

He went on, "I know you think she doesn't give a fuck about you, but you're wrong. She does. And, God, she's been... really upset about how your friendship ended after..."

He trailed off, but she thought it was for the best.

"I never meant to hurt you" Clarke whispered. And she knew that Bellamy would understand that with you she meant him and his sister.

"I know" he coldly said, "She just doesn't want me to suffer again, you know?"

She did know, "Of course. And I can't blame her, Bellamy. I never have"

She heard him sighing heavily, letting out an exhale.

Since they were in the mood for deep conversations, Clarke figured that might have been the right time to let out something she had been holding in for a while.

"Bellamy..." she started. But then didn't continue. She just trailed off, and he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

Clarke shook her head, tugging her lips in a polite smile.

"I need to ask you something. But, can you promise me you're going to be one hundred percent honest about it?

Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows together, taking some seconds to think about it.

He didn't have to, Clarke thought. He didn't owe her anything. 

Yet, he nodded, just once, "I will."

"Why..." Clarke wetted her lips, "Why were you so upset the night of my welcome back party?" she begun, "What happened? I know... I know it wasn't only because of me. Don't ask me how, but I just... know. I know you, and I know something's wrong. And I can't ask Octavia. So... what's wrong? What happened?"

Clarke saw him tensing up at that. He looked like he froze for a second, then blinked a few times and swallowed thickly.

His muscles tended up, too, and when Clarke moved her hand to place it on his shoulder he pulled away.

"Sorry" he muttered, and she tenderly shook her head.

"It's okay. You.. don't have to talk to me about it. I just want to make sure you're ok—"

"I'm sorry, I'm tired" he said, tugging his lips in a definitely fake smile.

He got up.

Yeah, she definitely had touched a weak spot with that. "Goodnight, Clarke"

And then the last thing Clarke saw, was him getting back into the house.

Whatever thing she'd just asked, it wasn't just about her. It was big, and it was upsetting him, and she just wanted to help him.

But she didn't know how.

And that hurt her.

Because he didn't deserve more pain.

She sighed. And felt her heart clenching a little bit at the way his voice had slightly cracked right before giving her a goodnight.

Maybe she should've let it go. That would have been the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, Clarke just could not see the people she cared about in pain.

She laid down where he previously had been laid and watched the stars covering the dark black night sky.

"Goodnight" she quietly mumbled to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	6. All you had to do was stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT TW: there's a mention of alcholism and pills addiction at the end of the chapter, so as a death mention. There are also references to mental health issues. All of these are not too explicit, but if you think you might be triggered, please stay safe.
> 
> (title of the chapter is from All you had to do was stay - Taylor Swift)

_# five_ _months before # _

_"Are you kidding us?" Raven's lips arched in the biggest smile ever. "Clarke! Oh my god, This is huge!" she cheered._

_Everyone complimented her and told her how happy they were for her._

_"Yeah, that's a great news, Griffin." Murphy remarked. He lightly smiled at her and in that smile Clarke had seen their friendship slowly being saved._

_He still was half mad at her, he still was disappointed, and he'd told her that. But he also knew both of her and Bellamy had made mistakes and he did not want to pick a side and act childish. Sure, he came to that conclusions more or less eight months later, but Clarke'd thought he would've never, so that was still a huge relief for her. He'd told her he wanted to try and save their friendship, but only after telling her how much he valued his and Bellamy's. He'd told her — and Clarke did expect this — that Bellamy would've always come first — and that seemed more than fair to her. So she'd promised him that that wouldn't have damaged his and Bellamy's friendship, or at least that she would've done anything to keep that authentic. And so they agreed. And after all, Murphy was genuinely happy for her._

_"Yeah," she laughed awkwardly, and then ran a hand through her hair when she felt her cheeks going red. "It really is. I just wanted to tell you guys, so that you— know."_

_"I'd say, we toast. To Clarke." Harper said, lifting her Moscow Mule and smiling at her. "And this big opportunity for her."_

_Everyone followed — everyone at that table, anyway, which included Murphy, Raven, Harper, Monty, Jasper and Emori. Everyone else, which included Miller, Octavia and, of course, Bellamy, did not speak to Clarke at all._  
_She didn't blame them, though. She couldn't._

_(The situation did not change a lot some months later, but at least, they had been kind enough to come to her welcome back party.)_

_"So are you going to accept?" Monty asked._

_"I still don't know," Clarke shrugged. "there are a lot of variables to consider."_

_"Isn't this like your dream?" Murphy asked from his seat, an arm thrown over Raven's shoulder and a hand wrapped around his glass._

_He surely had a point. That was all she'd ever wanted and more since when her mother had died and she'd had the courage to follow her own dream. "It is." she answered. "There just is... a lot to think about, I guess."_

_"That is for sure, but we all believe in you, yeah?" Harper voice was soft._

_"Hell yeah we do." Emori bursted out, and Clarke suddenly felt more confident about her choice than she'd ever felt._

That was something she _really_ needed to hear.

_Later during the night — spent between cheap drinks and laughs — things got kinda messed up._

_Because Bellamy arrived, and because she did not expect that, and because she was already fucking stressed about his possible and totally reasonable reaction about her going away._

_Again._

_For the second time._

_And she knew they were nothing now, that they hadn't spoken to each other more than a sentence and a half since months before, but she still felt the pain of leaving him inside her bones and she was not sure she could've borne it all again. Even if they were nothing, even if they were strangers, even if he possibly didn't care about her anymore or hated her._

_Clarke, leaned on the counter with her arms and waiting for the tablet of drinks for her friends, did not see him when he arrived._

_He worked there, but not that night, so she did not expect it when she turned her head and found him next to her, handing his apron to one of his coworkers._

_"Hey, Clarke," Monroe said with a smile on her lips. She started preparing the drinks she'd ordered and Clarke spun her head back to her. "I heard about Boston. We'll miss ya, that's for sure, but huge congratulations!"_

_Fuck._

_"Uhm, yeah, thank you. Thanks." As much as she wanted, she didn't have the strength to smile._

_Clarke did not have time to think it through because as Bellamy turned his head to her, her barriers were down. They were down and she was totally, completely defenseless and vulnerable. She would've wanted to say something — anything, really — but she just swallowed._

_He did not say a thing. He turned his head again and just waited for his coworker._  
_Bellamy just stood there and, for an instant, Clarke actually thought he did not hear that._

_But when he pulled away from the counter and tapped it twice with his hands — in a very, very frustrated way — her hope crashed down._

_"It's..." she swallowed. "It's four months. I'm- I'm going for a competition."_

_"I did not recall asking you any further information, did I?" Bellamy spat out, not looking at her and waiting for his coworker to bring him something he evidently was there for._

_Clarke looked away and sucked in a breath._  
_"I'm sorry."_

_"What for?" he asked. And she froze on spot._

_Kinda sucked how that was the longest conversation they'd had in months._

_"For everything." she gasped out. "For— I don't know. I just— am." she was breathing heavily._

_"You don't have to apologize to me. You're not leaving me, that already happened." his voice was colder than ice._

_She didn't know what hurt the most: the fact that what once used to be the warmest tone he reserved for her had turned into... that, or that he did not have the courage to look at her._

_She didn't know it, but she did know she deserved both._

_Bellamy's coworker showed up again and his hand was fast to take a pile of papers and turn to her._

_He was looking at her now, but it was not any better for her._  
_"Good, go," he slowly nodded. "That's what you're good at, anyway." he swept his hand across the counter before taking a step back and turning around, headed to the exit._

_She watched him go, without following him like once she would have done. But she did not come back to her friends either._

_That night, she spent it crying._

_*_

  
_ # now #_

There was something Clarke used to do with her dad when she was nine.

Jake was an engineer, and he often found himself with projects to study.   
Many of these projects were often given to him by people who worked for very important companies, and most of them were spacial aeronautics' engineering stuff.   
So for a nine years old Clarke, her dad used to study the stars and the sky.   
The planets all around the Earth.   
The moon and the sun.   
And it wasn't rare for him to bring his daughter to his studio, where he jealously guarded a very old telescope. And it wasn't rare for him to let her use it either.

Clarke adored it: she adored letting Jake explain her how to use it and where to look for the Pole star.

" _The entire northern sky moves around it_ ," Jake used to say, smiling at his daughter, " _You can see it being located nearly at the north celestial pole, which is the point around which the entire northern sky turns."_

Clarke used to listening to Jake talking about everything he knew. And the moment of the week in which he found a small free space in his very busy agenda to fit Clarke's visit in, was the best one for Clarke.

Still to that day, after several years, watching the sky was calming to her.

She knew, somewhere around the northern star, her dad was there; watching her, whispering how proud of her he was.  
If only she could talk to him, she'd ask him what to do.   
She knew he would have the correct answer.

And exactly the night after their return from Miller's pool villa — once she was back home — after almost two full nights spent under the stars — Clarke didn't have enough of them yet. And so, she packed her stuff and drove straight to the beach not far from her apartment.

She'd walked to the sand when it was already dark around and brought a towel to lay on.  
She was alone, and she didn't care.

She stayed there for an hour before heading back to the apartment and finally setting in for sleeping; but, even then, she could not gain sleep at all.   
Something kept her away, a little voice in the back of her head, whispering to be by Bellamy's side.

She only fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, and thanked god that her class had been cancelled that day.

* * *

Emori and Luna were going super strong, even more after the weekend they'd spent away.

Raven had talked to her the night Clarke was at the beach, and she'd later referred that they had finally decided for a stable relationship. That surely made her happy, knowing her friend was.

And the morning later, Emori had woken her two roommates up with an invitation to a party Luna was throwing at her place — her parent's place that she very often used for parties since it was a very large house with an even bigger garden — to make hers and Emori's friends finally meet.

"This is exciting! It means you two are really going strong, huh" Raven had commented.

Clarke had smiled smiled softly, "If you want us to be there, we will."

"Thank you, guys. This means a lot to me."

Clarke made her way to the kitchen to sip some coffee before actually trying and start the day.

Her luggage with clothes was still by the doorframe of her bedroom and apart from taking a shower and check her latest emails, she hadn't done a lot after coming back home. But she had been home for just a day after all, so she told herself she still had time for it.

That day, she reorganized her wardrobe since the weather started getting warmer and warmer day by day. Her day was spent between her laundry and her wardrobe, but in the late afternoon she decided to go out with Harper and Monty.

They went shopping, while Clarke simply stayed by their side and enjoyed some time at the mall. She drank a milkshake and happily laughed at the ugly shirts Harper had picked for Monty.

And it was serene, a calming day for her to be spent with two of her closest and best friends.

At exactly _7 PM_ , they decided to drive home, so Clarke got in her car and started it, ready to go back home after a tiring but fun day.

Clarke sat on the driver seat and closed the door. She wore her seatbelt, completely lost in her thoughts. Yes, the day had been fun, yes, her mind got distracted a little, but now that she was all alone with her thoughts again, things weren’t good.

She had been trying to keep it together for a while by then, even since before she left for Boston, but things in her life weren't as good as one would expect.  
Her classes were stressful and her mental health didn't help her with it. She couldn't focus anymore because of it, and it was hard to keep up even if she was studying what she loved.   
She missed her dad terribly, more than she would've wanted to admit, and her mother's words right before he died were still haunting her, living in her worst nightmares when she woke up all sweat and with shortness of breath.   
Sure. had obtained a job she loved right after coming back from the competition, but Clarke was sure that was the only good thing of her life, but, again, that wasn't true. 

  
There was another one, one that brought her joy like nothing did and she was scared as hell of that admission. The thing that brought her joy had a name, and right when she was about to start the engine and go, her phone on the passenger seat lighted up and a notification popped up on her screen. And she read that name on it.

_**Bellamy Blake** _  
**_07:06 PM_ **  
_Apartment is empty, but not for long_

_**Bellamy Blake** _  
**_07:07 PM_ **  
_?_

She didn't make him ask her twice, of course.

* * *

Once she arrived to his place, he opened the door in just his sweatpants. She knew it was almost summer and the temperature was really warm those days, but still, the image of him walking around house naked made her feel something in her throat.

"Were you busy?" he asked, stepping to the side to let her walk in.

"If I had been, I wouldn't have come" Clarke shrugged her jacket off her and hung it on the wardrobe next to his door.

Bellamy nodded slowly, looking thoughtful as he closed the door.

"Did you have dinner already?" he then asked her, sweeping his eyes briefly over her.

Clarke saw the way his eyes lingered more on her legs - naked kegs, since for the first time in a lot of time she'd decided to wear a tight skirt - but she ignored it.

"I haven't, why?"

He shrugged, "I actually ordered pizza for me and Miller, but then he bailed me for Bryan and I called you, so right now, the delivery man is probably on his way"

Clarke raised an eyebrow, momentarily lost in her thoughts that were commenting the implications that his last sentence could've had.

"Are you asking me to eat with you?"

Bellamy smirked, but his eyes rolled in the back of his head, annoyed.

"I'm asking you if you're hungry" he crossed his arms in front of his chest and kept smirking, "I have pizza and a couch. We can also have sex and eat later" he shrugged.

Clarke turned to glance at his living room area. She never really noticed it but it smelled good. Not like him, but good.

"I like this idea more" she declared.

He smirked, closing the space between them with just a few steps before wrapping his arms around her waist, "Thought so."

Bellamy's kisses were hot, messy and deep, too, but she didn't mind it. His tongue met hers not long later, and teased the inside of her mouth lusciously. He slid his hands into her shirt and splayed them all over her spine, making her arch her back against him. Clarke did it, obviously, and pressed herself against his bare chest with all herself, breathing into his mouth shakily.

They simultaneously walked to his couch, not giving each other the possibility to look where they were heading. But that was fine, because Clarke's ankles touched his piece of furniture not long later, and so he threw themselves on them, positioning himself between her legs.

Bellamy's softly pushed his left knee between her legs, making Clarke's lips escape a gasp into his mouth. He bit her bottom lip, keeping it between his teeth's grip while she slid her hands through his soft curls and curled them around her fingers, pulling on them.

Bellamy's mouth traveled to her neck, placing wet kisses on Clarke's skin. She turns her head to the side to give him access, to let him taste her just like he loved to do.

Clarke's eyes's fell shut when he wrapped his lips around her pulse point's skin and sucked on it. A sweet moan escaped her lips and she couldn't help but throw her head against the pillow. She felt Bellamy's smirk against her flesh when she did that.

Her shirt was thrown away just a few minutes later just as her bra, and the feeling of both of their naked chests against each other's made them both exhale. While Bellamy's lips explored her skin, warmly running his tongue along her collarbone, Clarke felt heat cooling in her core.

Suddenly, Bellamy moved, sliding down on her body and hooking his arms under her knees, pushing her closer to his body, now laying on his stomach and looking up at her with lust.

She swallowed, taken aback by the sudden — hot — move, when he frowned lightly.

Clarke closed her eyes, but after two seconds, when she didn't feel anything, nor his hands taking her jeans off roughly like she'd expect him to, nor his mouth on her, so sweet and tender, she blinked them open again. Bellamy was staring at her, and she had to take a few breathes before talking.

"Yes?"

"Are...are you alright?" Bellamy sat up, giving her a pitiful look that, she knew, he himself hated.

"Why are you asking me this question?"

Bellamy cocked his head slightly to the side, a look on his face that told her she knew the answer already.   
"Because I know you, Clarke"

Damn yes, he did.

She felt like sighing. Heavily.  
Suddenly, she didn't feel turned on anymore,  
but just naked, and not because most of her clothes were on the floor again.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be" Bellamy shook his head, understanding. He took her shirt from the floor and handed it to her, which made Clarke arch the corner of her lip in a genuine soft smile.

"Thank you..."

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to..." Bellamy said, sitting down next to her.

Clarke wore her shirt, "No, no it's not that... I- I want this... I want _you."_

"Okay" he quietly murmured, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Clarke turned to look at him, looking thoughtful. She thought about the time where they shared each other's worry, doubt, pain, sure that they would understand. She didn't know if that was still the case, but something that came up in her mind suggested her that it wasn't.

"You don't wanna talk to me about your problems..."

Bellamy's expression tensed up, and he sighed. He turned his gaze away, sweeping his eyes over his furniture and Clarke regretted it immediately.

"I'm sorry... my god, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have talked about this again... and you don't need to tell me anything, I know that, I don't know why I said this."

"Look, Clarke," he began, turning his gaze on her one again "It's not that. I'm just not ready to talk about it, okay? Not... with you, I'm not ready to talk about it in general. And if you aren't either, that's fine too. We can just... eat the pizza like we agreed on, and watch something... if you'd like."

Clarke felt warm in his tone, and even more in his words. It reminded her a lot of how he used to talk to her back in the days.

"I would love to" she said, with a small smile on her lips.

The delivery man arrived and he brought two pizzas and beers. They put on a very bad movie that Bellamy ended up hating, but for Clarke it wasn't that bad.

Bellamy leaned over and took her second beer out of her hands when the first part of the movie ended.   
"I think you've had enough, you've been laughing for no reason the whole time" he instructed while getting up.

"What? No!" Clarke protested, grabbing his arm to keep him beside her, "The movie is funny and you know that!"

"Not _that_ funny, Clarke" he smirked.

Clarke pouted. "Give me the beer, Bellamy"

"Is that a request or a demand?"

"It's a request because you know damn well I can take it from your hands anytime..."

Bellamy bursted into a loud laughter, "This was the funniest thing you've ever said, I think"

She narrowed her eyes at him and then, he finally surrendered, handing her the beer.

"You're not driving home after this, I hope you know that"

"It's alright" she waved off, "I'll call an uber"

"Or I can just drive you home" he shrugged.

Clarke glanced at him, eyes shining and lips arched in something that resembled very much of a melancholic smile.

"I'm sorry you called me here to— have sex and we didn't. I know you expected that and nothing else, I don't think I should—"

Bellamy sighed. "Clarke... don't. Actually..." he looked around briefly, wetting his lips, "I missed this." he finally admitted, whispering.

Clarke's expression softened. She missed that, too, and so much more. But she didn't know it was mutual, because Bellamy never let anything be obvious to anyone.

At Clarke's silence, Bellamy interpreted it as an answer already. "Sorry. I shouldn't have..." he shook his head, clearing his throat.

"No." Clarke said, placing an hand on his arm.   
The contact burned underneath her fingers, so much she needed to take it away. The familiarity of that touch probably too much to handle.

"I... I missed this, too"

Bellamy relaxed his forehead and exhaled lightly.

A silence followed that, where no one really knew what to say or what to do after such a confession.  
Maybe, Bellamy was thinking exactly what Clarke was thinking: that the implications that admission had were much bigger than them.

Clarke took a full deep breath. "Truth is... I don't know what I'm doing with my life" she shrugged her shoulders. "I've been fighting for so long to be who I am, that I have... I think I have I have forgotten who I am in the first place. I thought Boston would've told me that, but instead it just confused me even more. Leaving was a bad choice in the first place, but I couldn't listen to it. And— don't get me wrong, I love our friends, and I'm glad I have a job I like... and all of that— it feels like I _should_ be happy. It _should_ be enough. So why isn't it enough?" She glanced at Bellamy, and he was already looking at her.

He furrowed his eyebrows together, shaking his head, "Maybe you just need to keep looking"

"For what?"

"For... that thing that makes you feel alive. That thing that _is_ enough for you" he shrugged.

Clarke blinked a few times.  
A lump formed in her throat at the realization.

She didn't need to find it, she just needed to have it back.

_It's you, idiot. It's you. You make me feel alive, I haven't felt this alive since I left you. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are—_

"Bellamy..." maybe it _was_ that simple....

"Yes?"

The moment Clarke opened her mouth, they heard the noise of keys in the door's lock. Bellamy turned his head to the door, relaxing his forehead. "Shit-"

"Didn't you say Miller was with Bryan?" Clarke asked.

"Yes, because he is. Maybe—"

Murphy's voice resonated through the walls as the door got opened, "Blake? I'm home! Did you order pizza? Because I can smell it from— oh" she stopped walking as soon as his eyes laid on them, chilling on the couch, not naked for once.

"Why am I exactly interrupting?" Murphy asked while closing the door behind him.

Clarke shrugged. "Us eating pizza?"   
Her tone was pretty normal, no panicked at all.

Their friend raised an eyebrow, glancing at Bellamy who just shrugged his shoulders in response.

"Last time you two hung out together like this, it was because you two were having sex. Exactly a week later we discovered you two were a thing and were dating. So, apologies for being confused" he held his hands in surrender but didn't talk more; he simply took his bags and headed to the kitchen.

"Wait, Murphy" Bellamy stood up, "You can't tell anyone"

"So you two _are_ having sex" he said, folding his arms in front of his chest.

Bellamyworkedon his jaw and looked at Clarke.   
She sighed, got up and joined the two. "We are" she admitted.

"Wow" Murphy just nodded, sweeping his eyes between two of his best friends, "I'm wondering if this story is gonna end just like it ended the first time"

"Murphy..."

"No, Clarke, don’t _Murphy_ me" a beat, then "You know you're my friend and I forgave you long time ago. You know I love you, but you damn well know what Bellamy went through." he got closer, looking down at her, an almost threatening look on his face, "If you hurt him again—"

"Enough." Bellamy interrupted. He separated them both, his eyes on his best friend, "I know what I'm doing, Murphy, I appreciate it, but I can take care of myself."

"You say this now, but you forgot the state you were in when Clarke left you and Miller and I were the only ones who brought you food here, huh?"

"Murphy... I don't want to hurt him" Clarke shook her head, trying to get closer to him, "Believe me. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do. That's not why.... this is not the reason why—"

"Why you're screwing him?" Murphy added, "Okay, cool, then what is it? Why are you doing this? Is this some kind of game for you, do you feel entitled—"

"Stop! Right now!" Bellamy's voice was louder than it had been, "I don’t want to hear this. Clarke, that's enough, thank you, and Murphy" he said, newly looking at him, "I'm an adult. Thank you for this, but I don't need it. Stop it, you two, and meet me in the kitchen when you've stopped acting like two teenagers" this said, Bellamy turned on his heels and walked to the kitchen, bringing the beer with him.

Clarke glanced at Murphy after that, seeing a neutral expression on his face. His jaw was tense, though, and she saw him swallowing. "I'm just saying... if he gets hurt because of you again... you're not getting forgiveness again"   
And he left after that, leaving her alone in the living room.

Clarke followed only after a few minutes. She walked into the kitchen only to find Bellamy and Murphy caught up in a conversation. But when she showed up, she was wearing her jacket and her shoes and had her bag with herself.  
"I'm gonna go home.” she announced.

Bellamy turned his head to glance at her. Murphy didn't, he just kept drinking his water like she wasn't there.  
"But... you drank. I'm gonna drive you" Bellamy said while walking towards her, but she stopped him.

"No, I'm gonna take a uber. I'm fine"

"Clarke..."

"I'm fine" she repeated.   
Lying had become so easy for her.

Only then, Murphy glanced at her.

She sighed, and turned around, walking to Bellamy's door.

Clarke heard footsteps behind her, and when she opened the door, a big hand from behind her slammed it closed again. She faced him, sighing.

"I'm sorry about that.”

"Why would you be? He was right." she shrugged. "I'm leaving, c'mon, just let me..."

"You shouldn't..." he whispered, almost begging.

It hurt her heart so much. She had to look at him again, but this time, she was looking into his eyes.

"Why not? I'm good at leaving, anyway." A beat, and then "isn't that what you said?"

Bellamy blinked. She could've sworn the way his expression changed had just stolen the air from the room.

But she didn't let it seem like she'd give much weight to her words. So she just turned around and left.

* * *

Luna's party turned out to be that Friday.

All of her friends were there and, according to what Raven had told her, most of Luna's were there too. Everyone was allowed to bring someone, but the main purpose of it all was to make Emori's friends meet Luna's.

That week, after the encounter with Bellamy on Monday, she didn't really do much apart from going to work and following her classes. She didn't do much except from her responsibilities.

Emori had gone to Luna's place earlier that morning to help her preparing everything, so her and Raven drove there pretty much around _7.00 PM_ , or rather the time everyone was told to show up at.

When walking inside, the first thing Clarke noticed was the atmosphere, (the music was already hearable from two blocks away).   
There were neon lights on the ceilings which made the room and the whole house look like a disco.

Clarke had chosen to wear a simple top that showed a lot of cleavage with some elegant but comfortable black pants, but looking around, she figured out most of the people there — only Luna's friends were around — were dressed either more elegant or classy.   
She felt out of place all of a sudden, when a warm touch on her forearm brought her back to reality.

"Hey, let's go see if the others are here yet, yeah? I don't see any of them around"  
Raven shouted loudly enough for her voice to cover the music.

Clarke nodded. "Emori said there's a garden, right? Let's go check"

They both headed to the outside space, wide and full of green and blue lights. The garden was well-finished and the smell of alcohol stirred around the place.

"There!"

Clarke followed Raven's pointer finger and, at the end of it, she recognized Harper and Jasper's faces.

As they got closer, though, she could see that Bellamy, Emori and Murphy were with them, too, next to a woman she did not recall knowing nor meeting before.

"Hey guys" Raven greeted them.

Murphy glanced at them, taking his eyes away from Bellamy who looked engaged in a conversation with the woman she hadn't recognized.   
She was, indeed, beautiful.   
She had prominent cheekbones and green eyes. Her curly red hair fell down her shoulders and behind her back, covering her back, left naked by the cropped top that showed her curves in a divine way. Without a doubt, that girl was beautiful. So much that it was hard to look away for a few seconds. And not only because it looked like her eyes shined every time she laughed at something Bellamy said.

It was Murphy who took her attention back.   
"Hey, listen... can we talk?"

Clarke frowned, looking at the friend with a confused look on her face. But it didn't pass long until she finally understood the tone Murphy was using. It all came back to her, that Monday night of that same week, the discussion she had with Murphy and — last but maybe the most important thing, that Murphy, now, knew.

They both walked further from the group, leaving Raven with the others and Bellamy still engaged in a conversation — probably so interesting that he didn't spare her a look.   
But, again, it was probably more because of the thing she'd said before leaving his apartment days ago.

"Look, Clarke..." Murphy began when they were finally far enough, "I wanted to apologize. I spoke with Bellamy and thought about what I said... that was a little bit harsh, and you didn't deserve it."

"Yes, I did."

"What?" he frowned.

She shrugged. "I deserved it. I know I messed up the last time Bellamy and I were together... you have all the rights to feel and talk to me in this way. I can't blame you, you're his best friend."

"And I'm your friend, too. And we already have been through that, haven't we? I'm saying..." he sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets, "I'm saying that you already apologized for all of that long time ago. We have been through that, and I know you would never hurt him on purpose. I just..." he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders.

A look flashed on his face, too brief for Clarke to figure out.   
She frowned.

"What?"

Murphy sighed again. He looked uncomfortable, maybe like he was trying the right words to say something he expected her to know already.

"I know you would never hurt him on purpose... but it doesn't mean you can't still hurt him. You have him in your fist, Clarke."

Clarke pulled her head back, "Excuse me?"

"C'mon, don't play dumb now. You won't think he's over what happened between you two-"

_I'm not over it, either._

"-and I know he can be very impulsive sometimes, and all of this—" Murphy waved around, "all of this between you two, it's something he can't stop, not even if he wanted to. Let alone if he doesn't."

She shifted on her place a little bit, putting weight on her right foot and then on her left one. It wasn’t like she didn't want to answer, she just didn't know what to say. Because she knew already that what Bellamy and she had started was something way bigger than the both of us, something way messier than anything they could handle. But she didn't really find it in her to care, nor when she had the opportunity — during the moments they met — to feel so good like she hadn't felt in months.

At her silence, her friend spoke again.

"Look... I'm not saying stop. Honestly, it's not even any of my business—"

"In fact, it is. Bellamy's your best friend..."

"It still isn't my business, Clarke. Bellamy's a grown ass adult, I'm not his baby sitter let alone his father. He can do whatever he wants and thinks it's right for him."

Clarke swept her eyes over his face.  
"Alright," she shrugged, "they weren't necessary, but thanks for the apologies anyways." she tugged her lips in a small smile that Murphy returned.

He nodded once and tapped on his own thighs with his hands twice before walking past her, headed to his friends again.

"Wait" Clarke said, turning around.

Murphy looked over his shoulder and stopped walking, shaking his head once, "Yes?"

Clarke blinked through her eyelashes twice, parting her lips to try and form the sentence, but Murphy smiled at her.

"Don't worry. I'm not telling anyone..."

Clarke exhaled, returning the smile. She watched Murphy go, and just when she did, her eyes laid on Bellamy.   
He wasn't talking with that woman anymore, whom now was having a conversation with Raven instead, like they knew each other.

Only then she noticed her attention had been so focused on the woman before, that she didn't give any to Bellamy.

Her eyes inspected his body. He was wearing a white flannel that complimented his skin tone in a delicious way, sleeves tugged up right before the elbow.

As her ears overheard one of the songs finishing and the notes of another one — one of her favorite ones — starting, she thought about going and talking to him. But she didn't know where they stood, especially after her pressing so much to know whatever was making him upset and then proceeding to remind him the words he'd told her some months ago.

_Good, go. That's what you're good at, anyway._

Before she could push the idea of talking to him away, she saw him walking to her instead. Her heart missed a beat because she didn't expect him to want to listen to her, let alone be the one to start the conversation.  
Bellamy stopped in front of her. His expression was tough but she could see how his eyes weren't at all.

She wetted her lips. "Hey..."

"Hey..." he started, sighing lightly. "I'm sorry about... Monday"

Clarke blinked, relaxing her forehead. "I actually— wanted to say I am sorry, too"

He imitated her, relaxing his forehead at her words. "For what?"

"For what I said... How I acted. I shouldn't have... said that. It wasn’t my place to remind you that. And the fight with Murphy— it was all unnecessary."

"I talked to him already... he said he would apologize to you"

Clarke pulled her head back. So he was the one behind Murphy's sudden kindness towards her. It all made sense then, but at the same time, she felt even more confused. Bellamy had really done that? Taken her sides after what she'd done to him?

"He already apologized," she admitted, sweeping her eyes over his face, "You talked to him?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't like seeing you two fighting."

"I don't like fighting with him, either.”

"And about what you said..." Bellamy said, "I wanted to apologize for- my words, too. I know it's been long time ago by now, but I didn't have the right to talk to you in that way, you were just following your dream and I practically snapped at you for no reason at all other than me being upset about our breakup, like an idiot. That was uncalled for and I hope you can forgive me for that."

That surprised Clarke. She had to take a few seconds before thinking about an answer that could describe her thoughts.

"Bellamy, you don't need to apologize for that. Really."

He flashed her a soft, small, but genuine smile. "Still."

She felt like smiling, too. She bit on her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling too much, and at a certain point she was half sure her cheeks had betrayed her, showing an unusual but soft redness.

He must have seen it, as his smile became wider.   
"Do you wanna go get something to drink?"

A lump formed in her throat. He was so kind to her, after everything she'd done. She didn't feel like she deserved it, but she was so grateful for this, grateful for him still being on her life, that she could not help but exhale, nodding. "Yes, I would love to."

They headed inside the house again, back in the kitchen to get a drink.   
Clarke picked a glass of wine to swallow through her dry throat, while Bellamy picked water.

"Really? Water, Bellamy?" she exclaimed, "At this point just yell you're underage everywhere"

"Shut up" he laughed, shaking his head, "I need to drive"

"Oh," Clarke said, frowning, "I thought you all came with Murphy's car?"

"Yeah, with Murphy car that I drove" Bellamy snorted, "tonight it's my turn so everyone else can drink"

Clarke smirked, "Well, I'm sorry about that...

"Yeah don't tell me that."

The kitchen was not crowded since everyone was either in the garden or in the large living room area, dancing around and playing games.  
Only a couple got in while Bellamy and Clarke were drinking and talking, but they grabbed a few bottle of beers and left right away.

Before Clarke could notice it, Bellamy was standing closer to her, the space between their bodies almost non existent. And she felt pressed against the counter, his body warm against hers.

"So..." Clarke began, letting the alcohol just swallowed make her brave, "I really like your flannel. It compliments your skin." she admitted.

Bellamy flashed her a shy smile. "Thank you," he said, and then continued, "I really like your top"

Clarke bit her bottom lip, letting the grin that was groaning on her lips show.   
"You like how low-necked it is..."

"And what did I say, again?"

Clarke let out a breathy laughter.  
Bellamy's eyes flickered down and gazed at her lips.

She knew that the mess she was getting into was huge. She knew damn well the consequences the deal her and Bellamy had agreed on could've or — more luckily — would've involved. But in that moment, she simply chose to ignore them. Or - better - she ignored them, not as a lucid decision, but simply as a need. And Bellamy's eyes on her had always felt like a mix of sensations that made her head dizzy and her heart beat faster, so - in the heat of that moment - she just couldn't find it in her to understand how wrong or messy it was.   
That was why she lifted her face up, almost like a needy move, and kissed him.

Bellamy's mouth was warm as he returned the kiss in the same way, needing and almost frantically. He battled his tongue against hers, letting his glass stay on the counter behind Clarke's body and using his hands tp instead grip her hips.

She slid her hands on his neck, and the behind, wrapping her arms around it and pulling him closer to her, making him close the few centimeters that separated them.

It was the scary echo of a sudden and loud voice that made them pull away. But as soon as they did, Clarke realized it was just a loud laughter coming from the the dance floor.

Bellamy's eyes met hers, and she blinked a few times.   
She felt embarrassed by how much her cheeks were red - or at least she felt like they were.   
His lips were swollen and she could just imagine hers looked like that, too.

Bellamy took his hands off her not so long later, and simply took a step back.

He glanced around, and his face looked thoughtful for a second.

His tone, on the contrary, was calm instead. And she knew she couldn't blame it on the alcohol either. "I'm gonna check what the others are doing... join it you want"

She nodded.

But when he left, she bit her bottom lip harder. 

* * *

They didn't kiss outside of sex.

That was one of the few rules they'd laid out without really talking about them out loud. But it was obvious they didn't, yet they had just broke it completely.

Clarke felt something stir in her lower gut at thought of it, at the thought of having just ruined everything completely, but Bellamy hadn't seemed to mind at all. He had returned the kiss and didn't act weird after it; in fact, he had been acting really normally and kind around her, which - as much as she liked it and as much as she had desired it before - weirded her out.

She found him outside with the others. Everyone she left was still there, expect from the mysterious girl she didn't know, but instead Monty and Miller had arrived, too.

She greeted them with a smile and a brief gesture of her hand before joining them, sipping on her drink and looking around the area.

Only then she noticed how many people there actually were: it should've been a small party destined to make two group of friends meet for the first time, but it actually looked like a big party American style.

Luna joined them right in that moment, walking bare feet on the green lawn. So Clarke figured it could be the right occasion to satisfy her curiosity.

"Hey," she urged, "Can I ask you why so many people are here? Do you have so many friends?" she asked, smiling politely at her.

Luna flashed her a soft smile, and shook her head. "Oh no, definitely not." she said. "But I actually told every one to bring anyone they wanted, so I guess they took it literally" she smiled. Then Luna titled her chin at her, "Did you being anyone?"

How to tell her she didn't have anyone outside of this group of friends?   
That she had almost gone off a whole month and counting without phones calls nor texts from anyone right after losing all their respect because of breaking up with Bellamy?   
She opted for a shorter answer.

"No, I didn't."

Luna kept smiling, shrugging her shoulders.   
"Well, I hope you guys will have a good time."

"Thank you, Luna" Clarke said, and when the friend walked back from when she came from, she turned around to her friends again.

"So do you guys really think they're something? I vote for boyfriend and boyfriend" Jasper said.

"Boyfriend and boyfriend my dick, those two are definitely in a relationship" Murphy countered, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Bellamy snorted, "I'm with Jasper on that one, you can see they clearly don't know what personal space is. That's not how you that just share sex act."

Murphy turned his head and glanced at Bellamy, looking thoughtful. But he didn't say anything, and a quick gaze at everyone else made the first one look away again.

"Whatever they are," Bellamy began, "They're definitely not just friends."

"Gay" that was all Emori muttered with a smirk on her lips, and half of her friends bursted into a laughter.

"Definitely" Miller added.

Clarke tugged her lips in a smile and shook her head.

They all headed to the table at the center of the garden some minutes later, to grab some snack to eat next to the alcohol.

* * *

Luna made them all meet her friends. She didn't lie to Clarke, she really didn't have many friends.

Her group was formed by seven people her included, but Clarke remembered clearly two of them who Luna mentioned being her best childhood friends.

The house started getting emptier at _02.00 AM_ , but many people stayed there past that time even if the atmosphere utterly changed.

They changed the music from a loud disco-like music to what Clarke recalled was the entire Coldplay's discography, probably. They turned the neon lights off and many people stopped drinking and playing. Some were laying around — either in the living room area's couches and soft carpets or in the garden's couches and armchairs, while some of them simply put towels on the lawn and laid down there.

Walking back into the garden after using the bathroom, Clarke spotted Murphy and Raven lying down on a towel, sharing it.

She blinked a few times.   
She didn't know the latest updates of their relationship - at least not after the weekend they spent at Miller's villa - but she figured something had shifted in their dynamic because that wasn't the first time she'd seen them so close to each other that night.

Raven was wrapping her hand around Murphy's right forearm when she'd come back from the kitchen, and later in the night, when Luna had introduced them her group, she'd seen Murphy and Raven whispering something into each other's ears like some ill-mannered teenagers.   
It was good to see them like this, though.

And right when she grasped a wide smile on Raven's lips, Murphy was kissing her. He was kissing her hard and Raven was returning it like she needed to breathe his own air.  
Murphy's hand went on the thin strings of green grass around their towel spread open underneath them, and Raven wrapped her arms around him. She caught a couple of smile in between the kiss, and she had to shake her head to herself. She was happy for them. Really happy.

"I don't know what to say, other than that it was just a matter of time before they'd kiss again." His voice, obviously, was unmistakable.

She recognized him immediately.

"You think so?" she asked, not taking her eyes off Murphy and Raven who were still kissing.

"I do. They're two idiots who have no idea how to handle or talk about feelings."

Only then, Clarke realized how she had been creepily staring at them the whole time.

"Do you wanna lay down?" Bellamy's voice was the first thing she heard after coming back from the thoughts that were slowly forming in her brain while staring at two of her best friends being happy together.

"On the grass?"

Bellamy chuckled. "On a towel" he then added, holding a folded towel in his hand.

At first, she froze on spot. It just kept being weird - him being constantly kind to her the last few days. She blinked a few times, and then finally nodded, giving in.

He spread the towel on a spot not too far from the others and then sat down on it. Clarke looked at him first, before imitating him and occupying the spot next to him on the towel.

She frowned lightly.   
Being so close to him, so close to him and being able to touch him but knowing she actually could not do that — or at least not in the way she wanted to, even though the kiss they shared in the kitchen had confused her — hurt in a different kind of way.  
It was a different kind of pain in any sense. Because he was there, and he was trying to be nice to her for whatever reason and she felt like she didn't deserve it.

"Bellamy?"

He turned his head to her again, looking away from whatever had caught his attention.   
"Yes?"

"Why are you acting like this?"

He furrowed his eyebrows together. "What?"

"Like—" she swallowed, shifting on the towel to turn her body to his. "You're being really nice. And- kind. We're not fighting... we're genuinely spending time together after a year. And that kiss..."

Clarke trailed off.

Bellamy smiled, but, really, it was a sad one. It definitely didn't reach his eyes.   
"I thought that was what you wanted. Us being in good terms."

"It is!" Clarke rushed out, a little frantic and probably with a pleading tone, too — but she didn't care in that moment — "It is, Bellamy. I'm not saying I don't like it, I just- I don't understand why. Why... when I hurt you. Terribly."

Bellamy's expression softened. His eyes and the way they were looking at her reminded her of the way he'd looked at her when - more than a year ago - he'd told her he loved her and her heart had thrummed hard against her chest, leaving her breathless for a handful of seconds.

But that time was different, because now she knew he could never love her. Not after what happened.

His lips parted for a second before he closed them again. And it was brief but Clarke didn't miss whatever flashed through his eyes when he — obviously, evidently — decided to not say whatever he was about to.

"Because I'm tired of fighting with you." he finally declared.

"I'm tired of that, too..."

"And the kiss... you kissed me and kissed you back, Clarke, and that was— that was great, really" he admitted, "but— maybe we really shouldn't kiss outside of... sex"

He shrugged his shoulders and she nodded.

It was almost funny, if she considered how they actually hadn't had sex in a while by then.

"Sure, yeah. You're right. I'm— I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have in the first place"

"That's fine, don't worry about that." he reassured her, "Hey, do you want to know something?"

Clarke raised an eyebrow, "What's up?"

"Did you see the girl I was talking to earlier? She was with all of us... red, curly long hair?"

She relaxed her forehead. "Yeah... I saw her" she causally shrugged her shoulders, trying not to give it too much weight, "Why?"

"Well, she saw you earlier, and asked me and Raven if we can introduce you to her."

Realization sank, and then, "Oh.... Oh!" Clarke flinched. "Oh my god."

Bellamy chucked again, breathily this time, "I can do that, if you want to." his voice was very quiet, and and didn't know how to interpret that. Interpret those words.

She didn't even know if they were exclusive. Were they? Should they have been? Did she want them to be? But, more importantly, did _he_ want them to be?

"Does this mean we can see whoever we want?" Clarke asked.

A beat, then Bellamy spoke, "I don't know. Do you want us to?"

She frowned. Was it really up to her to decide it?

But before she could try to even think snoy anything, Bellamy said, "I personally wouldn't mind us being exclusive." He cleared his throat, like he'd just said a bad thing.

Clarke would've never said it out loud, but it was like a weight had gotten off her chest. She exhaled, smiling just a tiny bit, "I wouldn't mind it either."

Some tension got released off his shoulders right in that moment.   
"Okay, then. Exclusive it is."

She watched as his adam's apple bobbed up and then down slowly.

A little while later, they both laid down. Clarke placer her hands on her own stomach, and before she knew, they both were staring at the sky in silence.

It was nice, not having to talk with him for it to be comfortable. It had always been like this between them, they could talk about anything but they could also stay in silence for as long as they wanted to, and still spend good quality time together.

He let out his thoughts just some minutes later, keeping his eyes on the sky.   
"When we were together... you once told me how your dad used to talk to you about the stars, right? And that you sometimes went to the beach to look at the sky to calm you down... do you still do it?"

At first, she didn't know what to say.   
It was familiar, so familiar, and the fact that he remembered stuff she'd told him that she didn't tell anyone else ever before made her heart melt a little.

With a quiet tone, she answered, "Yes... I still do it" she said, looking at the sky and remembering her walking to the beach just a week ago.

"You're right. They are really calming."

Clarke lifted the corner of her lip. Bellamy moved his arm closer to hers, brushing it against her skin which caused her to feel a warm feeling all over her body.   
She felt vulnerable, all of a sudden, too vulnerable to stop what her mouth spat right after:  
"I think you deserve to know why I left out of nowhere."

At first, Bellamy froze. Then, she saw his jaw slowly clenching, so much she figured it would be almost painful. Only when he turned his head to her, her heartbeat started racing.

"Why would you tell me this?"

"Because you deserve it." she admitted.   
And she didn't lie. It was painful, and part of her trauma, and the reason why she didn't sleep at night _and_ the reason of most of her mental health problems but she could not hold it in anymore. A part of her, had made hiding all of that from everyone an habit, but another part of her, knew how painful it was to just keep it in and lie to everyone who loved her and just wanted to take care of her. Instead, she pushed them away, too scared of it. Scared of forming a bond that she could've never broken, not even if she wanted to. That happened with Bellamy.

"I thought you left because you couldn't do it anymore?" he waved between them, "Us. These were your words."

"Yes..." she wetted her lips, "but that was just a consequence."

Bellamy frowned, face hard like he didn't want to go through that again. She understood it.

But she went on, pretending to ignore it "I am... really scared of commitment, but I guess you already figured that out."

Bellamy gave her a slight, bitter nod.

"I bail." she said, rough. "Whenever people get too close to me... whenever I start to feel like it's way more than just... sex, whenever I feel like I could seriously care and love someone with every fiber of my being, I bail. I panic, and, trust me, I wish I didn't have to admit it, but I am selfish when it comes to this"

"You're not selfish, Clarke" he interrupted her.

"In some certain sense, I am." she shrugged, her voice growing of an octave. "Because I don't think about others' feelings when I do this. I kit think about mine and I think it's an unconscious way of protecting myself... of keeping— what happened to me to happen again."

She met his eyes, dark deep eyes staring into her soul. His voice went easy on her, "What happened, Clarke?"

She swallowed. "When my dad died...he was actually doing better. He was getting better, day by day... but then— one day I was playing chess with him, and two hours later I come back from the cafeteria and his heart is crashing" her started getting watery, she could feel it, but she didn't think that would be a problem. She hadn't cried for her father in months.

"They tried to bring him back but..." a light shrug, "they couldn't. He died at 5.04 PM. And... my mom, she was already wrecked by my dad's illness, she started heavily drinking, using pills... and I- I just wanted to help her" she looked at Bellamy as a tear fell down the corner of her left eye, running down her cheek. Her voice was trembling. "But she didn't want to. And my dad's death just made it all worse. Some weeks later... she started being rude. I didn't give it much attention at first, but— she just got worse day by day." Clarke parted her lips but no word came out of it, just chocked sob. She closed her eyes. "One day... we were in a fight and she accused me of being the reason why my dad died. I know, I know she was under the effect of drugs, I know she wasn't in herself, but god... she said I— wasn't able to love anyone, that my love for my father killed him. That I would never be able to love anyone again because... because I ruin people. You know, at that time, it hurt but it didn't fully set in. But with time... as much as those words hurt.... I think she was right."

Bellamy flinched. "She is not right, Clarke."

"Isn't she? I ruined Lexa when I couldn't be able to love her like she wanted to be loved, because I’m a coward. Finn cheated on me, so you can imagine. I ruined so many friendships...I ruined you. Us." she whispered the last part. The _us_ wasalmostnot hearable. "And I know this isn't an excuse for what I did. It never will be, I don't want to justify myself, believe me. But... Bellamy, I left because I didn't want you to settle for less than you deserved."

"You've never been less than I deserved, Clarke..."

"Yes, you are. I didn't, and still don't deserve you. You could have anyone else... and I couldn't just— I couldn't just stay with you and met myself ruin you."

Bellamy stared at her, and a familiar ache appeared in the middle of her chest.

"I've spent nights awake, just to understand what I did wrong."

"Oh, Bellamy..." She sniffed, and smiled sadly. It stayed on the edges.  
"You didn't do anything wrong. I didn't leave you because I was scared of the possibility of ruining you if I had, one day, started loving you." she finally admitted, lifting an hand and placing it on his cheek. "I left, because I realized that I already did."


	7. I’ll be there for you

Bellamy's breath itched before Clarke's words fully set in.

The whole world trembled around her and her heart clenched a little as she waited for him to say anything, even just show something, a glimpse of anything on his face, a sparkle in his eyes.

She saw him inhaling sharply, like he was either trying to get his breath back after a fast and gasping run, or like he was simply shocked.

"Clarke..." he started, but for some reason, she felt bad.

She felt bad for putting that weight on him, no matter how lighter her chest got after.

"...I'm- really sorry about all you went through." he let out.

Clarke took her hand off his cheek and saw his lips' corners arch in a soft, small smile.

"You don't deserve any of that pain, I hope you know that. I know it's not easy, but you shouldn't let those words your mother said define who you are, ok? Because that isn't who you are. Promise me... promise me that you won't let them influence you or the way you look at yourself."

She swept her eyes over his face, aware of the fact that she did exactly that. She's let those words into her head and let them shape her, unconsciously determine almost every mess that she'd caused in the last years. She'd let those words convince her she was a bad person who didn't deserve to be happy again, and those words indirectly led her to leave him that day.

"I don't know if I can do that..."

"I know," he whispered. This time, he placed his hand on her cheek, softly touching her skin and caressing her jaw with his fingertips. She melted under his reassuring touch. "but I also know you're strong. You've survived a lot, Clarke. You need to know you deserve to be happy."

It was like a thousands knives penetrated her chest.

"You too." she whispered with teary eyes.

Bellamy's eyes snapped to hers and his expression softened. He shook his head, "I know that."

"No, you don't." she said. She swallowed back the tears and placed her hand on his, "I know you, Bellamy. I see you. You never got over some of the shit in your past, and that's not fair. If I promise you that I'll try to do that, will you promise me you'll try, too, to understand you do deserve happiness."

He swallowed thickly. And for a moment Clarke thought about his possible response.

She thought about what hers would've been.

_You're my happiness._

"You're not the only one trying to forgive yourself."

Bellamy sighed and then, he finally let go off her face. Clarke wet her lips, and they both stayed there, laying down on the lawn under the starry sky for a few seconds. Both taken aback by the sudden intimacy they shared.

"About what you said..." Bellamy suddenly started, "I... I appreciate you telling me the whole truth. Thank you."

All she managed to do was nod.

Because she knew that was all she would've received as a feedback. And she couldn't blame him: she didn't expect him to forgive her or take her back like nothing happened. Hell, that wasn't the reason why she said that in the first place. So she stayed silent.

Until their friends joined again. And then the party was over.

* * *

“Dead serious, he said that. And then acted like I didn't hear it. He tried to kiss me and hold my hand, like nothing happened- Jesus Christ, what's wrong with men nowadays" Miller took a bitter sip out of his glass before swallowing it down with a frustrated expression on his face.

"I'm sorry... but, you know what? Bryan's not an idiot. He'll come around and apologize." Bellamy said, trying to comfort his friend with a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, no shit, I know that. Point is, he always does this." Miller sighed heavily, crossing his arms in front of his chest and parting his legs, "I'm starting to think if we are the problem."

"You?" Murphy exclaimed from the floor. He was just laying there with a bowl of popcorns on his stomach. Seriously, Bellamy was the only one who had actually listened to their friend's rant, but that sentence had seemed to catch Murphy's attention.

"Yeah. Us." Miller shrugged.

"You're not thinking of breaking up with him, are you?" Bellamy spat, enough confused to take his hand off Miller's shoulder.

He just gave them a light shrug.

"I won't accept that. You two are perfect for each other, Nate. Stop this bullshit." Murphy placed the bowl on the coffee table in front of the couch Bellamy and Miller were sitting on.

"I don't know, you guys. I just need to think."

"Good, maybe a night of sleep will make you understand breaking up with Bryan would be a huge mistake"

"Murphy..." Bellamy countered, giving him a death glare.

"What?" he parted his arms, faking looking almost hurt, "I'm right."

"You don't know. Only he knows it. It's his decision to make."

Bellamy patted his friend's shoulder and then took his hand away.

"So," he then started, changing the subject because he knew his friend enough to know when the rant was over, "Am I really the only one who saw that kiss at Luna's party?"

His eyes went on Murphy and he relaxed his forehead, changing his expression quickly.

Miller grinned and pointed his beer at Murphy. "I saw that too. Not sure if you wanted to talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about, actually." Murphy blurted out.

The man looked at each other before Bellamy gave Murphy another look, this time a softer one and not a teasing one.

"Was it good?"

He narrowed his eyes at them for a few seconds - but at the lack of further smirks from the two of them, Murphy simply sighed.

"It was amazing."

Bellamy felt like smiling. "Fucking finally."

"Shut up." Murphy blurted out again.

"I'm just saying..." he said, and held his hands in surrender for a second, "have you two finally stopped acting like idiots?"

"I don't think so" Murphy waved them, "human stupidity is infinite."

His friends both snorted and Miller threw a pillow at him. "Cut the crap."

"Fine." Murphy snorted, trying to get back in a serious mood. "Truth is, I don't know. I don't know what that was, but I'm definitely too scared to talk about it. What if she thinks it was a mistake?"

"She wouldn't have kissed you. Again. C'mon, Murphy, you're smarter than that."

"Okay, but, guys, it's not as easy as you think it is." He got up, running his hand through his hair and sighing. He walked to the armchair across the room and let himself fall on it. "We're going to be in roommates in two days. What if... what if I fuck it up? It would cause so many problems, I could never live with her."

Bellamy sighed. "You might have a point." he rationally admitted. "But you know what? If you two don't talk about whatever you two are, it's gonna get worse exactly because you two are going to become roommates. Are you really sure you're gonna be able to handle her— walking out of the shower with a towel around her? Her walking around the apartment with just a shirt on? Or— I don't know, her date coming to pick her up at 9 o'clock and you opening the door to find them, there, ready for the girl you're in love with?"

Miller shared a glance with Murphy, whose expression darkened. Bellamy's words seemed to hit him right where Bellamy had planned them to. Good. Murphy sighed.

"You may have a point." he let out, drinking his beer.

"I always do." Bellamy smirked.

"Fine, I'll talk to her" Murphy nodded, "I promise."

A slight grin grew on Bellamy's lips. "Of course you will.”

His friend rolled his eyes, while Miller simply sipped on his beer.

It was only after a few moments of silence that Bellamy felt his friends' eyes on him.

"What?" he spat, locking his phone again.

"Miller and I, we've honestly barely saw you at Luna's party."

He frowned. "What?"

"Yeah, I mean. I'm sure someone else saw you. A lot." Miller tilted his head to one side, "do you wanna talk about it?"

"I literally don't know what you think there is to talk about." he lied.

Miller and Murphy exchanged a look that didn't really let out a lot. "You two have been really close lately," Murphy started, "you and Clarke, I'm going to specify so that you can't play the dumb card." but Bellamy interrupted him, on the defensive, "we're just fucking, man"

"You two weren't fucking when I came home some weeks ago and I found you two watching a movie. With your clothes on. It's like netflix and chill but with just netflix."

Miller snorted but raised an eyebrow. "That happened?" The friend looked at Bellamy, "Blake, what the fuck?"

"She wasn't in the mood, that's just it. She had shit going on, I'm not a fucking asshole." Bellamy spat out.

"This is the whole point." Murphy began, rising to his feet, "You're not. You're the opposite, Bellamy. You're good, maybe even too good, but you know damn well all this good will come back and bite you in the ass some time soon."

"Like it hasn't already." Bellamy quietly muttered, avoiding his friend's gaze.

"Exactly." Murphy blurted out. He kneeled down and leaned over, looked Bellamy in his face even if he was stubborn enough to avoid any kind of eye contact. "Bellamy this is what you do, you hope people you love changed even when they hurt you, you can't help but see the good in people when they're just—"

"Clarke is good." it came out louder and angrier than he'd considered. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't I?"

He swept his eyes over his face, and then, finally, locked eyes with Murphy. His friend wasn't attacking him, nor did he look like he wanted to argue. Bellamy knew he genuinely cared. He simply could not stand any kind of bad word thrown at Clarke from someone who didn't know her like he did, or anyone who didn't know what they had been, like he did.

"No." Bellamy swallowed. "I know she hurt me, Murphy. And I know all of this is probably never going to become anything more, after what happened. What do you think? That I'm stupid? That I'm hoping in some kind of-" he gestured around, "Epic and romantic love story's ending? That I'm not going to be disappointed? No! I fucking know she doesn't want me in the same way I want her anymore, Murphy, I know that! Do you think it's easy for me? No, but do you really believe that not having her in my life is better?" Bellamy blurted out all together, rivers of emotional words as his tone got heavier and his voice started trembling, "It's torture! Not having her in my life..." looking for the right words, Bellamy traced his bottom lip with his tongue, “yeah, I prefer this over not having not even a tiny bit of the only thing that actually makes me feel like I can finally _breathe_ again."

Silence filled the room, and Bellamy didn't mind it. He didn't want an answer, nor did he expect one. Hell, he preferred not to think about it.

”Besides...” he suddenly went on, and looked at Murphy, “you know I hurt her, too.”

Murphy sighed. “Yeah, I know that.”

”See? I’m not— a saint, Murphy. We all know that I hurt her in the past, probably just as much as she hurt me. I know all about what she felt when I was a jerk enough to not care about anything around me other than my mom. She didn’t deserve that, and maybe I didn’t deserve her leaving me. But I don’t think anyone can blame her without blaming me, too. I hate myself for ever hurting her. I know she does the same.”

Bellamy saw Murphy nodding, but this time, he looked seriously convinced. He knew Murphy had always told him the truth, always told him when he fucked up badly. So he knew, Murphy understood they both fucked up. They both owned each other an apology for everything. 

But he didn’t feel it in himself to keep the conversation up. So, he simply took his jacket and headed out - where, he didn't know - but one thing was sure: he needed to breathe.

* * *

Clarke made her way to the hallway in just her long shirt and her slippers on her feet, trying to massage her eyes with her hands to get them to focus on anything that wasn't blur.

She wasn't exactly sleeping when his text message arrived, but she was very much on the verge of it. She didn't want to tell him no, especially not after the awkward way things had ended between them at Luna's party.

Clarke opened the door and found his pretty freckled face right in front of her (more like above her, actually) and she couldn't help but smile.

"Hey" he whispered, breathless. "I'm sorry for waking you."

"You didn't" Clarke said, slowly smiling at him.

She stepped to the side and he stepped inside, scrutinizing the surroundings before finally declaring, "Everyone's asleep, I knew it. That's why I didn't want to ring the bell."

"Bellamy, it's alright" she softly smiled and quietly closed the door. "Are you alright?"

Bellamy sighed heavily and shakily, and Clarke frowned. She folded her arms in front of her breasts and swept her eyes all over his face, trying to get anything out of his scowling expression.

"Can I kiss you?" he blurted out. It was pretty random and it came out of his mouth in a breath, so quiet and muttered that Clarke herself wondered how she even heard it.

Bellamy seemed like tensing up after that, but that wasn't much of a surprise.

"Yes" she quietly said at least, getting closer to him.

Something was evidently up. But she knew he didn't feel like talking. If there was something she'd learnt during the time she'd been with him - apart from how fucking easy it was to fall in love with him - was that Bellamy needed more than just a talk to get things off his chest. And it wasn't like she didn't want to kiss him, anyway.

So, she did.

It got messier with seconds and before they knew, half of their clothes were on the floor and Bellamy was carrying Clarke back to her room. The windows were shut and he closed the door as well to avoid unpleasant surprises by her roommates, so it was warm in there. It was messy and not rough at all, softer than she'd expected and wanted it to be.

And it was nice doing it with him again. It had been a while since they'd last had sex and she would've lied if she'd said she wasn't literally craving his hands on her body. After that, both breathless, she was laying on top of him, straddling his body, head in the crook of his neck. She had started placing some soft kisses on his skin and forgot when she'd even stopped doing it and just laid there on him when a heavy breath escaped Bellamy's lips. That made Clarke open her eyes. She slid an hand on his neck, caressed his jawline with her fingertips slowly.

"That was beautiful." he whispered.

A small smile made Clarke's lips arch, her cheeks blushing - and not just because of her recent orgasm.

"It was." she mumbled against his neck. "I missed this."

He blinked a few times, letting some air get in his lungs. "Me too" he mumbled. "I missed you and me. Us, just like this."

Clarke fought herself to not lift herself and look at him, but she couldn't win. She needed to look him in the eyes and tell him how she felt.

"Bellamy... about what I said at the party..." she lifted herself and looked down at him. His eyes were fixed on hers, staring at her like time hadn't passed, like she hadn't hurt him.

His voice went soft on her despite the sudden change of expression, "Clarke—"

"About that," she continued, ignoring the way his voice almost broke when he said her name, "I want- no, I _need_ you to know that I've never lied to you. I've hurt you, left you, done bad things, but not once I have lied to you. When I said I left because I didn't deserve you, I was honest. I was honest when I told you that I left because I started loving you, too."

Bellamy's expression started to soften, as his forehead relaxed from the typical wrinkle between his brows. He parted his lips, and Clarke saw how yes, he was finally seeing it. She had loved him too, and she _still_ did. 

"Clark-" her phone rang.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck.

"Ignore it" she whispered, swallowing down at the way her voice sounded like she was begging it, "say what you were going to say."

But her phone kept ringing, and by the way Bellamy's expression had changed, like his walls were up again, she knew it was over. She missed the chance. She sighed heavily and shook her head.

She didn't expect to read Well's name on the screen.

"Who's that?" he asked disinterested, stretching out after she'd been on top of him for so long.

"A friend." she frowned. "Sorry... It's weird he's calling at this time. Hey," she went on, taking the call, "Are you alright?"

Bellamy swept his eyes over her briefly. She saw him doing it, and she tried to shrug the way she loved his eyes on her.

When the call was over, he didn't try and pressure her to know what it was about. But since the silence was now awkward — she decided to talk.

"He lives in England" she slowly nodded, "He's coming here in the states for a while, he just arrived."

Bellamy nodded. "Did you meet him in Boston?"

"Yeah" Clarke slightly smiled.

"That's great."

Clarke cleared her throat. "Do you, um... are you coming to the picnic we're having on Saturday?"

"Yeah" Bellamy replied, sliding his arms behind his head, "You?"

"I am. Wells is, too" Clarke frowned, "Uh, it's him. Wells is his name."

"Oh" Bellamy forced a smile. "Good."

She said nothing else, but she knew exactly what that Oh meant.

She saw him turning to her to say something more, and for a moment, she believed he would. But then he changed his mind and stayed silent.

And she didn't force him to talk either.

They fell asleep not long later, and the morning later, he was already gone when she woke up.

* * *

Saturday came by in a blink of an eye and, before she could have time to mentally prepare to that, Clarke found herself at the picnic.

It was earlier than midday, the sun was shining high in the sky and, oddly, the temperature had gotten past the point that would keep most of the guys' shirt on. Clarke had already helped Raven and Harper set the second towel on the green freshly cut lawn, so she figured she could use a break and sat down on it, an orange juice in her hands that she'd hope would keep her mind off everything she was trying to avoid.

She could hear Wells' laughter not far from her, and as she turned her head toward him she spotted him animatedly chatting with Murphy. Despite everything, that made her smile. She was not only glad but mostly happy that they all seemed to like Wells right from the beginning, and she was thankful of the fact that he was already comfortably making conversation with some her friends not even two hours after meeting them.

"What's going on in your messy head, Griffin?"

Clarke scoffed and wrapped her lips around the straw in her glass, turning her attention to her friend who had just taken a seat next to her.

"Nothing different from the usual. What about yours, Rae? Do you think now is a good time to talk about it?"

Raven arched her eyebrows, but her expression quickly changed when she, just seconds later, realized what her friend was referring to. "Do we really need to?"

"Hell to the yeah," Clarke countered, "Do I need to extort all the information from you or are you going to make it easier for the both of us and just tell me everything?"

Raven chuckled. "Alright, ok. I get it. You wanna know... but, seriously... I don't even know what to tell you. I would get past my usual not talkative mood and go into tiny details for you if there was something big to talk about but, truth is...Even I am confused about everything right now."

"Look, I get it. And it's very much alright. I mean, you don't need to have everything figured out already. But you two kissed. Again. And this time in public. And it wasn't an innocent peck or an embarrassing quick kiss, it was a full on make out session while laying down on the grass facing the stars. That must mean something, and I bet you know that yourself."

"I know, I know," Raven groaned, "And it didn't even end there."

Clarke raises her brow, curious.

"We spent the rest of the night there, watching the stars. And when we drove home, I just went to his place. We didn't... we did not have sex. We just spent most of the night watching a crappy movie, eating leftover pizza and chatting. And that was... well that was just quality time with my best friend, when an hour earlier we had our tongues in each other's mouths."

Clarke giggled. "Okay, first of all, gross."

Raven gave her a smirky smile, then Clarke went on.

"And second of all...I must tell you, that was definitely not just some quality time with your best friend. I'm sorry to break it to you, but that was the most married-couple shit I've ever heard of."

"Shut up" she barked out, with the echo of a laughter.

"I'm serious! Look, this is what couples do. You two might not be one because you're both scared to start this thing, but you have all the prerequisites to be one! You're both into each other and that's evident, you're best friends, which means you two don't even have to date and get to know each other because you already do, and you're going to live together! It could have been an innocent platonic decision at first, but you can't deny it isn't anymore now."

Raven sighed. "I guess you're right."

"Where's the news?"

Raven laughed and hit her friend's arm.

"Fine. We'll talk about it. You owe me a beer for that"

"I'm sorry, I owe you a beer for giving you a precious friend advice?"

"You heard right." Raven nodded, drinking out of her own glass.

"You know what," Clarke smirked, "I am going to offer more than a beer. I'm taking you out on a date if you two finally make the move."

The friend grinned. "Careful, Griffin, I may not be dating Murphy yet but you can't hit on me that openly."

Clarke laughed and Raven echoed her. They smiled at each other, genuinely, and willingly accepted Jasper's invitation to help him and the others set the table for the lunch.

The clock hit on 2pm and she hadn't really exchanged any word with Bellamy yet. It was mostly a fee awkward smiles here and there and some shared jokes while talking in the group, all too far from the once shared intimacy.

Clarke had just started taking a few dirty and empty plates off the table to throw them into the trash when she accidentally spilled an half full glass of wine on the table, causing the wine to fall on her dress before she could take a step back.

"Ah, fuck it!" She sighed, knowing full well how hard it was to take wine off clothes.

"Shit," Wells came over, frowning, "You need to go take this again off with water as soon as possible as long as it's still fresh. It won't come out easily after that."

"I know, I know." Clarke put the trash away and grabbed a few tissues, "I'm heading to the park's restrooms."

"Need a hand?”

She waved him off. "I got this. Besides, I'm not so sure you'd be gladly accepted into the ladies' room."

"Touché!" her friend replied while she was already heading for the restroom.

A very sweaty ten minutes later and an embarrassing amount of tissues, soap and water later, she managed to remove most of the big stain, which now was reduced to a tiny faded red spot.

"Thank god." she muttered to herself.

On the way to the door, someone came out of a cabin. Someone she really wasn't willing to be alone with in a restroom.

When she was Octavia, she realized she'd been too busy focusing on her dress to even see her walking in. As for Octavia, Clarke didn't know if she had been distracted too, or her need for the restroom was more urgent than her new hatred for her once best friend was big.

"Hey." Clarke could've sworn, that was awkward. Man, so awkward.

Especially when she received nothing but an awkward silence from the Blake.

Clarke took the hint and nodded, heading back to the door, needing to leave the room as soon as possible.

"I know you're fucking my brother again."

Clarke stopped abruptly. It took her a few seconds for it to fully set in. "Pardon?"

She only heard Octavia scoffing. "Jeez, I have to say, I expected something a little bit more than that as an answer, Clarke." 

"How?"

Octavia took a few tissues and dried her hands, but her eyes stayed fixed on the mirror.

"Who told you, Octavia?" Clarke insisted, turning to her. "Did _he_ tell you?"

"He didn't need to." The blake threw the tissue away and decided to keep eye contact with Clarke through the dirty mirror. "I haven't seen him looking this peaceful, despite his evident frustration this situation brings him, in months. I only once saw him like this, and it was throughout your relationship. Besides, I know the Griffin effect on him. No one and nothing has that effect on him, apart from you."

Clarke swallowed, forcing herself to look unbothered. "I think your big brother's sex life shouldn't be your business after all."

"And that's where you're wrong, Clarke. I thought that, too, once. But after you broke hisheart, I promised to myself I never would've let anyone do this to him again. In some way, I feared yet knew you would've tried again.”

"I am not trying to break his heart, Octavia!"

"Save it. Save your little lies, please."

"I'm serious!" Clarke shouted. "Look, I know we have controversy. I know how... bad I hurt you and your brother, I know all about what happened after I left and, trust me, there's not a day I don't feel terrible about how I screwed things up with two of the most important people in my life. I am doing the best I can to make things right now."

"Is screwing him part of the plan, of?"

She couldn't stop her eyes from rolling in the back of her head. "It's not easy. Our relationship... it's not— it's not easy to handle."

"You haven't changed, not even a little."

"I am doing the best I can, Octavia. To gain his and your trust back, the sex part just— that got in the way. I don't want to hurt him again, ever. It just kind of happened, but I swear... we'll manage this. We'll talk about this. You need to give us time."

Octavia pulled a face. "Give time for what? For you to realize you want him again just to cut him out of your life again when a new distraction comes by again? Save it!"

Trying to stay calm, Clarke took a big breath. "We're both trying to figuring things out right now. We're both not at our best, either."

Octavia scoffed, grabbing her purse. "He hasn't been his best since you left him, FYI." And before Clarke could think about how to answer to that, she stormed out of the restroom.

That left her with an even lower mood than the once she had when she stepped into the restroom.

Safe to say, she would avoid any other interaction with Bellamy until it would be a reasonable moment to leave.

And, as much as it sucked, that was exactly what she did.

* * *

That one conversation with Bellamy's sister lead to a long week of avoidance from Clarke's part. She felt lonely. Not alone — never alone, because she had many people around her who cared about her — but lonely. Because she was aware of the pain she'd brought into many people's lives and if that had kept her awake at nights in the past more often than she liked to admit, now that thought was consuming her alive during the days, too.

It's not like Octavia was wrong. She was not wrong at all. She _had_ hurt Bellamy, maybe irreparably, and in the process, she obviously hurt Octavia, too. She both cared about them so much — still did — and she wasn't capable of coming up with a reasonable explanation of why they could have forgiven her. She didn't deserve their forgiveness. In fact, she didn't deserve anything from them. Octavia was right: getting back in the dangerous loop of sex with Bellamy could've lead to many roads, all equally dangerous and painful for the both of them. And while Clarke, at that point in her life, did not really care about getting hurt (what was another time on top of all the other ones?) she certainly did not want to hurt Bellamy again. She knew how dependent on her he was when it came to sex and as much dependent she was on him, too, she had to be the one to have the gut to interrupt this thing once and for all. For the sake of him. Before it could be too late again. To give him time to heal, to forget her and, maybe, one day, fully forgive her.

She wanted the best for him.

It was a cold Friday night and she had already turned on her bedsheets at least twenty times in the last two minutes. She gave up trying to sleep not long after that, and decided to go for a drive instead. She knew exactly what could've helped her, so she just went for it.

Driving through a dark road, Clarke could feel the scrunch of the cobblestones at the sides of the road under the pressure of her car's wheels.

She stopped in the nearest path possible, and got off the car.

The first thing that hit her was the sea's saltness' smell. It hit her nostrils one millisecond before sound of the waves came around. It made her smile. In some way, she always felt closer to her father if sea was close to her.

Clarke let the sand hug her bare feet and walked not far from the path her car was parked in, and finally let herself fall on a spot near the shore. Far enough for her to not get wet, but close enough to feel the waves the closest to her.

The fresh breeze moved her hair as she closed her eyes to fully take the experience in. She knew the waves, mixed with the breeze and the sensation of peace she always reached here, would never fail to cradle her to sleep. How she would've driven back home? That was a later problem.

Not long after she decided to lay down on the sand, using her hoodie to not let the sand get in between her blonde hair, she could've sworn she overheard footsteps.

"I'd say that's a surprise, but it wouldn't even be true."

She startled. She turned her face to her long time friend and let out a breathy laughter.

"Murphy? What the hell are you doing here?"

He sat down next to her. "I could ask you the same question."

Clarke simply shrugged. "I couldn't sleep."

At Murphy's silence, Clarke looked at him again, this time not surprised or scared, but warmly. To let him know she was there for him, too.

"Is this about Raven?"

Murphy didn't answer, but by the way his face tensed up, or at least the side of his face she was able to see, she knew she had to be right.

"Are you guys alright?"

Murphy shrugged. "I don't know, are we? She barely spoke to me since the picnic."

Clarke frowned. "What? Why's that?"

"You think I'd be here in the middle of the night instead of peacefully sleeping if I knew that, Griffin?"

He had a point. Clarke sighed.

"Well... can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you love Raven?"

Murphy's left brow rocketed up. He turned to face her, but he didn't say anything to answer to her.

She tilted her head to the side, waiting for a response that never came. She didn't quite know if it was because he didn't know it himself, or because he didn't know if he could admit it freely just yet. Maybe both, she feared.

"Okay, let's try again. What is this thing with her? You guys are best friends. But you had sex once. As much as I know, that didn't happen again, but then you two kissed. You two act like a couple. And you're going to live together. Damn it, Murphy. Don't you see how stupid this makes you both?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, you're stupid, both of you! You two have something amazing. And you're wasting it, for what? Because you're scared? Well, guess what, you need to overcome that fear because life is scary, most of the times. I understand how debilitating it must be feel to be afraid of losing your favorite person in the world but there comes a point where you cannot deny your feelings anymore. You don't have to admit to me you love her, I know you do. Not like a friend... you're in love with her. And hell, she's in love with you Murphy. She may not have realized it yet, but she is. And once you two will live together, it'll be impossible to deny it any longer, so either it'll bring you two to finally admit you need to get together, or it'll completely destroy your relationship and not only you'll lose your best friend, but you'll have to move out before even spending your second night in your new fucking apartment."

"Woah." Murphy grinned, frowning to himself. He tilted his chin at her and Clarke sighed heavily. "That was some encouraging discourse."

Clarke did not answer. They both knew there was more than just wanting to help two friends out in those words.

"You may be right." he mumbled.

"No, I am right."

"Okay," Murphy slowly nodded his head yes, "But here's the thing: you're an hypocrite. You just told me I can't let the fear win but that's exactly what you did. You left Bellamy because of that, and—"

"I know I did, Murphy! And I regret that, every single day! I hate myself, more than you could ever possibly think, for doing that, because that lead me to lose the person I loved."

She was stunned as much as he looked after saying that. That was the very first time she'd admitted it out loud. That she loved him. God, of course she loved him, she was in love with him. She had been for his knows how long. She still was and, frankly, she couldn't bring herself to think about a future where she would somehow not be in love with Bellamy Blake. Ever.

Silence fell around them after that not so much expected confession. Murphy understood, giving her a slight nod of his head, and they both sat there in silence for a little while longer before he broke it.

"I'll try not to scree things up, but I can't promise you anything, okay?"

For Clarke, that wasn't enough.

"No. I want you to promise me you'll do anything not to screw things up. This is your change of happiness."

"Alright. I'll. But under one condition."

Clarke sighed. "Let's hear."

He turned to face her once again, arms wrapped around his knees and eyes fixed on her.

"You take your head out of your ass and tell Bellamy how you feel."

Clarke furrowed her brows in confusion. What was that supposed to mean? There were a hundred questions she could've asked him in response but she chose to go for the simplest one.

"What are you trying to say?"

"C'mon, Clarke, I literally just asked you to take your head out of your ass."

"How do I feel?"

"You wanna tell me you're not in love with him?"

She knew she couldn't say no to that. What would have a lie changed?

"And?"

"And?" Murphy scoffed, shook his head and sniffed like he was getting annoyed. "And, Clarke, sleeping with your ex is already a bad idea itself. But sleeping with your ex whom you're still in love with.. I thought you were smarter than this. Like you said, there are two ways my relationship with Raven can go if I decide to be an ass and not take this step, and you might be right. But you know what else is true? Sleeping with him while you're in love with him, can bring you to only one conclusion. You'll get him hurt, again." he said that last word through gritted teeth, "And we both don't want that to happen again. So, please, Clarke... either tell him how you feel if you're really ready to give him what you weren't ready to give him an year ago, or please, for the love of god, stop sleeping with him."

"Don't worry." she said, before he could speak again. "I may be a monster, but I'm not that bad. I said I'd never hurt him again, especially on purpose, and I mean it, Murphy."

"Good." he nodded. "Because I can't be mad at you... I'm gonna need you when Raven rejects me and I have no one to talk to."

Clarke slowly arched her lips in a soft smile. "You know damn well she won't reject you."

Even if Murphy didn't return the smile with his lips, he did with his eyes. For Clarke, that was enough.

"You know, Clarke... I think I need to thank you."

Confusion invaded her brain. She was so not prepared for that. 

"What?"

"You heard me. Not just me, everyone... every single one of us needs to thank you. I know no one's probably ever said this to you, especially not me," he smirked, "but no matter your mistakes in the past... you've always cared about us, all of us, more than you'd like to admit maybe. You've always been a great friend to every single one of us, you've always loved us no matter what... even after you left, you never abandoned us and tried to contact us somehow. I don't think any of us all has ever truly thought about how much you've sacrificed for us in the past."

She didn't quiet know what to say. Especially because she didn't think he was right. She didn't think she deserved that, that she deserved any of those thank you's. And surely, she never would've expected to hear something like this come out from Murphy's mouth. But she loved him for that.

"I really don't think you should thank me for anything..."

"Shut up and take it. I know how hard it is to think you deserve good things, Clarke, trust me. And I also know how hard it is to forgive oneself... you're not a bad person, and it's really time you start doing, or at least trying, to do both."

She wetted her lips and bit her lip, trying to think about what to tell him in return. It's not like she thought she needed to answer to him — she knew he didn't expect an answer — but she wanted to. Hell, maybe she needed to. She needed to hear how much she'd hated herself for so long it was now so hard believing she would ever deserve to be thanked for anything in her life. And Clarke knew she had it hard in life, very hard, but it didn't change anything. No matter how great she was to her friends, how dedicated and selfless she'd always been... she'd still hurt Bellamy and, for her, that was more than unforgivable. But then, Murphy spoke again.

"And as in for Bellamy..." there it was, Clarke thought. But she didn't expect his next words.

"...who am I kidding, you both made big mistakes in your relationship. You left him, even if you had your reasons, and that will always be on you. It is on you. It is your fault. B But he has his faults too, Clarke. Before that happened, he made his mistakes. Don't think I don't remember the way he treated you after Aurora went mad and died."

Clarke closed her eyes at Bellamy's mother mention. She swallows past the lump in her throat to throw away the dark moments of that period. She didn't want to relive that at all.

"Yes, exactly... he wasn't a bad person, but he still didn't have the right to treat you like that."

"He was hurt, Murphy. He didn't do anything extreme apart from being absent from my life for a while. But he was hurt... his mother died, damn it. He had his reasons."

"So did you." he frowned, turning to look at her this time, "So did you, Clarke. I'm not saying he didn't have valid reasons. It may also not have been his fault, but that was a mistake from his side that started the messes that lead to your breakup and you leaving him. I'm just saying..." he sighed. "I'm just saying that you both made mistakes because you both guys are humans. And I think that you both need to forgive each other for them... because if there's something that's worth forgiving big mistakes like yours for, that one's love."

Totally surprised and honestly a little bit stunned but all that, too, Clarke struggled to find the right words to that.

Her surprise didn't even come to Murphy actually being the wise one — she had to admit everyone underestimated him to the point many didn't pay attention to how deep he could actually be — rather than him being the one to say all that. He, who had scolded and yelled at her not many days earlier because he found her with Bellamy in his apartment.

"Can I ask why your view changed?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Clarke shrugged. "A few days ago you were so mad at me for sleeping with Bellamy again. And now you're telling me we both made mistakes and you're trying to be reasonable about all of this, saying we both made mistakes and should be mature and blah, blah, blah. How— where did this even come from?"

Murphy grinned at her and shook his head, turning his gaze back to the sea. She kept looking at him as he picked a random stone and threw it in the sea.

"You know, Clarke. One of the reasons why I'm crazy about Raven is because she's capable of making me see things — life — from a totally different point of view." he shrugged. "I guess it's been a while that I... well, I'm learning to actually think things through. And it's past 2AM, we both know night was made to say things you wouldn't say during the day." he smirked.

She laughed warmly and friendly hit his shoulder with hers.

"Arctic monkeys. Nice."

* * *

Ignoring Bellamy had always been the result of multiple reasons. Sometimes she'd do it because she couldn't face something, she had to give that to him, but mostly, she'd do it because of his own good (or so she thought). After the talk with Octavia she had decided she was right. She'd hurt him in an irreparable way, and she knew Octavia was right about almost everything she'd said to her. Almost, because her words had implied Clarke had done everything she did on purpose. But she never once meant to hurt any of them. As for the other stuff, though, she couldn't say anything against it. And so she thought that he only thing to do, was distancing herself from him, allowing him to be finally free from someone who apparently only brought him pain.

That Tuesday they all decided to have a brunch together, and as Clarke, later than usual, arrived, she noticed she was the last one to miss.

"Griffin, finally!" Jasper shouted from a seat next to Octavia, "Can we order?"

"Sure, yes! Sorry guys, my car was bailing on me."

"Why didn't you call?" said Raven from two seats on her left, the one they left empty just for her. The friend looked honestly surprised she hasn't called her when she knew she was a master at fixing cars.

"You were already gone, it's okay." Clarke waved her off.

They started eating not so long after mad Clarke had managed to go about fifteen minutes without let her mind wander uncontrollably or her eyes wander to her right, or, more precisely, four seats on her right where Bellamy was sitting and busy in some conversation with Murphy.

Speaking about him, in the days following hers and Murphy night by the beach, they hadn't really talked a lot. Although, she had had time to think about it all.

And every damn time, no matter what, couldn't stop thinking about his words. It somehow comforted her to think that Murphy thought she was a good person, yes, but at the same time it bothered her that she couldn't bring herself to do the same. It confused her, too, to think that he had gone from practically almost wanting her dead, to understanding her intentions and being reasonable about her and Bellamy's relationship.

And it's not like he was wrong.

They both had made such messes during their lives... they often hurt each other, that's for sure. She did remember how hurt she felt when he hadn't let her take care of him during his grieving process when his mom died.On another aspect, the thought of Murphy telling her to tell him about everything she felt didn't leave her alone. And it hadn't, anyway, every night since then.It was eating her inside how Bellamy's best friend wanted her to be true and honest with him for once, while Bellamy's sister wanted her to stay away from him and stop hurting him. She couldn't stop thinking about it, really.So, for a change, she decided to not listen to either of them, and to do neither. She decided to do it her own way.

"Hey..." she slowly leaned over behind Bellamy's seat when he wasn't busy eating or in a conversation, just drinking from his cup. "Can we talk?" she mumbled.

Bellamy didn't really react, he simply put her cup down and pushes his chair behind.

She knew she probably had Octavia's death glare fixed on her and Murphy's curious eyes on her as well all the way to the door while she walked there with Bellamy, but she forced herself to not care about it, at least for now.

Bellamy lit a cigarette as soon as they got out, and with a grin rather sad than cocky, as it usually was, he started the conversation himself. "What, you decided you'll finally stop ignoring me or?"

"Something like that, I guess." she replied.

"So nice of you." he spit while taking the first puff of his cigarette.

"I want to be honest with you about why I've been ignoring you pretty much since the picnic."

Bellamy raised one of his brow. "I thought it was because of us having sex that last time before it. Things for awkward for you when Wells called, that I could say."

Clarke frowned in confusion, shaking her head. "That's not— no... no, that's— well, that's not exactly it. Maybe. But there's more."

Bellamy kept his brow raises as he crosses his arms in front of his chest, a sign he was listening to her.

"Your sister... she talked to me. She told me she wants me to stay away from you because... well because she doesn't want you to get hurt again. And frankly I thought she wasn't that wrong after all. So I did." she shrugged, "for a while, at least...but I learnt that keeping things from you and just straight up ignoring you as always doesn't bring us anywhere, so I just decided to be honest with you about it. At least you know it's nothing you did."

She sees from the way he shifts on his feet that he's pissed. It's Bellamy, she knows him better than she knows herself, she doesn't need to guess. He is pissed. 

"My sister doesn't take decisions for me, Clarke. She wants to protect me, just like I do, and I respect that, but I really don't need her to do that. So do me a favor... don't listen to what she says, okay? She doesn't want us to sleep together so of course she'd tell you something like that."

"Okay, but she does have a point."

"Which is?"

"Well," Clarke begins, "she doesn't want you to get hurt again. And I don't want that either."

Bellamy bursts into a breathy laughter. "Why do you guys thing you have a say in that? I decide for myself, Clarke. Not you, not O. I'm old enough to do that."

Clarke sighed. He was right.

"Okay." she simply agreed. "There's something else..."

"Sure, what's that?" he asked after a sigh.

This was it. Murphy was right and she had to not only admit he was, but honor his words and do what was right. It should've been easy, shouldn't it have been? She had wanted to say it since she left him. It was there, in the tip of her tongue and yet Clarke couldn't bring herself to manage to say those words to the person in front of him, to the man she loved with all herself.

"Before you say anything..." Bellamy interrupted, and she didn't know if she had to be grateful or annoyed by that. For the record, she was both. "Since you've been honest with me about all of this instead of simply hiding it and ignoring me... I think I want to tell you the reason why I was so upset the night you came back. You asked me the reason some weeks ago, when we were all spending the weekend away, remember? But I couldn't tell you. I mean... I didn't want to. But I think I'm ready."

That confused her, that and the sudden change of topic their conversation had had, but at the same she was interested and curious. She really wanted to know what had made him so upset that night.

"Are you sure you want to, though? You don't have to it you don't—"

"I want to, Clarke. I need to talk about this and... you're the one I want to talk about it to and with. Like old times."

The implications of his words made her swallow. A familiar ache in her chest started to grow again as she simply nodded.

"Okay," she then mumbled. "Tell me."

Bellamy sighed and looked at his cigarette for a few seconds, but it didn't look like he was struggling to find the right words. Like he wanted to say that for a long time.

“Before my mom died I didn’t get the chance to ask her to leave me her house. That... that house is just— it’s the one I grew up in, you know? And I really wanted it. But she had a lot of siblings and so after she died I went to the lawyer to see what I could do about it.” he nodded. Clarke could feel the bitterness tone in his voice, nostalgic at the same, like he was talking about something he lost. She initially thought that could be his mom. But it came to her not so long later... it was her, he lost.“Just a few hours before your welcome back party, the lawyer called.” he shrugged and looks away, taking another puff of the cigarette like he could take it on it instead. Blowing out the smoke, he looked at her again, but his eyes were far. “I didn’t get it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry for the big wait, but i haven’t had a lot of inspiration lately, especially after the latest episodes (yeah, we don’t talk about that.) i’m still writing this fic though, because i’m determined to finish it. because the chapters are longer than i originally meant to, maybe i could reduce the number of chaps. from 12 to 11, or maybe use chap. 12 for an epilogue. i’ll keep you updated in the next update. thank you always x


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